Grab 'Em By The Pussy

*Originally posted as a Facebook post.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I don't know how to start this post. So I'm skipping the intro.

Donald Trump is an abuser. Textbook abuser. He just bragged about sexually assaulting women. He's going to court on child rape charges. He has repeatedly said horrifyingly disgusting things about women. He grabbed his own daughter's ass at the convention and has made lewd comments about her body and how he'd sleep with her if she wasn't his daughter. He raped his 1st wife. He said Paris Hilton was “sexy” when she was 12. He reportedly shoved a married women into a closet, kissed and groped her. "Grab 'em by the pussy", he laughs. "Don't wait, just kiss them". "When you're famous, you can do anything you want." And people are defending him. Saying they’ll still vote for him. Saying it’s not that bad. Bending over backwards to justify his depravity.

And I am broken. Because I have seen this before.

Trump is the personification of every abuser in the church, in the culture in which I was raised. The ones I've met, the ones I've written about, the ones on the news, the ones that made my friends cry while I held them, the ones holding influence over masses of people. The ones who rape little girls and boys then "repent" and keep on leading people. The ones who treat women like shit, as sexual objects for their pleasure, as less-than human, yet are lauded as a Man of God because they have all the best words. The ones that stand up in the pulpit while the people they've abused are trapped in the audience pretending to be OK. The ones paid to smile and preach while doing deeds of darkness behind closed doors.

Every Trump supporter, voter, and defender are every enabler I've ever met, written about, and watched. The ones covering up the abuser's scandals. The ones making pregnant 13-yr-olds disappear. The ones loudly proclaiming we should forgive the abuser because Jesus has forgiven him. The ones sitting quietly in church meetings, acquiescing to the Man of God, instead of standing up and saying "this is wrong and you are done". The ones who say "we don't need to involve the police, it isn't that bad". The ones who don't want to ruin the reputation of the abuser so they instead ruin the souls of the abused. They sacrifice the victims to uphold the career of the abuser, to keep their power, because power is life to them. They turn on the abused and say "you need to forgive, Jesus would want you to, you'll regret it if you don't" and leave pieces of victims’ souls strewn along the road. A worthy sacrifice for the end goal.

And so I feel like a cornered animal, like a hunted creature, claws out, back to the wall, unsafe in my own world. Betrayed, surrounded by betrayers. My flight-or-fight response kicks in because the people around me are the enablers and the abuser is spouting the same words on TV as every church pervert and narcissist has spouted from pulpits and podiums. Because people are praising him and excusing his abuse because of his power, just like they did that pastor, that teacher, that preacher, that elder, that man of God who spoke great things. 

Only this time, the abuser might be president.

He's been supported by so many enablers, that he could be our next president.

America is full of enablers and they are our own families and our own neighbors and our pastors and teachers and Christian leaders and government officials. We are surrounded by people who see the reputation and career of an abuser and what he can do for them as more important than the life and souls of the victims and future victims. We are stuck in a culture that laughs at sexual assault and puts the assaulter in the White House, endowing him with all the power, and tells women to get over it that it wasn't that bad that we're overreacting and need to sit down and shut up, that this is what we need, what is good for us. Take it, girls. You'll like it. We sit here and watch you defend the indefensible and we rage and we cry and we wonder what broke and if it can ever be fixed.

"All men do that, it's no big deal", they say. And we look around us, angry and scared, and wonder if we have been so wrong about the world, if we are in danger from people we thought safe because "all men" fantasize about raping women, according to the enablers and the abusers. My skin is crawling and I want to throw up.

We are trapped in a spiral of helplessness as we watch the personification of all our abusers become the most powerful man in the world, upheld by his enablers, who are people we thought we could trust.

And I die a little inside.

Because in Trump I see the abusers that got away with it, were praised for it. In my fellow countrymen I see the enablers that let them, that gave them power. And no one cares about the victims. Their ideology, their hatred for Democrats and liberals and gays, their desire for power trumps everything, even people's lives.

And they destroy themselves along with us because what they don't know that I do is that abusers only use enablers until they can be of no more use.

We all lose this one. Except the abuser. He wins. Because you, people of America, enabled him.

Easter Through Our Eyes

Death to life
Darkness to light
Evening to morning
Winter to spring
Despair to hope

Over and over and over again, from the beginning we never saw to the end we will never see.

This is who we are, what we do, what we obverse, what we grieve, what we celebrate. Like everyone who came before us and those who will come after us, our lives march to the rhythm of these things.  

Peace to you all today as you celebrate this circle of life in whichever way you prefer.


I wrote those words on Facebook this morning, trying to present another perspective in a sea of "He is risen" posts, trying to honor all my friends who choose today to honor life in their own ways.

A friend immediately sent me a note thanking me for writing an Easter status that wasn't triggering.

Another friend was chatting with me, sitting in a coffee shop after she tried to go to church this morning and just couldn't. "People need to know that there are other people hurt by the church", she said.

People need to know.

They need to know that many of my friends have avoided Facebook all weekend because the blatant religiosity causes them physical pain.

They need to know that watching the people who inflicted that pain post sanctimonious scriptures about death and resurrection is like a knife in the heart.

They need to know that many are missing family gatherings today because they are no longer an accepted part of a family that cries "He is risen!" yet rejects their own in His Name.

They need to know that people like me can't sit in a church service or in a group of Christians arguing about pagan holidays and what day Jesus was crucified because both cause panic attacks.

They need to know that when we watch them post about how gay people don't deserve pizza and wedding cakes, then turn around and post about how Jesus died for them and is risen, all we can think is "Who gives a shit that your god is risen when you can't even bother to treat others as human beings? What good is your god and your faith then?"

They need to know that many, so many, people whom they claim their savior died for are hurting today because of them. Because of Christians. Because of church. Because of teachings that taught them they are worthless without god, that their worthlessness killed god, that the only thing keeping his wrath against them in check is the torture and blood of an innocent. "Alas and did my savior bleed and did my sovereign die? Would he devote his sacred head for such a worm as I?" Because "come as you are, open to all" is usually a lie as some of us know that far too well.

