A Letter to My Friends

Hello, poor neglected little blog. :) A lot's been going on in my life lately that's made me completely neglect my writing here. The biggest: baby number 4 is on the way and making my life more miserable than I've ever experienced. I know that he/she will be worth it, but for now, puking, sleeping, and trying to take decent care of my other children is consuming all my time. Hopefully I'll get the urge to write something interesting one of these days. Until then, I thought I'd post this letter I recently sent out to all my friends and family on Facebook. Hopefully it will be an encouragement to you all and help you in your own journey toward authentic, genuine life. It was my biggest "coming out" moment yet. And so freeing!

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A Letter to My Friends

There is a lot of angst among my friends these days, in real life and the communites I frequent online. The problem: me, apparently. Many people have expressed concern about my spiritual walk. They seem to see me on a slippery slope to the hot place. (Or, if they're Reformed, a slipperly slope to skidding into heaven smelling like smoke. Wood, hay and stubble and all that. Like I might be the exception to the eternal security of believers. ;)) I hear the rumblings and rumors. "We don't know about that Darcy....she's flirting with apostacy or something." I hear words like "heresy" thrown around a lot. I'm getting a lot of "concerned" messages by people who think they understand enough to judge the state of my soul.

But let me be real here for a moment. Let me give you a glimpse into my heart and my journey. Then if you still wish to judge me, go right ahead. At least you'll be getting your information from the source and not rumors or fear of the unknown.

I am not throwing away my faith. Not gonna happen. As much as I've been angry at God, have questioned Him and questioned my beliefs, one thing remains: I know Him. He is the constant in my life of insecurites and chaos. I believe Jesus is the Word, the Logos, of God. I have many friends who have rejected Jesus or God or Christianity but that's their journey. It isn't mine so stop judging me based on your fear that that will be my journey as well. It is an unfounded fear.

I have been, in the last 10 years, completely turning every belief I was raised with up-side down and inside out. I have thrown out so many beliefs because let's be honest here. I was taught some crappy stuff as a kid and a teen. I believed a lot of stupidity back then. I take full responsibility for every wrong belief I held, and it's because I take full responsibility that I no longer hold most of those beliefs. This is not a personal thing against my parents, teachers, or friends that still hold many of those beliefs. It is just my personal journey of examining everything, throwing out the bad, and trying desparately to hold onto the good. Do not be offended if I throw out a belief that you are still holding onto.

Can you listen to my heart, my friends, for a moment? I've lost faith in church as we know it. I'm disillusioned with American Christianity. I value relationship over religion and religion has been ruining relationships for me. I walk into a church and come out feeling like something is very wrong. Conservative churches are too uptight, too rigid, too fear and shame-based. Modern churches are very fake. I don't do fake. But within these church structures are good people, awesome people, and I'm trying to figure out how to be in relationship with these people without conforming to the insitution of "church". Because that institution is killing my soul. The church was always meant to be an organic body of people who are defined and recognized by their love for others. Not a building where we go to "do church". Not a mission statement or a deacon board or a congregational meeting or budgets or programs or membership classes or the perfect worship team. I walk into most churches and I see a business. I am not satisfied with that. If you are, great. That's where you're at and I'm glad you're happy. Don't judge me because I'm not.

I now hold a lot of so-called "unorthodox" Christian beliefs. Yet they're not really that unorthodox. They're been around and held by fellow believers for centuries. I don't know what people are so afraid of. The three main beliefs I hold that get people's panties in a wad these days are Preterism, Egalitarianism, and Old Earth Creationism. I've held to Preterism for a good 12 years now. So don't act like it's some new kick I'm on. I no longer believe in male headship or hierarchal authority structure in God's economy. Men are women are completely equal in God's kingdom, in position and function. This riles a lot of peole but I don't get why. Why should it matter to you that I believe women are free to use the gifts God gave us? How does that threaten you enough to proclaim me on a slipperly slope to hell? Really? I'm no extreme feminist. I don't believe women are better than men. I believe in true equality. I believe that is what Jesus came to restore after mankind messed it up so badly. Does it really threaten you that my husband and I respect each other as equals? That neither of us seeks to be "over" the other? That we're teaching our kids not to conform to the confines that people want to place them under? That we use the Golden Rule and the "one-another" passages of the Bible under which to operate our relationship? If you want to have a "head" and a "submissive" in your relationship, that's your choice. We chose differently.

