Hold My Heart

*I wrote this entry back in October after the kids and I moved back to WA from MT. My husband and I were facing an undetermined separation due to finances. He ended up coming home after 5 weeks, the hardest 5 weeks of my married life. I was 8 months pregnant and we were facing forclosure and nothing seemed to be working in our lives.

Well, here we are several months later and still nothing seems to be working for us. Sky is gone again, driving trucks in MT, we're trying to do a short sale on our home to keep from being forclosed on, and we don't know where we'll be next month or if we'll even be together. So the sentiments expressed in this post are still the cries of my heart. I still wonder sometimes if God is listening and if He even cares.....

Oct. 22, 2009

It's been a week since Sky had to go back to Bozeman without us. Thankfully, he's working, but we're still in a whole load of financial trouble and facing a winter apart. I just don't understand. It seems like no matter how hard we try, nothing works out. And it's not even our fault! We get cheated out of work and wages, the weather puts a halt on the job, vehicles break down, belongings go up in smoke, rent goes up, and promises are made that aren't followed through with. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Families were never meant to be separated. Daddies aren't supposed to have to choose between feeding their families and being with their families. We've done everything we thought we were supposed to do for this summer...laid all our plans at God's feet, and still we may lose our house and we're living apart. When is life supposed to work? When does the whole "all things work for good" promise actually come into play? For years now we've done what we thought God wanted us to do, followed Him with everything we have, and for what? To get patted on the back and told "well done"? Yeah, that'll put food on the table. I know that God still works miracles. Is it too much to ask that He could work one for us?

I've seen Him heal broken hearts, restore broken marriages, redeem lost lives, and come through in every way for the hearts of His children. I've seen spiritual heart-miracles that still make me stand in awe. I know, without a doubt, that God heals the broken and sets the captives free. But we are more than spirits...we have to eat and clothe ourselves and pay the mortgage. Why do these things seem not to matter to Him? Are we doing something wrong? Is there some magic formula that we're supposed to follow before God will provide our physical needs? I don't believe that they aren't important to Him. Because I know without a doubt that we are important to Him. Jesus was very clear on that. But I still don't understand. I'm tired of being told "Just trust God and everything will work out" as if you can put some sort of Band-Aid on a hurting, questioning heart. I DO trust God, always have, and things are not "working out". So what does that mean? I'm tired of being told "you should be grateful for the blessings you have" as if being grateful is the magic spell towards getting more blessings. I AM grateful...I thank God everyday for a husband who works his heart out for his family, for healthy children, for daily blessings. Does questioning why life isn't working make me somehow ungrateful for those blessings? Or does it just make me more honest than most?

And yet....

My heart still hopes. I still have faith. I'm still holding on to a fraying thread, stubbornly insisting that God is still in control and cares about my life. I don't understand why when the circumstances I see around me don't fit. But I refuse to let go of the belief that God will come through for us, that all things will work together for good, even if I can't see it now and won't like it later. What is it in me that hopes contrary to hope? What is it in God's saints throughout time that were beaten and bruised that still wouldn't let them let go of hope? Or perhaps it isn't we that are holding on so tightly. Perhaps it is God that is holding onto us. I have no other explanation. I know He's holding my heart...He must be holding the rest of me as well.

How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will you turn to me?

One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
Cuz I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will you run to me?

One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't sleep but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.
Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart.

~Hold My Heart, by Tenth Ave. North