I know it's hard to imagine that something that gives you such joy can cause others horrific pain. That this isn't a happy day for so many people. Some of those others want so badly to get the same joy out of your faith as you do. But they can't. Maybe someday they will be able to, maybe never again. It's hard to imagine that your faith you love so dearly isn't the answer for everyone. That when you insist it is, you can hurt more than help.

But this day, right now, there are people hurting as a direct result of the church caring too much about how well people celebrate a day on the calender and not enough about who has been kicked out, abused, forgotten, and shunned. Told it was their fault. Told they deserved it. Given a To-Do list to finish before they are accepted back. Lost their family because of religion. Told God wants them to suffer for their perceived sins. Told they are not good enough for community. Made an outcast. Told what was done to them by Christians was sanctioned by God.

Is it any wonder so many are hiding and avoiding social media and celebratory gatherings today? 

I wrote this once:

"No matter how hard I try, the abusive religion I grew up immersed in will always be there in the scars on my heart, screaming louder as I try to silence them in order to think. I'm so very tired of the struggle.

If you've managed to find a God that isn't abusive, kudos to you. I can't find Him. I only see what people do in his name, I only feel the fear of being a child afraid of hell and afraid of God, the overwhelming disgust at all the things I have felt and heard and said and done and wept about because of him."

When mentions of Easter and death and sin bring up flashbacks of abuse masked in religiosity, telling people "not all Churches" isn't going to help. Leaving your church pew in search of them, not to preach, but to sit and listen and just be, without ulterior motive or agenda....that would help far more. If you want to show "not all Christians" it will have to be with actions not words. It will have to be on other days too, not just this one. "He is risen" written all over Facebook and spoken from pulpits today can't erase the ugly that was said done all the previous weeks.

People need to know.

On Being Apostate

Rejection....beseeching....tears....
anger....betrayal....confusion....
violence....manipulation....loss....

These are some of the things that people encounter upon leaving Christianity. The questions are endless, the loss impossibly painful. Some of us are rejected straight out by family and friends. Some are harassed in the name of evangelism. Christianity says that you can't leave. Leaving means burning in hell forever. (Or, if you're Calvinist, you don't even have a choice, saved or not whether you like it or not.) Leaving is unthinkable. Leaving means losing everything that makes life worth living. Leaving means losing your community, your support, maybe even your job. The whole system is arranged in such a way that leaving isn't even a choice for many.

They try to beg you, reason with you, using not reason but emotional manipulation. "How can you do this to yourself, to your family? Aren't you afraid of hell? Don't you care about your children's eternal souls? Don't you care about how this makes the church look? If you leave, we can no longer be your friends; you cannot be part of our family, God says so. We must now treat you like an unbeliever." Excommunication, rejection, anger, irrational cliches.

Do they really think these tactics will make us want to stay?

People will come up with all sorts of reasons why you must be apostate.

"You just never knew the real God."
"You weren't saved in the first place."
"You are deceived by Satan. You love your flesh more than God."
"You just want to live a sinful life."
"If you only knew God the way I do, the REAL God, you could never leave him."

If I had a dime for every time someone told me that last one, every time they said "that isn't God, this is God" and pointed in another direction, a way I've probably already been, I'd be rich. You can only be told so many times that the God that hurt you, the church that rejected you, is not the real God and the real people of God because eventually  you realize that all gods are made in the image of men and all humans are human no matter how other they claim to be.

I need people to understand something. You don't have a formula for why I walked away from your faith. From MY faith. You cannot justify to yourself some way that I am different, some way that I was broken that you are not, some way I got it wrong, in order to feel secure that you got it right. It's difficult to fathom when you've been taught that if you do xyz, you will be saved forever that someone could do xyz and yet not be saved. I get it. I was you once and I didn't understand and it was scary and I read all the cliches that supposedly explained what was wrong with the apostate that could never be wrong with me. Yet.....here I am. And there you are. And you can try with the best of them to continue to figure out "what went wrong" but your answers will never be satisfactory. Because they will not be true. There is no formula that can keep your faith intact. I realize that according to all the rules, I was not supposed to happen. I've also come to realize the rules are broken, not me, and they lie. I know this doesn't fit into the Christian paradigm. I don't fit. That's OK by me. But someday people are going to have to stop hiding behind their paradigm with all the answers that dismiss everyone who doesn't fit, and start addressing the hard problems that just won't go away and that they don't have answers to.

The truth is that sometimes people wake up and they know something isn't right and they change. It can be sudden or it can be gradual, but it happens. They wake up and they realize they swallowed a lie and life is not what they thought and they can't keep going on pretending that if they just keep on trying, maybe it will work out the way they were told it would. This can happen to anyone, I am not special or unique or flawed. I am human, just like you. No one is exempt from such awakening. It's a choice that we make to continue to live with cognitive dissonance that grows ever worse until we shut down parts of our hearts and minds to stop it and just keep doing and believing what we are told, what is safe. It's also a choice to choose to walk through a door that is scary and foreign but that is honest and true to ourselves. I have chosen the latter. And, for me, that means walking away from belief in god. For some of my friends, it meant re-defining who god is and what that means for them, and I respect that. I hope they find peace in that. I cannot. I've tried. It's dishonest for me.

Please, on behalf of all my ex-Christian friends I beg you, stop trying to save us. It feels very dismissing and disrespectful. I know it's your reaction based on fear that we will rot in hell, but it's a hell that men made to control people's behavior and I reject it. You must believe me when I tell you that there is nothing you can say to me that I haven't heard and probably once said to someone else. The childhood religious indoctrination was complete. There is no scripture you can quote that I don't have memorized. You cannot out-Bible an ex-fundamentalist. You cannot out-Christian-cliche me. I know my Bible better than most pastors. I know the hymns by heart. I was a worship leader. I know every nuance and flavor of Christian culture quite intimately. I know the Greek and Hebrew words. I know the apologetics and the proof-texts and the sermons and the doctrines and all the "right" answers to everything. I was fervent and devoted and loved Jesus with the best of them. You cannot dismiss me by a wave of your hand and a proclamation of "you were never saved". I was the saved of the saved. I was on fire. And now I have seen differently and changed my mind.

Without Christianity, I am free.  I have no desire to go back into that damaging bondage.

