A Love Story, Part 6

Another long winter rolled around. I turned 18 that January and was trying to finish school so I could graduate in the spring. Sky and I continued to be friends, our relationship budding without either of us saying a word about what was in our hearts. But some things can only be hidden for so long.

My parents left to go visit family in the Seattle area. I was supposed to stay behind and keep the animals fed and the house warm, then travel with friends to meet them later. Forest stayed with me at our house so I wouldn't be alone. I was weary and needed time away from my family to collect my thoughts and pray about what my next step would be. I wrote in my journal:

"I've decided, by the Lord's prompting, to tell my parents exactly how I feel about Sky. I feel like a total hypocrite and I'm tired of living a lie. Things have been getting pretty testy around here lately and Sky's been getting the brunt of it [because of his obvious attraction to me]. By me not speaking up, I've not been fair to him or to our parents and I can't stand it any longer. I have to say I'm deathly afraid of doing this. I'm afraid of my parents anger, afraid they won't understand, afraid they won't approve and may try to separate us...afraid of...I don't even know what. But I know that this is not faith and it's not trust. God's will WILL be accomplished in my and Sky's lives no matter what. I just need to remember that."

One night, Sky came over and we made dinner and watched a movie together. We were sitting around, gabbing and enjoying the evening, when an uncomfortable silence settled over us all. Sky cleared his throat. "There's something I need to tell you...something we really need to talk about before I explode."

My heart felt like it would beat out of my chest. Forest suddenly disappeared.

"We can't go on like this anymore," he started. "We can't keep pretending we're just friends. I'm in love with you. I have been for a while now and I know you love me too."

I started to say something and he nervously held up his hand. "Wait...just let me get this out."

And as he spoke, the tears started flowing. Tears that had been held back far too long.

He told me that when he met me, I was like no girl he had ever known. He often prayed that God would give him a wife just like me. It took him a while to realize his prayers had changed to "Lord, let her be my wife." But he'd fallen for girls before only to have it blow up in his face. He so badly wanted to know that these feelings were not just in his own heart, but put there by God Himself. He begged God to take away the feelings so he could have clarity to follow God's plan for his life. He even went to Colorado to get away from his feelings and me so he could think straight. It didn't work. His love for me only grew while we were apart. He said it felt like part of his heart was missing. He thought it was an impossible dream...that I, a talented, educated city girl, could never fall for a backwoods country boy like him. He was sure my parents would never approve of him marrying their daughter. Finally, after wrestling with himself for months, he attended a retreat for our youth group (of course, I wasn't there..wasn't allowed to go). He went for a walk around the lake to be by himself and talk with God. As he cried out to God, he heard a voice, almost audible, and the words "Child, don't fight this. This love you feel for Darcy is from Me. Trust Me, and let me guide your paths." Sound familiar? Then, right in front of him, a bald eagle swooped down and caught a fish out of the mountain lake. His favorite verse, and mine, came to him: "They that wait upon the Lord, shall renew their strength; they shall mount up on wings as eagles; they shall run and not grow weary, they shall walk and not faint."

I got goosebumps listening to his story...so very much like my own struggles and affirmation from God. I shared with him these things, including the dream I had, and he was amazed. We were both amazed. Never had I felt with such assurance that God loved me enough to show Himself to me with such power and clarity.

But we were afraid, especially me. I knew what my parents expected of me and this wasn't it. They had often said how they wanted me to marry someone musically talented like I was, who made good money and had the same standards as we did. Not to mention that I was going against all the rules of a proper courtship. But Sky was determined to honor my father and do this his way. I wanted that, too, but was afraid of how they would react. Sky reminded me of our verse. "They shall run and not grow weary; they shall walk and not faint." That's what God was asking of us...to walk the path He had clearly set before us, without growing weary, and let Him work out the details.

We prayed together, each of us pouring our hearts out to a God we knew loved us, asking Him to direct our paths and renew our strength. I felt so completely enveloped by God's love and peace. We knew God made us for each other and He was the One writing our story. If God be for us.....

As Sky left that night, our hearts were lighter than they had been in a year. That was the first time Sky said "I love you" and my heart soared.

Part 7

A Love Story, Part 5

That was a long and confusing spring. As I look back over the pages of my journal, I can see the conflict in my heart:

"I tried, but I couldn't quite banish the lonely feeling that's seemed to hang on me all week. Oh, how I wish life could be what it was before any of this foolishness creeped in!"