So I no longer believe the world is 6,000 years old. I interpret Genesis different than you, as have many of our fellow-believers for centuries. Only recently have christians decided this was an affront to the gospel. Only recently have Christians decided that one is saved by Jesus plus a belief in a young earth. I reject that. But if you reject my status as "true christian" because I think the world is millions of years old, that is not my problem. I will still love you. I will still desire relationship with you. Because I don't think it matters whether the earth is 6,000 or 6,000,000,000 years old. YOU, my friends, matter more to me than this.

There's a lot of people like me out there. We're the ones condemned by the church for questioning the status quo. We're the ones who seem lost, who often feel lost, because we can't reconcile what we've seen and experienced with cheap Christian "answer's" and cliches. Because our Christian friends are more concerned about their religion than our relationship. We are branded "rebels" and looked at as threats. The very worst thing you can do for us is to judge our hearts and dismiss our questions. To tell us we "just don't like what God has to say" and are just "rebelling against Him". If you want the questioning ones to run as far away from you as possible, go ahead and do these things. But if you want to restore our dwindling faith in Christianity and strengthen our faith in God, then come alongside us and just love. Trust that God will finish what He started and you don't have to be the Holy Spirit in our lives. He's got that covered. You can help, or you can hinder.

I don't pretend to know it all or have it all together. I will never pretend to be something I'm not. I think what matters more than these issues that people are using to reject me is love. You can know all doctrine and understand all mysteries, but if you have no love none of that matters. I would never question your salvation based on whether you believe women and men are equals or the earth is young or old. I would never reject your friendship or treat you like you're ignorant. All I ask is that you do the same for me.

You people know me. Many of you have known me for a very long time. You've watched me grow up and mature, get married, have kids, and walk my journey. Some of you have walked it with me. You know me well enough to know that every decision I make was carefully thought out and considered. You know I don't just wake up one day and decide to believe one thing or another. Give me the benefit of the doubt that I know where I'm going and what I believe and can defend those beliefs just as well as you can defend yours. Stop telling me I'm "throwing out scripture" or "cherry-picking" because that just shows your ignorance of me and your fear of what you don't understand. If you want to know why I believe what I believe, stop name-calling and judging and just ask me. If you are more concerned about my soul than your paradigm that is threatened by my beliefs, then you will care enough to ask me. But if you'd rather just judge my heart and condemn my soul, or walk away from relationship with me, that's your choice. I am sorry for you, but it's your choice.

I love you all. If you're reading this, it's because I've formed a relationship with you and respect you. I know that most of you care about me very much. So I want to tell you all once and for all.....don't worry about me. I am passionate about my relationship with Jesus, I will never stop pursuing truth, and I will fight for the relationships I have with the people I love. I will be gentle with you on your journey and love you for who you are. Can you do the same for me? If you're truly concerned for my soul, can you come to me and talk about it? Can we talk through these things without judging each other's walk? Can you be my friend instead of playing god in my life?
Under much grace,
~Darcy

"Who are you to judge another's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. Indeed, he will be made to stand, for God is able to make him stand." Rom. 14:4

"Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day." 2 Tim. 1:12

Confessions of a Free-Spirited Mom

I threw out my "biblical parenting" books a long time ago. When my first baby was born a high-needs child, I threw in the towel, at least in practice. I didn't care if that meant that my baby was manipulating me, going to be spoiled, or in control of our family. As long I got some sleep and was able to take a shower, and my baby was happy, that was all that mattered. Unfortunately, I didn't get rid of all the roots of such teachings, or the inner guilt that I was doing something wrong by not following them, until my second baby was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, when she was 2. The regret that I lived with knowing I had punished my precious daughter for behaviors she couldn't control, all in the name of "biblical parenting" was too much to bear. I now break all the rules that were ever laid down in those stupid books.