This is not a decision that I, that any of us, take lightly. It is insulting to my intelligence that you would think it's "a reaction" to my past. It's true there's an emotional component to my choice. I am an emotional being. But I am also rational and the two are not mutually exclusive. I know what I am doing. Can you please take me on my word at that?

For those of you walking the same path, I want you to know you're not alone. There are resources out there for you. Here are a few that have helped me:

Journey Free~ Religious Trauma Syndrome
Recovering From Religion
Excommunications


Celebrate the journey. Life is precious and far more valuable than I ever imagined. Drink it up. Love much. Pursue your passions. Leave a legacy. Write your story. Love others regardless of their religious beliefs. Peace be with you on your journey.

And So I Choose Freedom to Love

You say being your brand of Christian (which, of course, is the True Christian™) is so much better and fulfilling and joyful and free. But I'm not so sure.

Your christianity says "Women submit to men and must be under their authority and have restrictions on what they can do for God and humans, roles they must fulfill, and anything outside these roles is sin and less-than." 
But without your christianity, I am equal with my husband and have no restrictions on how I can serve God and others. I and my daughters are free to follow our hearts and dreams and be who we want to be, who we were called and created to be.

Your christianity says "Men must be assertive, leaders, and fit into this box in order to be acceptable as men". 
But without your christianity, my husband and sons are free to be whomever they want, and to live their lives without restraints, and to love without boundaries, and to be feeling human beings, and to not worry about being labeled as "not man enough".

Your christianity says "Children must be smacked in the name of God or they will turn into perverts; they were born wicked and it must be trained out of them".
But without your christianity, I am free to treat my children as people, with rights, desires, and minds; free to see them as innocent and beautiful and to treat them with respect and grace and The Golden Rule.

Your christianity says "There are restrictions on gender display and anyone outside that is unacceptable, an outcast, a second-class citizen, an abomination."
But without your christianity, I am free to express my gender however I want and free to love and fully accept people who also do so.

Your christianity says "There are tons of rules and restrictions and laws on how you are to think and act and if you fail those, you are in sin and must repent and if you don't repent, you'll go to hell". 
But without your christianity, I am free to live and love and laugh and dance, and to only make sure to treat others how I want to be treated, to respect, love, and honor myself and everyone else.

Your christianity says "Those who don't follow our rules are excluded".
But without your christianity, I am free to include anyone.

Your christianity says "If your child is gay or transgender, they are an abomination and a sinner".
But without your christianity, I am free to love and accept my child exactly as they are.

Your christianity says "Morality trumps love".
But without your christianity, love IS morality, and love trumps all.

Your christianity says "Everything that goes against what our Bible says cannot be true and must not be considered; you must close your mind to every other idea; they are works of Satan to deceive."
But without your christianity, I am free to think critically, to consider all ideas and evidence, to open my mind to all kinds of incredible possibilities, scientific discoveries, historical perspectives, and interesting philosophies, without feeling threatened by them. To see God as so much bigger than the boxes we put Him in, and His creation as "very good".

Your christianity says "Everyone who disagrees is going to hell".
But without your christianity, people are free to be tolerant and kind, even in disagreement, and live not out of fear of punishment, but out of love of people and life.

Your christianity says "Fear and suspect everything from 'The World' " and makes everyone your enemy until proven otherwise, until they join your club and agree with your religion.
But without your christianity, I am free to live with wisdom and discernment, without fear and suspicion, proving what is good and throwing out what is not.

Tell me again why I would want to give up a full life of freedom and love and acceptance and inclusion? Tell me again how your "christian" life is better than my "heathen" one, how your restrictive relationships are better than my inclusive ones? How is anything you are teaching Good News for me? How is the picture you're painting attractive in the least and why would I want anything to do with it? Because, Hell? Is that all you got? It's not really enough for me anymore.

A kingdom ruled by money and fame, kept intact by control and by keeping many of it's citizens at second-class status, shunning people declared not good enough for any number of arbitrary reasons. Top-down power and corruption everywhere. Fighting over everything. Don't question, just obey. Patriarchy. Abuse covered up, victims ignored or blamed. Fear used to control and manipulate. Oppression. Power-hungry leaders lining their pockets with money of the poor. People told to conform to the status quo or leave. "The least of these" squashed, dismissed, or used as pawns in political games. The strong preying on the weak and shooting their wounded. Intolerance and bashing, all disguised as "love" but looks nothing like any love I've ever wanted. Persecution complex. War against those different. People declaring they are special and better than and set apart yet acting worse than the people they think are not as good as they are.

These are what I see when I look at the Church in America. This is what drowns out the people who are still trying to actually follow Jesus. So much ugliness, I am ashamed to call myself Christian. I can't do it anymore. I refuse to associate myself with that label. It is no longer my identity. It only brings up ugliness in the minds of the culture around us (and in my own mind), not love or peace or humanness. Everything is so backwards of what it is supposed to be, what it once was. I am heartbroken and angry and so very done. I love Jesus, and I try to love people. But I cannot in good conscience call myself Christian any more. I'll just be over here, living, trying to love others though imperfectly, but with inclusion and tolerance. Trying to wade through the mess that is my spiritual journey, authentically and with honesty. Trying to raise children who will not perpetuate such pain, who will make the world better, who will fight for the weak and downtrodden, instead of self-righteously stomping them into the ground like my generation has done. Please, don't try to "convert" me. Don't offer empty cliches, I've heard them all before. I used to use them myself. Don't quote Bible verses at me, I can out-quote you and I flat-out don't care. I want nothing to do with American Christianity, though I love so many of you still a part of it and that won't change one bit. I understand why you stay, you beautiful people with hearts of gold. But I cannot stay where I am not welcome, and the people I love are not welcome because we do not fit into neatly labeled boxes. I hope you can understand that too.

I choose love, joy, peace, kindness, honesty, justice, mercy, redemption, equality, and inclusion. It's all I can do anymore. 

