Darkness to light
Evening to morning
Winter to spring
Despair to hope
Over and over and over again, from the beginning we never saw to the end we will never see.
This is who we are, what we do, what we obverse, what we grieve, what we celebrate. Like everyone who came before us and those who will come after us, our lives march to the rhythm of these things.
Peace to you all today as you celebrate this circle of life in whichever way you prefer.
I wrote those words on Facebook this morning, trying to present another perspective in a sea of "He is risen" posts, trying to honor all my friends who choose today to honor life in their own ways.
A friend immediately sent me a note thanking me for writing an Easter status that wasn't triggering.
Another friend was chatting with me, sitting in a coffee shop after she tried to go to church this morning and just couldn't. "People need to know that there are other people hurt by the church", she said.
People need to know.
They need to know that many of my friends have avoided Facebook all weekend because the blatant religiosity causes them physical pain.
They need to know that watching the people who inflicted that pain post sanctimonious scriptures about death and resurrection is like a knife in the heart.
They need to know that many are missing family gatherings today because they are no longer an accepted part of a family that cries "He is risen!" yet rejects their own in His Name.
They need to know that people like me can't sit in a church service or in a group of Christians arguing about pagan holidays and what day Jesus was crucified because both cause panic attacks.
They need to know that when we watch them post about how gay people don't deserve pizza and wedding cakes, then turn around and post about how Jesus died for them and is risen, all we can think is "Who gives a shit that your god is risen when you can't even bother to treat others as human beings? What good is your god and your faith then?"
They need to know that many, so many, people whom they claim their savior died for are hurting today because of them. Because of Christians. Because of church. Because of teachings that taught them they are worthless without god, that their worthlessness killed god, that the only thing keeping his wrath against them in check is the torture and blood of an innocent. "Alas and did my savior bleed and did my sovereign die? Would he devote his sacred head for such a worm as I?" Because "come as you are, open to all" is usually a lie as some of us know that far too well.
I know it's hard to imagine that something that gives you such joy can cause others horrific pain. That this isn't a happy day for so many people. Some of those others want so badly to get the same joy out of your faith as you do. But they can't. Maybe someday they will be able to, maybe never again. It's hard to imagine that your faith you love so dearly isn't the answer for everyone. That when you insist it is, you can hurt more than help.
But this day, right now, there are people hurting as a direct result of the church caring too much about how well people celebrate a day on the calender and not enough about who has been kicked out, abused, forgotten, and shunned. Told it was their fault. Told they deserved it. Given a To-Do list to finish before they are accepted back. Lost their family because of religion. Told God wants them to suffer for their perceived sins. Told they are not good enough for community. Made an outcast. Told what was done to them by Christians was sanctioned by God.
Is it any wonder so many are hiding and avoiding social media and celebratory gatherings today?
I wrote this once:
"No matter how hard I try, the abusive religion I grew up immersed in will always be there in the scars on my heart, screaming louder as I try to silence them in order to think. I'm so very tired of the struggle.
If you've managed to find a God that isn't abusive, kudos to you. I can't find Him. I only see what people do in his name, I only feel the fear of being a child afraid of hell and afraid of God, the overwhelming disgust at all the things I have felt and heard and said and done and wept about because of him."
When mentions of Easter and death and sin bring up flashbacks of abuse masked in religiosity, telling people "not all Churches" isn't going to help. Leaving your church pew in search of them, not to preach, but to sit and listen and just be, without ulterior motive or agenda....that would help far more. If you want to show "not all Christians" it will have to be with actions not words. It will have to be on other days too, not just this one. "He is risen" written all over Facebook and spoken from pulpits today can't erase the ugly that was said done all the previous weeks.
People need to know.
I am so sorry. People just really mess it up but you know what...regardless..Jesus will truly always love you regardless!! That is a forever truth no matter what happens in this crazy world of ours!!
ReplyDeleteThank you Darcy.
ReplyDeleteYes, thank you. I was invited to the family Easter dinner this year, unlike last, but just couldn't bring myself to go - too draining for all the reasons you articulate so well here.