There's nothing wrong with child-centered parenting. Why did we ever believe there was? Parenting isn't about the parents, it's about the child. No parent should ever try to force their child to fit into a mold that someone else has designated for them. Children are just little people, and people are all so wildly, amazingly unique. God designed us that way. I think He likes diversity. And I think it took having 3 kids who are out-of-the-box kids to finally put the nail in the coffin of "biblical parenting" ideals. (Personally, I think that all kids would be "out-of-the-box" kids if their parents would just let them. But that's another topic. ;))

I've been "accused" of attachment parenting. (Really? What kind of an "accusation" is that? Is that all ya got?) The more experience I gain at this mothering thing, the more my style of parenting is becoming more natural, more AP-like, if you want to put a label on it. It just fits me and my children. We are more at peace with each other and I'm not trying so hard to fit a style of parenting that causes strife and unhappiness in my family. Contrary to popular conservative belief, co-sleeping didn't ruin my kids' sleep patterns for life, breastfeeding on demand and child-led weaning didn't lessen my "authority" (whatever that means), and baby-wearing didn't make my kids turn into demanding brats. Responding to my child's cries, every time, didn't make them "in control" of me. Instead, it made my kids secure in the knowledge that I loved them, was FOR them, and would take care of their needs. Pretty much every terrible thing that those parenting books said would happen if I didn't follow them, never happened. My babies weren't taught to unnaturally sit still on a blanket so I could get stuff done. Instead, I wore them, or let them get in my way, under my feet, often having to stop what I was doing to chase them around. So what? Having kids is inconvenient. You get used to it.

You should see my home now. It's a mess. Always. Even after I work all day to clean it, it never stays that way. I let my girls draw hop-scotch numbers in the squares on the kitchen floor. I talk to and reason with my 4-yr-old when she doesn't want to do what I ask. When she asks me "why", I tell her why. I have never said "because I say so". That's a stupid cop-out and insulting to the intellegence of a child. I have said, "obey me now, and I will explain it to you afterwards". Sometimes I don't even punish them for disobedience, but instead let natural consequences take their course (as long as it won't kill them) and have a good lesson/talk afterwards. I try to teach them that choices have consequences, so make good choices. I don't punish them for telling me what they think or how they feel. Instead, I try to show them the polite and appropriate way to express those things. (Ex: screaming "No, I don't want to!!" when told to do something isn't appropriate. Quietly telling me afterwards that you didn't want to or didn't like it is fine. I don't expect you to like everything I tell you to do.) I don't feel guilty in the least for not spanking or punishing my kids when others think I should. Or letting them get away with things that others think I shouldn't. I am my children's mother, not anyone else. I will choose which battles to fight and which ones aren't worth it. I feel no need to constantly prove to my kids that I am their "authority" and they are mere children.

I wrote this before, and I think it bears repeating:

Guess what? The Bible never prescribes a parenting method. It just doesn't. So anyone that claims to know "The Biblical Parenting Method"(TM) is full of it. Parenting is a very personal, very individual thing that the Bible really doesn't talk much about. It is multi-faceted and complex and even changes from child to child within the same family. The only principles of parenting that the apostles ever addressed was summed up in two sentences: "Do not discourage and provoke your children to wrath" and "raise them up in the nurture and instruction of the Lord". That's it, folks. He didn't lay out 10 steps of how to do those two things....I think he left that up to us, to use discernment and wisdom and love and knowledge of our children to figure out the best way to "raise them up" and nurture them.