On Leaving Christianity

“I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.” 
― Galileo Galilei, 

“The Bible has noble poetry in it... and some good morals and a wealth of obscenity, and upwards of a thousand lies.” 
― Mark Twain

“If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be—a Christian.” 
― Mark Twain,

“Ninety-nine percent of everything that goes on in most Christian churches has nothing whatsoever to do with the actual religion. Intelligent people all notice this sooner or later, and they conclude that the entire one hundred percent is bullshit, which is why atheism is connected with being intelligent in people's minds.” 
― Neal Stephenson

“Love is larger than the walls which shut it in.” 
― Corrie ten Boom

“I want Jesus to come back and say 'THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT'" -” 
― Margaret Cho

“…Christianity will go. It will vanish and shrink. I don't know what will go first, rock 'n' roll or Christianity. We're more popular than Jesus now. Jesus was all right, but his disciples were thick and ordinary. It's them twisting it that ruins it for me.” 
― John Lennon

“I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” 
― Mahatma Gandhi

“You can safely assume you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.”
― Anne Lamott

“I have a lot of faith. But I am also afraid a lot, and have no real certainty about anything. I remembered something Father Tom had told me--that the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. Certainty is missing the point entirely. Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort, and letting it be there until some light returns.” 
― Anne Lamott

These quotes sum up where my heart is these days. Which would be right in the middle of a conflicting, insane, uncomfortable mess. This holiday season marks two years since we left The Church (tm). Two years of half-heartedly trying a church here and there, searching for something we never found. Two years of being in this limbo place between wanting desperately to belong and not caring if we ever stepped foot in a church again. Two years of a spiritual detox. Of judgment and rejection and hesitant friendships begun and trust trying to bloom again. Of stepping back and seeing this thing called "christianity" with new eyes....the eyes of an outsider.

I am nowhere closer to resolving this conflict over religion in my life. I'm not sure I ever will be. But today I realized something.

I am done. I am done with Christianity in America. I want no more part of it. I have no wise words or inspirational thoughts here. Just weariness and raw honesty.

I look around me and I see nothing about Jesus in Christianity. I see a lot of judgment and cliques and pettiness and fear. I see rules and regulations and church constitutions that have more pages than the book of Mark. I see bigotry and sexism and homophobia and hierarchy. I see "pastors" that look more like powerful CEOs of businesses than servants washing feet. Questions that aren't allowed to be asked. "I'll pray for you" being thrown at everyone that doesn't fit the mold. Conformity masquerading as unity. Insincerity and masks. Weak cliches thrown at broken hearts. Power and control and greed and and performance and who has the biggest church and the best worship team and the most accurate theology.

That doesn't mean I'm done with God. I'm not quite sure where I stand with the idea of God. Walking away from institutionalized religion has caused me to ask even more questions, seek for more answers, and mostly to let my heart rest and be. I'm not any less conflicted about Jesus or why I believe in the God of the New Testament. I'm just OK with the conflict now. If God is who he says he is, he can handle my doubt and questions. If he doesn't exist, then doubt won't hurt anything. If he's some vengeful, sadistic god that won't let you into heaven if you don't pray some prayer then why would I care what he thinks? Obviously I lean toward the first scenario. Mostly out of choice, and partly because there are things I cannot explain and deeply personal happenings and issues that cause me to believe in something higher than myself. And I kinda like that Jesus guy.

My spiritual journey is messy, for sure. And there isn't room for messy misfits in America's churches.
People are leaving The Church in droves, and there's been a myriad of boring articles trying to explain why. Postulating all kinds of nonsense on why those darn Millenials just won't go to church. But why do these hot-shot pastors spewing such things never just sit down and ask. ASK the people who left why they left. Is that really so hard? Or do they even really want to know? Micah from Redemption Pictures put together many heart-rending stories worth consideration. 

When asked about leaving the organized system of Christianity, here's what a couple of my friends had to say:

"My personal view is that what frustrates me so much is definitely the man made version of Christianity. My entire life, I have been told what the Bible says, what the Bible means and how it applies to my life. But I am not the only one: our entire western society is dominated by a certain ideology of This Higher Being we call God and what His Book should dictate in our lives. In my opinion, this ideology is completely twisted and lacks basic Truth. I'm not sure what the Truth is but I know what it is not. " ~Naomi

"I am right there with you. I'm sure I'll study Jesus more at some point, but I've just been tired for more than a year and can't even begin to think much about it. Stopped attending church all together about two years ago, now that I think about it. Wow. I barely ever missed a Sunday before that. I think you'll find that the sentiment you shared is not so uncommon anymore. We're hurt, frustrated, and burnt out. Doesn't mean that we don't still want Truth."  ~Amy

"The more I read and question, the more I'm convinced christianity began to lose its way back in the 3rd century when it began to be formalized and politicized and has been on a more or less downward spiral from there." ~Heath

"But this is what concerns some activist Christian leaders, that we are all not attending church anymore, so America is going down the tubes! They don't seem to understand that just because we can't take their institutions anymore doesn't mean we have abandoned God or the Bible. We just abandoned performance." ~Matt

"I got so waterlogged of Bible after 3 years of Bible school (forced by my family because I was "rebellious" and it was that or homelessness,) that I have rarely opened a bible since, six years later. Since I got married we have rarely gone to church and we recently realized we are done with Christianity altogether. We want truth but most Christians do not live out what they claim are their greatest truths (Love God, and love your neighbor, pray for your enemies.) I am not going to be disrespectful of another person's choices or religion. Granted, if something a religion believes is a human rights violation I would do everything in my power to see it stopped, but if I disagree with someone else's path I am not going to mock them for it. How is that loving your neighbor? And yet I see Christians do that all the time." ~Jennyfer

When Christianity is used to justify bigotry, hatred, hitting children, sexism toward women, rejection of LGBT friends and family, bombing other countries, rejecting people we don't like, controlling people, spending money on huge buildings instead of feeding the poor, judging other people, splitting families apart, bondage, wars, throwing away logic and reason.....is it any wonder that many of us are just done? We're tired of trying to reconcile that innate belief of justice and morality that Christians say points to God, with the God we are told is love. It cannot be reconciled and some of us cannot live in cognitive dissonance any longer. The answer is as simple and as complex as that. The institutions and businesses on every corner that people call "church" are nothing like the church I read about in the New Testament. Maybe someday I'll find a group of people that want that pure, simple fellowship in faith, and that aren't afraid to ask hard questions, and aren't afraid of doubt. Maybe I've already found it in many of you I've met online.  Maybe I've found it in the people I meet and walk with every day, some Christians, some not. Maybe it can't BE found inside the stifling walls of a church building. Maybe Love was never meant to be caged like that.