ReplyDeleteThis:
"Some of those others want so badly to get the same joy out of your faith as you do. But they can't. "
and this:
"Told it was their fault. Told they deserved it. Given a To-Do list to finish before they are accepted back. Lost their family because of religion. Told God wants them to suffer for their perceived sins. Told they are not good enough for community. Made an outcast. Told what was done to them by Christians was sanctioned by God."
especially resonated with me.
I've been reading your blog for a while, but have never commented. I relate to so much on here.
ReplyDeleteI am one of 8 kids. I only wore skirts growing up. Long, denim skirts to be exact. My hair was down to my waist and totally unkempt. I wore only long sleeves. I wasn't allowed to talk to any boys unless they were my brothers (actual rule). I was homeschooled and only went out on Sunday for church. I constantly was in charge of watching my younger siblings. I was the most awkward girl on the planet.
When I was 21, I started rebelling and talking to a guy. I had a huge crush on him and he asked me to marry him. I did, and today we have three children. Around age 18-20, I left the faith. Today, at 46 I'm a conservative Christian.
Often, I'm asked why I went back to Christianity. The answer? Because your parents and my parents didn't teach us true Christianity. My parents taught me to be judgmental, snobbish, etc. That isn't Christianity. My parents thought that public schoolers were sinners. That isn't what true Christianity teaches. Honestly, the majority of what my parents taught and tried to teach me was a bunch of lies that they had inherited from people like them. While I don't know your parents, it sounds like they did the same to you.
My husband convinced me to give Christianity a second chance. I couldn't be happier that I did. Our current church is amazing. The people there are not judgmental, but loving. They welcomed me in despite my differences.
Darcy, please consider giving Christianity a second chance. Our parents taught us things contrary to what it actually is. Yes, their are some bad things out there being done in the name of Christianity. I understand that. But Christianity has helped me in so many ways. It deserves a second chance.
One last thing , Darcy. I think it's obvious that we both have scars. Deep wounds from the teachings our parents have given us. However, there comes a time when we have to let it go. I became such a better wife, mother, and friend when I stopped holding so many grudges. I needed to forgive my parents. I needed to let it go. Me complaining about the past isn't going to change it. As a matter of fact, it's probably just going to make the present miserable too. I can't tell you the happiness I've found since I've forgiven and moved on. Once again, I still hurt. But moving past some of it has been the best thing I've ever done. I'm so much happier.
Also, if you wouldn't mind answering this, what is your current religion? I was curious to know.
God bless.
Judy,
DeleteThanks so much for this. So perfectly put.
Judy, I answered many of your questions and assertions in this post: http://darcysheartstirrings.blogspot.com/2015/01/on-being-apostate.html
DeleteAs I said in that post, it is very disrespectful and dismissing to assume that people walk away from christianity because of their past, or because they are having a reaction to pain, or because of emotional brokenness, or anything of the sort. It's getting offensive that no matter how many times I say that my choices are based on a lot of research, critical thinking, and thorough examination of the evidence, people continue to dismiss and not listen and claim all sorts of other reactionary reasons why I must have walked away. I know that this "reactionary narrative" is popular among those who are grasping for some reason why someone de-converted, but it is blatantly false. It needs to stop being told. *It's the wrong story.* I would encourage you to read the link I posted and take it to heart so you can stop with the false narrative. I'm sure you don't mean to be dismissing and disrespectful but that's exactly what it is.
As for the "let it go" theme, I also think that many people have the wrong idea about what healing is. They, as you did here, make a lot of assumptions that just aren't true or helpful. I understand the need to neatly label people and events and put them in boxes to make them easier to deal with, but that's a habit you'll need to stop if you truly want to help others.
I am a very happy person with a fulfilling, successful life and an exciting future. Sometimes I look around me at my family and the place I live and think "How did I get this lucky?!" But my story is my story, it will never change no matter how much I'd like to re-write it or forget. It MADE me the person I am today, a person I like and am proud of. I tell my story because 1. it helps others who are on the healing journey, and, 2. it is MY story. I can no more erase my past than I can erase the person I am right now. Generally when people say "you need to move on/let it go/ forgive" what they mean is "you need to stop talking about it". Usually because they too have a difficult time coping and the only way they've found to do so is to be quiet and forget. others then come along who are not silent and it makes them remember and that's uncomfortable. This has been my experience. Telling my story, being vulnerable about the cycles of grief and pain and growth, does not mean there is no forgiveness or there are grudges, or that I am not the person I could be if I just stopped telling it. This is yet another narrative that people like you need to stop telling. Because it's false and unhealthy. It's not how healing works for most people.