I also think that everything we need to know about parenting, we can get from looking at how God "parents" us. And from following the "one-another" scriptures in regards to our kids. They are people too, after all, and I fail to see how "be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other" doesn't also apply to how we interact with our children. There are no Bible laws that say your kid must obey immediately every single time with a smile on their face. Do you obey God that way every time He asks you to? And isn't God still good and merciful when we complain and stomp our feet? How many times has God extended mercy to you when you didn't obey Him instantly and cheerfully? I'd venture to say more times then most people extend mercy to their own children. So why in the world do we think we should expect more of an immature child then we are able to do ourselves??? If God is loving and gentle and merciful and abounding in loving kindness and patience toward us, how can we not extend that to our children? Don't judge another parent because they are doing things differently than you. Until you have to raise their unique children, you don't know their story and you have no right to tell them they're doing it wrong. And do not feel guilty if others seem to condemn you for your parenting choices. If you are confident that you're doing the best you can to love and raise your kids in the way that THEY need you to, forget others' condemnation. They are not the score-card on your parenting.

This parenting thing is messy.....messy, beautiful, fun, exhasting, nerve-wracking, unpredictable, exciting, fulfilling, wonderful, scary, and so blessed. Don't try to make it something it's not (i.e., perfect and convenient). Don't force yourself to live up to others' standards. This isn't about them. It's about you and your precious children.

I laugh about the whole thing now....now that I feel like I finally know what I'm doing (most of the time...except when I don't), now that I'm not at odds with my kids all the time, now that I'm true to myself and in tune with my kids, now that grace is my default setting, now that I'm not out to prove I'm the boss to my children, now that I'm not out to impress people with perfectly behaved kids, now that I don't care what people think about me or my parenting. It's so freeing.

A funny thing happened when I let go of unrealistic expectations for my kids: I let go of unrealistic expectations for myself. And that has made all the difference in the world.



My out-of-the-box kiddos

"Prepare Ye the Way of The Lord"

"We have to prepare our hearts so Christ will come and make them His home."

"We have to make our selves ready for the Lord to come in."

"How can God live in us if we don't first clean out the impurities in our hearts and lives?"

Do these statements sound familiar to you? I've heard them, or statements like them, my whole life.

This morning, I was asked to read a couple of paragraphs at church for the second Sunday of Advent. It was about the voice crying in the wilderness "Prepare ye the way of the Lord!" It then went on to explain how we can do this in our own lives today (yay for Christians taking verses that have nothing to do with us and trying to apply them to us). It was all about cleaning and sweeping, levelling mountains and filling valleys and making our hearts ready to receive Jesus. I hadn't previewed it before I read it, and I kept wanting to stop and say "But......". (Don't worry, I refrained. Barely. ;))

So I've saved my "but" for my blog. :)

Do we really need to "prepare our hearts" before Jesus will enter them? Is this consistent with Scripture? Do we have to have everything in order for the Lord to come and commune with us?

I don't think so.

The God I know died for us while we were still sinners. The Jesus I worship comes to me and comes through for me when I'm still a mess. The Jesus I love comes charging through the crap of my life to find and save my heart. The Jesus I know came into a world that was completely UNprepared for Him, and was born in a barn. The God I serve died on a filthy cross, asking forgiveness for a crowd of people who spit on Him, tortured Him, and laughed at His pain. I love Him because He first loved me.

"For when we were still without strength, in due time, Christ died for the ungodly. For God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."

Isn't it amazing how much the simple gospel of redemption and sanctification in Christ alone has been taken over by a performance gospel? Even in a non-conservative church like mine.

Oswald Chambers said this:

"If we simply preach the effects of redemption in the human life instead of the revealed, divine truth regarding Jesus Himself, the result is not new birth in those who listen. The result is a refined religious lifestyle, and the Spirit of God cannot witness to it because such preaching is in a realm other than His."