I have no idea what the future holds for my spiritual journey or if I will someday try Church again. I'm open to the idea. But for now, I'm just done. To save my heart and soul, I am done.

Random Musings

Part of the reason I haven't written much on my blog lately would be because I have so many thoughts about so many different things swirling around in my head and I can't seem to develop them into an entire post that makes sense. So I thought I'd just start writing what's on my mind and see what happens. This is going to be completely unorganized and random and if you're looking for some persuasive argument or profound sayings, you'll have to read one of my other posts for that. You've been warned.

My husband and daughter were in a terrible car accident 2 weeks ago. He was talking her to school. They never made it. By some miracle, my daughter walked away without a scratch. My husband suffered head trauma, multiple lacerations, a severe concussion, memory loss, and a lot of back and neck pain. When the EMT called me and said "they're both OK, that's the important part", it turns out none of them thought my husband was OK. When I pulled up and saw my Explorer, I knew they were lying to me. I couldn't believe that my daughter was sitting in the back of an ambulance, talking the fireman's head off, and asking if she could go to school now. The place where her carseat was was completely smashed and her seat crushed. We found out later she had talked her dad into letting her sit in the front seat since school is only a mile down the road. That probably saved her life. (Though I have no idea how the airbag missed her.) My husband was actually OK, though really beat up. He's still recovering and driving me crazy because he can't do much yet and that's driving HIM crazy. People sent me so many comments that week about how good God is and how amazing it was that they're both fine and what a miracle that my daughter was unharmed. And I have to wonder....what would they say if I'd lost half my family that day? Would they still say God is good? Or would they blame the devil and this broken world? Why does God get all the credit and none of the blame? I don't disagree that I am very blessed and so grateful that my family is intact. I believe it is a miracle and and I thank God for it. But I just wonder how many that gave God credit for their lives would blame Him for their deaths, if that had happened instead? I think I would. Because I'm consistent like that, even if I don't like it.

Why is it that so many Christians have a "vending machine god" mentality. You know what I'm talking about: the idea that is you put the right thoughts, words, prayers, tithing, and good deeds into your life, God will magically bless you. Insert quarter, receive snack. And that you can control the type of blessing you get by the type of prayer or the amount of money you "put into" your life and your church. The reverse is also taught: that if you don't tithe and you don't "give your firstfruits to God" and you don't pray the devil away, God won't bless you and calamity will befall you. Even for people who claim to follow the Bible, I don't see where they get this idea. And if one more person enthusiastically tells me I just have to go to a Dave Ramsey class (which costs $100, btw) and my life and finances will magically fix themselves....I just might come unglued. Unless Dave Ramsey can get me free rent and more income and make the insurance company pay the hospital bills, he can't help me.

I've about had it with people who think the devil is everywhere, there's a demon around every corner, and unless we acknowledge that, we're doomed. I've heard some crazy stuff lately. I have termed these teachings "christian voodoo" because that's all they are. Hocus-pocus with a christian slant. If you can accidentally curse yourself by saying the wrong thing, or let the devil into your home through a cabbage patch doll, or allow a demon to enter your room through your pet cat, then your god is incompetent and worthless. And don't get me started on places like the Elijah List that sell magic charms for your home and body. Why don't you just string garlic around your neck? Magic oil to anoint your house? Talk about a scam. These people are making tons of money off selling pagan, Dark Ages superstition in the name of Christianity. They sell fear, propaganda, and the magic to make it all go away. You know what? The Jesus I serve defeated all spiritual powers, making a mockery of them, a public spectacle, and sent them packing. I don't live my life in fear of some spiritual dark power that will get me if I don't pay attention. That's a stupid way to live and I refuse. And, yes, if you must know, I can prove my position from the Bible perfectly and probably whoop their hermeneutical butt. But this is a random rant, not a theological dissertation.

I feel like I will never find a church I can belong. Where I'll fit in. Where it's OK to ask the hard questions and disagree and still be part of the community. I don't trust pastors. I've yet to meet one that doesn't have screwed up ideas on "church authority" and who has it and who doesn't. I keep going to different churches which look really great on the outside and have awesome people in them, then the cynical part of me kicks in and I can't help but think "what would they say or do if they knew I believed _____ ?" and I get discouraged. I miss being a part of a church where it was OK to believe differently than the majority, where it was OK to ask questions and disagree, and where no one harped on us for not signing a membership contract. I feel lonely and isolated and it's probably my fault because I just can't bring myself to conform to what is acceptable just to be...well, accepted. Part of the "in" group. I'm a free-thinker and that's just not going to change. Ever. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier if I could happily sit in a congregation and be spoon fed by a preacher and go home living in my own happy little paradigm, squashing any questions my heart asks and ignoring the reality of life around me that doesn't fit my worldview. Those people seem so much happier and less at war with themselves. But I can't do it. Tis the curse of one who has seen too much and refuses to stick their head back into the sand.

I'm really enjoying a book called "Grace-Based Parenting" right now. It's helped me to be more purposeful in instilling ideas and fulfilling needs in my children. One of the things the book says that all kids (all people, really) need is significance. They need to know that their lives are important and they have a purpose. That their being here on this earth means something and it's up to us as parents to help them find that meaning and give them the skills to follow their dreams and gifts. I heartily agree with this, but see the need to be more purposeful in how I pass this idea down to my kids. Believing it about myself is the first step but I've never had a problem with that. I've always felt very confident that I am gifted, important, and have a purpose. I can see that in my kids already, as young as they are, and am determined to not let others take that confidence away from them.

Someone asked me a question the other day about how I can reconcile my faith with seeming inconsistencies in Christianity, the bible, and life. We were discussing the morality of the Old Testament and how God condoned things that we would decry as horrible outrages. It's a tough question, one I ask myself a lot. This was my answer and I thought it worth putting here on my blog for future reference. The question was, specifically, what is it that outweighs the inconsistencies in the OT for you in order to still have faith? My answer is simplistic, but honest. It's just where I'm at.