I will leave you with this quote from my post: If I had a dime for every time someone told me that last one, every time they said "that isn't God, this is God" and pointed in another direction, a way I've probably already been, I'd be rich. You can only be told so many times that the God that hurt you, the church that rejected you, is not the real God and the real people of God because eventually you realize that all gods are made in the image of men and all humans are human no matter how other they claim to be. You don't have a formula for why I walked away from your faith. From MY faith. You cannot justify to yourself some way that I am different, some way that I was broken that you are not, some way I got it wrong, in order to feel secure that you got it right.
Well said. I respect everyone's right to their own ceremonies and religious celebrations. I would never ask someone to remain silent on a day of religious celebration for them. But I'd like them to at least be aware of what it's like to be on the other side... just to be aware that people blithely making truth statements about god can sting for those of us who were abused by those "truths" and who were not allowed to celebrate and have that same joy as the rest of the church because we were broken, wrong, outcasts, or rejects. To be aware that their celebrations have always excluded and misused us, even when we tried to be joyful with them.
ReplyDeleteThat doesn't mean people have to be silent on my account. Life isn't fair, and I've no intention of imposing on anyone because of my personal misfortune with religion. But if I fall silent, if I withdraw from these sorts of things, it's because there is real pain associated with the celebrations of Christianity. It is not required or even expected, but some compassion and understanding would be nice.
Well said, Judy! True Christianity isn't represented accurately by abusers such as you and Darcy's parents exhibited, but true Christianity should be given a second chance - thank you speaking up for it! Also agree that by focusing on the scars, it actually robs us of the present and makes the abusers successful. If it was a bad thing, let it go and move on. So glad you were able to make that distinction and that you have given it a second chance. Moreover, that the scars no longer control you. Keep on!
ReplyDeleteThe problem is that "true christianity" is as varied as the people that claim it. There really is no "true christianity". It does not exist.
Delete"If I had a dime for every time someone told me that last one, every time they said "that isn't God, this is God" and pointed in another direction, a way I've probably already been, I'd be rich. You can only be told so many times that the God that hurt you, the church that rejected you, is not the real God and the real people of God because eventually you realize that all gods are made in the image of men and all humans are human no matter how other they claim to be." ~From this post, that I recommend you read so as to stop believing assumptions about people like me and spreading false narratives: http://darcysheartstirrings.blogspot.com/2015/01/on-being-apostate.html
Very well, call it a different version of Christianity, a better version. One that embodies everything you want it to be - loving, respectful, honest - and still merits giving a try.That kind of Christianity is reality, too. Your above post doesn't say anything like "hey y'all, check out this new research I found about Christianity and why it's not true....". Books? Authors? Websites? Your posts are concerned with abuse and mistreatment. Therefore, no one here has spread false narratives about you and no one is trying to discredit your choices. Judy's reply was an invite, a cordial one, offering you her own experience and choices and was not "dismissive" or "disrespectful" of your own choices. Take it or leave it, I didn't see any pushy language in her post. You in turn have dismissed what she was trying to say, and then accused me of spreading false narratives about you."Letting it go" is indeed what has given freedom to a lot of people, such as myself and is not meant to undermine the healing process, which is long and consuming at the beginning. At one point in healing, letting it go and disciplining your thoughts are valid and effective, even by those who have lifelong abuses. Don't invalidate that part of another persons experience. You are more concerned with what is "right" than what is true and in turn invalidate many other people in the same way that you hate being invalidated.
Delete"Very well, call it a different version of Christianity, a better version. One that embodies everything you want it to be - loving, respectful, honest - and still merits giving a try."
DeleteYou assume I haven't, and you assume wrongly. And I simply cannot force myself to believe anything that I cannot prove to be objectively true, no matter how badly I want to. That would require shutting off my mind, something I can no longer do.
"Your above post doesn't say anything like "hey y'all, check out this new research I found about Christianity and why it's not true....". Books? Authors? Websites?"
That is because my post is simply my story, not an expose on religion, not a persuasive research article. There are plenty of those and quite easy to find, if you are interested.