Any time you try to put the effects of redemption before the Person of redemption, you get a perfromance-based gospel. The same goes for sanctification. The result? Legalism and shame. Because no matter what you do, you will never be good enough. Thus the endless, discouraging cycle of trying harder and failing.

My friends, you cannot clean your heart enough to make it "holy enough" for God. You cannot make yourself more acceptable to Him, make Him like you more, for you are already accepted because of Him. God doesn't wait until our hearts are "right with Him" before He comes and communes with us. Else He would never come. He saves us where we're at. He continues to sanctify us, not on our own merit, but because of His grace. His kindness draws us, his grace overwhelms us, His love covers us, until we are the people He always meant for us to be. No amount of "preparing our hearts" can ever, ever do the same.

"But God's mercy is so abundant, and his love for us is so great, that while we were spiritually dead in our disobedience he brought us to life with Christ. It is by God's grace that you have been saved. In our union with Christ Jesus he raised us up with him to rule with him in the heavenly world. He did this to demonstrate for all time to come the extraordinary greatness of his grace in the love he showed us in Christ Jesus. For it is by God's grace that you have been saved through faith. It is not the result of your own efforts, but God's gift, so that no one can boast about it." ~Eph. 2:4-9 GNT

Not So Clearly

There's something really bugging me about theological conversations with people who think they're got it all figured out. (Besides the fact that they think they have it all figured out....). I keep hearing the phrase "The Bible clearly says...", which is used to completely stomp out the opposition. Or just make them look stupid.

I am here to tell you that the Bible doesn't "clearly say" what everyone seems to think it does. There's not much in the Bible that's really very "clear" at all. The more I read and study, the less I feel I know, and the muddier it all gets. Think about it: we're talking about a book that's comprised of hundreds of documents, stories, instructions, poems, prophecies, and history, written by dozens of different men, over a period of thousands of years, in several different languages, to cultures that were very different than our own, and translated into hundreds of languages. How is that "clear and simple"??? Answer: it's not. It makes for very complicated study and interpretation.

It just kills me when someone quotes a scripture out of an English Bible and says "see? it's really very clear and simple". And it really gets to me when people downplay looking up the scriptures in their original language and say "well, it gets rather confusing when you do that. I just read it for what it says." *face palm* Clearly they don't understand the process of how that scripture went from God's mouth to our hands. How in the world is a translation from the original language more "clear and accurate" than the original launguage?!

I believe that God has preserved His written will and heart. But I don't think that much of the church's interpretations of that written will are very accurate. Nor do I think that they have been arrived at by the best methods. I also don't believe that just reading an English Bible is the best way to discover what God really thinks. That written will itself says to "be diligent to.....accurately divide the Word of Truth". If it were really as "clear and simple" as people seem to think, why would it take diligence and hard work to "rightly divide" what God has said?

I am not afraid to admit that the Bible is one complicated book. I don't think this makes God less personal or less powerful. It certainly ups my determination to study and seek after the Truth, knowing that it is there and it is important. I'm also not afraid to question everything I've ever been taught and to discuss it with others. But I seem to be running into two kinds of Christians. The first kind is so confident in their knowledge of "what the Bible clearly says" that they cannot see any other point of view enough to even dialoge about it. They just throw scriptures at you, thinking that that should settle it. This frustrates me to no end. The other kind of Christian seems almost afraid of digging deeper and re-examining scripture. Like they're scared of being wrong or "deceived" or finding out that what they've always been taught isn't God's clear truth after all. So they resort to judging motives ("you just don't like authority, you're a feminist, etc") and stating "Well, the Bible clearly states...and if you can't see it then I can't help you." End of discussion.

Maybe it's because I've been through two major religious paradigm shifts in my life, or maybe it's just my personality, but finding out I was wrong doesn't scare or intimidate me in the least. Why should it? I want to know what God thinks and if what I've been believing isn't it then I'm more than happy to leave it behind. Just, please, don't call me names and don't judge my heart just because you're too afraid of being wrong and too confident in your own knowledge to even consider that you might be.