"Several things, actually. One would be completely re-studying to find that many parts of the Bible I'd been taught were literal actually aren't (such as the Creation account). I feel like the more I study the more I realize I don't know half of what I thought I knew.

Another thing would be admitting that while I believe the Bible to be truth and inspired by God, I also believe it to be a product of the culture it was written in and the men who wrote it. Does that mean there are mistakes? Probably. But that doesn't change the overall message for me. For some I could see how it would, but for me it doesn't. My faith is not threatened by admitting the human element of the scriptures.

Also, we are told in several places that the Man Jesus is the personification of God. If you see Jesus, you've seen God. Jesus is the invisible God made visible; the "face" of God Himself. So if something in the Old Testament (which is so vast and not at all black and white or easily interpreted) contradicts what we see in the actions of Jesus (which it often does), then I have to choose Jesus. Because I'm human, He was human, and I understand what I see in Him. He's the concrete to the OT God's abstract. Jesus even overturned many of God's OT laws; contradicted them in ways that were unheard of (and I don't buy the argument "well Jesus was just clarifying God's laws". Really? Because "do good to those who harm you" is the clarification of "eye for an eye". I don't think so.)

The other thing that causes my faith to win in this battle of inconsistencies isn't entirely based on objectivity or logic, but on my own experiences. My life doesn't make sense without God. Some would call this a crutch for a weak soul, but crutch or not, it feels very true to me. I have known Him and seen Him working in my life. I have seen miracles that I can't explain other then "God did it". Sometimes the inconsistencies in my faith and the questions that constantly rage in my head seem too much to bear. But I always come back to the same conclusion: I believe in God. I believe in the Jesus of the Bible. Call it crazy (I do sometimes) but there it is.

I no longer have the need to be right, to know it all, or to have perfect understanding. That doesn't mean I stop thinking about it or wrestling with it or throw logic and reason out the window. It doesn't mean I will stop questioning because questioning is just part of my nature. It just means that where I can't "prove" something, I choose to believe in God. Others, acting on lack of proof, choose atheism. I choose faith. It's just my personal choice. If there is a God, and if He is who He says He is in the Bible and the Person of Jesus, then I don't think He needs me to have all understanding in order to believe in Him. If He is who He says He is, then the things that are NOT difficult to understand....love, kindness, faith, grace, salvation, forgiveness.... are the things that matter most, the things that will make a difference in my life and the lives of others around me. It's fun to talk and debate about scholarly things such as theistic evolution or Calvinism or whether Jonah is myth or history. But at the end of the day, these things are not what matters. People will be born and die and these debates will go on, being born or dying with us. But things like love or forgiveness will change the world, maybe even affect generations to come. "

So there you have it. A little picture of what is going on in my mind today. Well, the parts that make sense anyway. Or that are worth sharing. Everything else bouncing around in there has to do with my kids, their schooling, the new baby coming, keeping up the few friendships I have IRL, financial crap and what to do about it, desire for summer and warm weather, a couple of theological debates, a few songs that need to be written, a few friends that have been generous and how I wish I could bake them a cake or something, a few stories I want to write, how to make more sales and gain more customers for my business, politics, what to name our foal when it arrives, whether or not I actually like the baby names I've picked out for our human baby, my scary dreams that I'm having twins, and what to make for dinner that won't make me puke while I'm cooking it. Just another day in paradise. ;)

A Letter to My Friends

Hello, poor neglected little blog. :) A lot's been going on in my life lately that's made me completely neglect my writing here. The biggest: baby number 4 is on the way and making my life more miserable than I've ever experienced. I know that he/she will be worth it, but for now, puking, sleeping, and trying to take decent care of my other children is consuming all my time. Hopefully I'll get the urge to write something interesting one of these days. Until then, I thought I'd post this letter I recently sent out to all my friends and family on Facebook. Hopefully it will be an encouragement to you all and help you in your own journey toward authentic, genuine life. It was my biggest "coming out" moment yet. And so freeing!

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A Letter to My Friends

There is a lot of angst among my friends these days, in real life and the communites I frequent online. The problem: me, apparently. Many people have expressed concern about my spiritual walk. They seem to see me on a slippery slope to the hot place. (Or, if they're Reformed, a slipperly slope to skidding into heaven smelling like smoke. Wood, hay and stubble and all that. Like I might be the exception to the eternal security of believers. ;)) I hear the rumblings and rumors. "We don't know about that Darcy....she's flirting with apostacy or something." I hear words like "heresy" thrown around a lot. I'm getting a lot of "concerned" messages by people who think they understand enough to judge the state of my soul.

But let me be real here for a moment. Let me give you a glimpse into my heart and my journey. Then if you still wish to judge me, go right ahead. At least you'll be getting your information from the source and not rumors or fear of the unknown.

I am not throwing away my faith. Not gonna happen. As much as I've been angry at God, have questioned Him and questioned my beliefs, one thing remains: I know Him. He is the constant in my life of insecurites and chaos. I believe Jesus is the Word, the Logos, of God. I have many friends who have rejected Jesus or God or Christianity but that's their journey. It isn't mine so stop judging me based on your fear that that will be my journey as well. It is an unfounded fear.

I have been, in the last 10 years, completely turning every belief I was raised with up-side down and inside out. I have thrown out so many beliefs because let's be honest here. I was taught some crappy stuff as a kid and a teen. I believed a lot of stupidity back then. I take full responsibility for every wrong belief I held, and it's because I take full responsibility that I no longer hold most of those beliefs. This is not a personal thing against my parents, teachers, or friends that still hold many of those beliefs. It is just my personal journey of examining everything, throwing out the bad, and trying desparately to hold onto the good. Do not be offended if I throw out a belief that you are still holding onto.

