"It's a really great opportunity. I've never really been anywhere else, I hear Colorado is gorgeous, and it's only for the summer. Besides, I need a job." Sky was talking, but the words were hitting a hollow place in my head. I just couldn't process them. I thought I was choking...there suddenly was no air in the room.
I realized he'd stopped and was waiting for me to say something. "Um...well...that's great." I said flatly. "When are you leaving?"
"Next week, I think," came the reply.
Now I really couldn't breath. What was wrong with me?? Why did I suddenly feel like I was falling into a large, black hole? Others came into the room and they all started talking about Sky's decision to move to Colorado. In relief I sat in the nearest chair while the room chattered and spun around me. My heart felt empty and I didn't know why. I wasn't sure I wanted to.
I went about the next week with a heavy heart, though I tried to pretend nothing was wrong. We had a going-away party for Sky that Sunday. From the pages of my journal:
"I hate going away parties! Especially when the one who's leaving is one of my best friends. I really hate to admit this, but the thought of spending all summer without Sky isn't a very pleasant prospect. I didn't think I'd miss him this much. There! I wrote down what I hope no one ever finds out! Why I hope this, I'm not sure, except that it's kind of embarrassing to admit, even to myself, that maybe I've broken my track record by liking one guy a little more than all the others."
As we were leaving, the weight on my heart got heavier. One by one, my family members hugged Sky and wished him well. Not knowing what to do, I started to get into the car. He opened his arms and said "Don't I get a hug from Darcy?"
I gulped, gave him a quick hug, and jumped cheeks aflame into the car. He took off towards the house with a silly grin on his face, forgetting he was supposed to be feeding the horses.
I cried a lot that week. I snapped at my younger siblings more than usual. I was confused and sad and I didn't know why. I so desparately wanted someone to talk to but was too ashamed. I was afraid, so afraid, to look into my heart and see what was causing this upturning of emotions. This... this....whatever it was was disrupting my in-control, comfortable, perfectly-planned-out life and it made me angry and unsettled.
A few nights later, Meadow and I were out on the porch, gazing at the stars. She asked me what was wrong.
I tried to ask surprised. "Wrong? Why, nothing."
She glared at me.
"Well, OK, I guess I'm just a little depressed." I hoped that would settle it for her.
She kept glaring at me.
"Oh, I don't know!...it's just so...so...embarassing...and I wish....Oh, I don't know!!" I wailed.
She then burst out laughing.
I bristled "This isn't funny, Meadow! You have no idea what a terrible couple of days I've had!"
She just kept laughing.
I threw my hands up and wailed "I'm so depressed and I'm mad at myself for being depressed, and I'm so confused I don't even know my own mind and how did this happen??!!"
She smiled at me, grabbed my hands and said "He'll come back."
And I burst out crying.