So far the only "clear" things I see in the Bible are this: God loves us, we blew it, Jesus lived, died, and lives again to redeem us, and the Christian life is all about loving God and loving people. Everything else is a little foggy but I'm OK with that. I'm determined to ask, seek, and knock, and never stop until I'm dead. God's not going to strike me with lightning and send me to hell because I'm wrong about womens roles, church authority, dress codes, eschatology, or kosher eating. He's not threatened by my questioning. If that's the kind of god you serve, then I'm not the one with problems.

Don't freak out on me; I'm not promoting reletivism. I do believe in absolute truth. I'm just not sure that we're meant to find it in this life. Maybe it's supposed to be a journey, a process, a walking-with-God thing. For now, I'm confident in my unconfidence of my own knowledge and if I never get to the bottom of the egalitarian v. complementarian debate, I'm totally fine with that. Meanwhile, I'm lovin' on my husband, my kids, and everyone else who comes across my path; I'm walking with God and enjoying the journey. I figure that's what really matters anyway.

Blessed are the Poor in Spirit

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Mt. 5:3


Our pastor preached on this verse today. A messege that went straight to my heart. For the first time, I see this poverty in spirit, this searching and spiritual destitution I've been suffering from in a new light. For I am, and have been for a while now, poor in spirit. Jesus said I am blessed because of that.

What does it mean to be "poor in spirit"? The word "poor" is transliterated "ptochos" from the Greek. It is used 34 times in the NT. Here is the definition from Strong's: "reduced to beggary, begging, asking alms, destitute of wealth, influence, position, honor; lowly, afflicted, destitute of the Christian virtues,; helpless, powerless to accomplish an end; poor, needy; lacking in anything; as respects their spirit; destitute of wealth of learning and intellectual culture which the schools afford."

Destitute, impoverished in our spirit, powerless to accomplish an end, lacking....how many of us desire this as the state of our hearts? Or would think it a blessing? Why, why did Jesus say "blessed", happy, fully satisfied, is the one who's spirit is impoverished? It doesn't make sense. It's upside-down of what we would think. It seems to me that the ones who are blessed are the strong in spirit, the people who have unwavering faith, who never question why God does something or if He even exists. You know the folks I'm talking about. They are the ones that everyone looks up to, that everyone wishes they could be like. But Jesus didn't say "blessed are the strong in spirit". He said "blessed are the poor in spirit".

I've been fighting this spiritual destitution. This questioning and railing at God for things I don't understand. I hate not feeling joy or peace. I hate wondering if God even cares about me. If I can trust Him. I am hanging on, or rather, He is hanging on to me, by a thread it seems sometimes. I certainly have no spiritual riches to give to anyone. I cannot even pull myself out of this spiritual hole I have fallen into. How can this be a blessing? What was Jesus thinking?

Perhaps it is a little like being physically poor. You have very little to give away, yet you share what you have with others who need it. You never take anything for granted. Every gift, every bonus, every act of kindness means the world to you. You are forced to admit that you have nothing and need everything. You must rely on the kindness of others and not only on your own strength. You are compassionate because you understand what it means to be needy. You are humble because you have nothing to brag about. You easily admit that every good and perfect gift comes from God, because there is nowhere else it could come from.

These are the same reasons why being poor in spirit is a blessing. I can freely admit that I need help in my spiritual walk. I can have compassion on others who are spiritually destitute because I know their pain. When life tells me differently, when all hell breaks loose in my heart, I throw myself on Jesus, knowing that I am powerless to save myself. My faith is not enough. My good deeds are not enough. I doubt Him, get angry at Him, wonder if He loves me, and I admit I need Him. And I need others. And they need me. Because, even when you are poor, there is always something to share. Even if it's just a sholder to cry on and a heart of compassion.

I am blessed. Though my spirit is poor, the riches of the Kingdom of heaven belong to such as I.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs in the kingdom of heaven.