Can you listen to my heart, my friends, for a moment? I've lost faith in church as we know it. I'm disillusioned with American Christianity. I value relationship over religion and religion has been ruining relationships for me. I walk into a church and come out feeling like something is very wrong. Conservative churches are too uptight, too rigid, too fear and shame-based. Modern churches are very fake. I don't do fake. But within these church structures are good people, awesome people, and I'm trying to figure out how to be in relationship with these people without conforming to the insitution of "church". Because that institution is killing my soul. The church was always meant to be an organic body of people who are defined and recognized by their love for others. Not a building where we go to "do church". Not a mission statement or a deacon board or a congregational meeting or budgets or programs or membership classes or the perfect worship team. I walk into most churches and I see a business. I am not satisfied with that. If you are, great. That's where you're at and I'm glad you're happy. Don't judge me because I'm not.

I now hold a lot of so-called "unorthodox" Christian beliefs. Yet they're not really that unorthodox. They're been around and held by fellow believers for centuries. I don't know what people are so afraid of. The three main beliefs I hold that get people's panties in a wad these days are Preterism, Egalitarianism, and Old Earth Creationism. I've held to Preterism for a good 12 years now. So don't act like it's some new kick I'm on. I no longer believe in male headship or hierarchal authority structure in God's economy. Men are women are completely equal in God's kingdom, in position and function. This riles a lot of peole but I don't get why. Why should it matter to you that I believe women are free to use the gifts God gave us? How does that threaten you enough to proclaim me on a slipperly slope to hell? Really? I'm no extreme feminist. I don't believe women are better than men. I believe in true equality. I believe that is what Jesus came to restore after mankind messed it up so badly. Does it really threaten you that my husband and I respect each other as equals? That neither of us seeks to be "over" the other? That we're teaching our kids not to conform to the confines that people want to place them under? That we use the Golden Rule and the "one-another" passages of the Bible under which to operate our relationship? If you want to have a "head" and a "submissive" in your relationship, that's your choice. We chose differently.

So I no longer believe the world is 6,000 years old. I interpret Genesis different than you, as have many of our fellow-believers for centuries. Only recently have christians decided this was an affront to the gospel. Only recently have Christians decided that one is saved by Jesus plus a belief in a young earth. I reject that. But if you reject my status as "true christian" because I think the world is millions of years old, that is not my problem. I will still love you. I will still desire relationship with you. Because I don't think it matters whether the earth is 6,000 or 6,000,000,000 years old. YOU, my friends, matter more to me than this.

There's a lot of people like me out there. We're the ones condemned by the church for questioning the status quo. We're the ones who seem lost, who often feel lost, because we can't reconcile what we've seen and experienced with cheap Christian "answer's" and cliches. Because our Christian friends are more concerned about their religion than our relationship. We are branded "rebels" and looked at as threats. The very worst thing you can do for us is to judge our hearts and dismiss our questions. To tell us we "just don't like what God has to say" and are just "rebelling against Him". If you want the questioning ones to run as far away from you as possible, go ahead and do these things. But if you want to restore our dwindling faith in Christianity and strengthen our faith in God, then come alongside us and just love. Trust that God will finish what He started and you don't have to be the Holy Spirit in our lives. He's got that covered. You can help, or you can hinder.

I don't pretend to know it all or have it all together. I will never pretend to be something I'm not. I think what matters more than these issues that people are using to reject me is love. You can know all doctrine and understand all mysteries, but if you have no love none of that matters. I would never question your salvation based on whether you believe women and men are equals or the earth is young or old. I would never reject your friendship or treat you like you're ignorant. All I ask is that you do the same for me.

You people know me. Many of you have known me for a very long time. You've watched me grow up and mature, get married, have kids, and walk my journey. Some of you have walked it with me. You know me well enough to know that every decision I make was carefully thought out and considered. You know I don't just wake up one day and decide to believe one thing or another. Give me the benefit of the doubt that I know where I'm going and what I believe and can defend those beliefs just as well as you can defend yours. Stop telling me I'm "throwing out scripture" or "cherry-picking" because that just shows your ignorance of me and your fear of what you don't understand. If you want to know why I believe what I believe, stop name-calling and judging and just ask me. If you are more concerned about my soul than your paradigm that is threatened by my beliefs, then you will care enough to ask me. But if you'd rather just judge my heart and condemn my soul, or walk away from relationship with me, that's your choice. I am sorry for you, but it's your choice.

I love you all. If you're reading this, it's because I've formed a relationship with you and respect you. I know that most of you care about me very much. So I want to tell you all once and for all.....don't worry about me. I am passionate about my relationship with Jesus, I will never stop pursuing truth, and I will fight for the relationships I have with the people I love. I will be gentle with you on your journey and love you for who you are. Can you do the same for me? If you're truly concerned for my soul, can you come to me and talk about it? Can we talk through these things without judging each other's walk? Can you be my friend instead of playing god in my life?
Under much grace,
~Darcy

"Who are you to judge another's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. Indeed, he will be made to stand, for God is able to make him stand." Rom. 14:4

"Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day." 2 Tim. 1:12

Not So Clearly

There's something really bugging me about theological conversations with people who think they're got it all figured out. (Besides the fact that they think they have it all figured out....). I keep hearing the phrase "The Bible clearly says...", which is used to completely stomp out the opposition. Or just make them look stupid.

I am here to tell you that the Bible doesn't "clearly say" what everyone seems to think it does. There's not much in the Bible that's really very "clear" at all. The more I read and study, the less I feel I know, and the muddier it all gets. Think about it: we're talking about a book that's comprised of hundreds of documents, stories, instructions, poems, prophecies, and history, written by dozens of different men, over a period of thousands of years, in several different languages, to cultures that were very different than our own, and translated into hundreds of languages. How is that "clear and simple"??? Answer: it's not. It makes for very complicated study and interpretation.

It just kills me when someone quotes a scripture out of an English Bible and says "see? it's really very clear and simple". And it really gets to me when people downplay looking up the scriptures in their original language and say "well, it gets rather confusing when you do that. I just read it for what it says." *face palm* Clearly they don't understand the process of how that scripture went from God's mouth to our hands. How in the world is a translation from the original language more "clear and accurate" than the original launguage?!

I believe that God has preserved His written will and heart. But I don't think that much of the church's interpretations of that written will are very accurate. Nor do I think that they have been arrived at by the best methods. I also don't believe that just reading an English Bible is the best way to discover what God really thinks. That written will itself says to "be diligent to.....accurately divide the Word of Truth". If it were really as "clear and simple" as people seem to think, why would it take diligence and hard work to "rightly divide" what God has said?