"Your posts are concerned with abuse and mistreatment. Therefore, no one here has spread false narratives about you and no one is trying to discredit your choices. Judy's reply was an invite, a cordial one, offering you her own experience and choices and was not "dismissive" or "disrespectful" of your own choices."
I too left a very cordial reply as I recognized the good intent by which she commented. Good intent, however, does not excuse dismissal and disrespect, even if it is unintentional. I have explained very well in many places why the assertions by you and Judy are all of those things to me and others like me. I will not repeat myself. You are certainly free to dismiss my reasons and disagree. But this is my blog and I will not simply allow such disrespect to go unchallenged if it is promoted by commentors such as yourself. I have never invalidated another's experience, only offered another perspective in the face of blanket statements that are not universal and should not be used as such.
Forgetting for a moment whether the ontological claims of Christianity are true or false, I often wonder if Christians are truly loving and caring why they feel the need to pressure people to go to church or have a right relationship with God. The reason I never felt safe at church is I always knew that if I changed in a certain way, I would no longer really be "one" of them; I would be the prodigal: if I were gay or trans, if I were an atheist, if I believed the Bible has errors, if I no longer believed in hell, if I cussed at God after a really tragic event, if I stopped going to church. Obviously, some Christians are okay with some of those on the list; maybe some Christians are okay with all those on the list. But sometimes its not worth being apart of a group of which 1 in a million people are actually interested in truly accepting us. Nobody wants to be a disappointment to the church members, and if we are a disappointment, then its not really us that needs to give Christianity a new try. Its Christians that need to first change.
DeleteIf Christians put all the effort that they spend trying to get people into the church into becoming more loving people, then maybe things could change.
Marlana, as long as you are looking to Christians to change, you will be disappointed. Human, Christian or otherwise, will always fail. Relationship with God, apart from Christians, is going to be your answer. To heck with what others think and whom you are accepted by. Asking Christians to change is as bad as Christians asking you to change. Same boat, all of you. Personal accountability and conscience before God are your answer.
DeleteWho said I am asking them to change? All I am saying is that going around blogs, telling people to get a right relationship with God or go back to church or give God a second chance or to go discover the real Christianity is exactly why many, many of my friends left church in the first place, and so people who are doing this are only reinforcing why we left. You have no idea whether I have a relationship with God or not, yet you are telling me to go have a relationship with God.
Delete"If Christians put all the effort that they spend trying to get people into the church into becoming more loving people, then maybe things could change." So in essence, yes, you are asking Christians to "change" by becoming more loving people. In other words, you want them to change from judging you. But if you're going to have a relationship with God, (note I said "if" - you don't have to want it!) then have a relationship with Him individually and then you won't care or be hurt by other Christians because it won't be about Christianity anyway. And I didn't say 'right relationship" because that's something you and God have to determine. If you choose to believe in at all God to begin with, of course. These are my words from my own experience and are therefore valid in my own life. They are not meant to offend you and of course you can disagree.
DeleteMy list was fictitious. I'm not an atheist. I'm not gay. I'm none of those things. I was merely stating that because people are judged for being those things, and because they are told all these various things like 'you need a relationship with God, and then the hurt will go away," the church has become an unsafe place for them. An unsafe place to cry, to be hurt. An unsafe place to be gay or to doubt God. An unsafe place to be different. An unsafe place to be brae. You can try to dismiss this under if one has a relationship with God, then hurtful things don't hurt, but I can't imagine how that excuses the church. I really am not asking the church to change, but I was stating that it could change in theory, and I am stating that minimally those things I mentioned would have to change in order for people to feel safe at church. I am sorry you can't understand that.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis should be made into a poster for every Christmas and Easter season, displayed in every church across the land:
ReplyDelete"When mentions of Easter and death and sin bring up flashbacks of abuse masked in religiosity, telling people "not all Churches" isn't going to help. Leaving your church pew in search of them, not to preach, but to sit and listen and just be, without ulterior motive or agenda....that would help far more. If you want to show "not all Christians" it will have to be with actions not words. It will have to be on other days too, not just this one. "He is risen" written all over Facebook and spoken from pulpits today can't erase the ugly that was said done all the previous weeks."
Thank you for graciously saying what needs to be said.