I am not afraid to admit that the Bible is one complicated book. I don't think this makes God less personal or less powerful. It certainly ups my determination to study and seek after the Truth, knowing that it is there and it is important. I'm also not afraid to question everything I've ever been taught and to discuss it with others. But I seem to be running into two kinds of Christians. The first kind is so confident in their knowledge of "what the Bible clearly says" that they cannot see any other point of view enough to even dialoge about it. They just throw scriptures at you, thinking that that should settle it. This frustrates me to no end. The other kind of Christian seems almost afraid of digging deeper and re-examining scripture. Like they're scared of being wrong or "deceived" or finding out that what they've always been taught isn't God's clear truth after all. So they resort to judging motives ("you just don't like authority, you're a feminist, etc") and stating "Well, the Bible clearly states...and if you can't see it then I can't help you." End of discussion.

Maybe it's because I've been through two major religious paradigm shifts in my life, or maybe it's just my personality, but finding out I was wrong doesn't scare or intimidate me in the least. Why should it? I want to know what God thinks and if what I've been believing isn't it then I'm more than happy to leave it behind. Just, please, don't call me names and don't judge my heart just because you're too afraid of being wrong and too confident in your own knowledge to even consider that you might be.

So far the only "clear" things I see in the Bible are this: God loves us, we blew it, Jesus lived, died, and lives again to redeem us, and the Christian life is all about loving God and loving people. Everything else is a little foggy but I'm OK with that. I'm determined to ask, seek, and knock, and never stop until I'm dead. God's not going to strike me with lightning and send me to hell because I'm wrong about womens roles, church authority, dress codes, eschatology, or kosher eating. He's not threatened by my questioning. If that's the kind of god you serve, then I'm not the one with problems.

Don't freak out on me; I'm not promoting reletivism. I do believe in absolute truth. I'm just not sure that we're meant to find it in this life. Maybe it's supposed to be a journey, a process, a walking-with-God thing. For now, I'm confident in my unconfidence of my own knowledge and if I never get to the bottom of the egalitarian v. complementarian debate, I'm totally fine with that. Meanwhile, I'm lovin' on my husband, my kids, and everyone else who comes across my path; I'm walking with God and enjoying the journey. I figure that's what really matters anyway.

Searching....

I feel....empty. No, that's no quite right. I feel like I'm searching for something and I can't find it. Spiritually, something is lacking. I go to church, hopeful for that elusive Something. I look for it while reading articles from really spiritually-together people. While interacting with friends, online and in real life. But I can't find it. I sit and listen to the sermon at church, waiting, hoping for the piece that will fall into place and make everything make sense. But instead, I find myself cynically replying to everything the preacher says. "God will always take care of us!" (except when He ...doesn't.) "Everything happens for a reason" (even that little girl that was abducted the other day? God better have one hell of a reason for that.) "Ask Him to show You where He wants to heal your heart" (I've been asking a long time, Lord...) "Isn't God good?" (Maybe. Sometimes. Then there's those other times...) "Lord, we pray for Your hand of healing on Brother Smith" (Right. Because that works.) "Lord, thank you so much that you spared Sister Jones' house from the fire" (what about the other houses that didn't get spared? Why do we give God all of the credit and none of the blame?)

I feel so guilty for thinking such things. I pray, but with no faith. I want to, but praying with faith didn't make much of a difference. I know that Jesus is a huge part of my life. That He cares about me and about my family. That's He's healed me from so much pain and sin and He's directed my life in obvious ways. I try so hard to listen and believe but I can't help the barrage of cynical questions and thoughts that bombard my mind. I try to talk about it with others but I'm only met with tired cliches and Christianese. It just isn't enough anymore! I'm so tired of hearing them. I need answers, real ones. And I'm wondering if there's anyone out there in Christendom who can give them to me.

I'm tired of church. I go only to find community. I love the people, the friends we've made, the community we've formed. But church...even some of the songs we sing drive me crazy. It's not the church's fault. Honestly, this church we're attending is great. The people are passionate and sincere, and the preaching is full of grace and truth. I feel accepted and loved. But for some reason, it's not enough. Enough to answer the burning questions and fill the void in my heart.

Why can't we get a break and get ahead financially?
Why can't God help us find a job that would be easier for our family?
Why do little children have to suffer at the hands of adults?
Why does my daughter have to struggle with autism?
Why doesn't God heal people?
What good does following Him really do?
If God isn't inept, that seems to make Him aloof and uncaring....

And if one more person tell me to "just take your questions to Jesus" I'm going to blow. What do they think I'm doing?? I read my Bible and all I get is more questions. I used to be so optimistic and passionate and now I don't feel much of anything except cynicism. And I hate that! I am craving community, close friendships, someone who won't either freak out or offer pad-answers when I ask questions. I sat in church on Sunday and I looked around at eager people soaking up the Word of God and I wondered, What's wrong with me? I listen to my friend tell me her problems yet still saying "but I know that God will work it all out" and I think, I used to say that. Do I still believe that? I don't know. What happened? Life, I suppose.

I think we're missing something. That Christianity, with all it's ministries, programs, churches, worship, and VBS's is missing something. There's should be so much more to this thing we call "church", this label "Christian". But I walk into a church and it's like time freezes around me, and I'm the only one still moving while everyone else is frozen and I can see all the happiness and joy on people's faces but I can't be there, experience it with them. I want to reach out and connect but I can't. Am I the only one that feels like this doing church isn't enough? Everyone else seems perfectly content while I sit here, frustrated and lonely. And doubting. I just can't seem to reconcile what I read about God with what I am experiencing on a daily basis.

I crave a real relationship. With a real God. Not the God everyone has neatly in their church-defined boxes. But the God of the Bible Who came through for His people in mighty ways. I crave community. Not Sunday morning "let's stand and worship the Lord". But Monday night Bible-study-turned-comforting-and-holding-up-the-broken-ones. Friends that do life together. Fellowship that you literally cannot live without. I've seen glimpses of this amazing life. And it leaves me wishing, longing, grasping for more. And tired of missing it.

Does this resonate with anybody?