"[when Sky gets back] I pray to God that he won't notice a difference in my attitude towards him. I would almost rather die than for him to suspect what's in my heart. The Lord has definitely been helping me to lean on Him during this time. I'm not mad at myself anymore, just wondering why it would take something like this for me to learn to 'lean not on my own understanding'".

"Sometimes I miss him so much that a dull ache seems to settle on my heart that just won't go away. I just don't feel like myself. It's not that I'm not cheerful or joyful; it's just that, behind my cheerfulness seems to be this sadness that I can push out of the way but can't quite get rid of. I just wish...I could go back to being myself again. And yet, something tells me that it won't ever be the same again. Growing up is so confusing."

You see, I just knew that I had let my guard down and dishonored God and my parents by falling in love. I wanted it to go away, and everything to go back to how it was. Life was getting too complicated for my 17-yr-old heart to handle.

I didn't need to worry about missing Sky that spring. It seemed he came up with an excuse to drive the 1600 miles home about every 6 weeks or so. Which made everything even more confusing. I loved seeing him, and hated myself for loving it. Part of me wanted him to stay away and part of me couldn't bear the thought.

Meanwhile, I was enjoying life. I had other friends and we were busy just surviving. There was a bit of competition starting between Sky and his best friend, Jesse, and it amused me. I'd never been fought over before. I admit it was flattering. I laugh as I read these words from a journal entry:

"[while hiking with a group of friends during one of Sky's visits] I seemed to aquire a whole bunch of wildflowers that I didn't pick. I think Sky was making up for Sunday when Jesse gave me a whole bouquet of tulips. Boys are soooooo strange! I wonder if it ever crosses their minds that we girls know exactly what they're doing and why?"

Sky finally got a phone so we were able to talk to each other every weekend. I'm still surprised my parents let me, but I think they were afraid to make a big deal about it. We were good friends, so there was nothing unsual about wanting to talk on the phone. We managed to say a lot without saying anything.

Around June of that year, I came to a place where I couldn't take it any more. I was so tired of fighting what I thought was my flesh; tired of thinking I was displeasing God by my attraction to Sky. One day, home alone, I sat on my bed and cried out for God to take away my love for Sky. I begged Him, over and over, please, God, take it away. As I cried, tears falling on my bed, I felt God's presence wash over me. Then, with a voice so clear it startled me, I heard Him say "Child, do not fight Me. This love you feel in your heart is not of your own doing...it is from Me. I have a plan for you, and you must stop fighting against it. To fight this love, is to fight Me. Rest, and let Me guide your life." Instantly peace flooded my soul, and the striving ceased. I suddenly stopped floundering and felt solid ground under my feet for the first time in months. Yet I was afraid I was only hearing what I wanted to hear, so I asked Him again. Again, He gave me the same answer.

He then brought to mind a dream I had had several times when I was about 14. In my dream, I was at my wedding rehersal. Surrounded by my brothers and sisters, cousins, aunts and uncles, we were practicing for my wedding. When I walked up the aisle, I looked up into the face of my groom. I saw a man I had never met before, and his face was seared into my memory just before I woke up. It was in that moment of recalling my dream, that goose-bumps suddenly covered my entire body. The face in my dream had the bluest eyes I had ever seen. That face belonged to Sky.

I had no idea where to go from there, I only knew I was in God's will and that was enough for me. I was scared about what my parents would say, scared of what this would mean for the next few months of my life, scared of territory I knew nothing about. But this I did know: if God was for me, who could be against me? A verse that had always been my favorite suddenly popped into my head: "They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they run and not grow weary, they shall walk and not faint."

I've often believed, looking back, that God made His answer to me so sure and certain because I would need it so desparately in the battle to come.

Part 6

A Love Story, Part 4

I stood there, blinking in dismay. Did he really just say what I thought he said? No, I must've heard wrong. But he was still talking.

"It's a really great opportunity. I've never really been anywhere else, I hear Colorado is gorgeous, and it's only for the summer. Besides, I need a job." Sky was talking, but the words were hitting a hollow place in my head. I just couldn't process them. I thought I was choking...there suddenly was no air in the room.

I realized he'd stopped and was waiting for me to say something. "Um...well...that's great." I said flatly. "When are you leaving?"

"Next week, I think," came the reply.

Now I really couldn't breath. What was wrong with me?? Why did I suddenly feel like I was falling into a large, black hole? Others came into the room and they all started talking about Sky's decision to move to Colorado. In relief I sat in the nearest chair while the room chattered and spun around me. My heart felt empty and I didn't know why. I wasn't sure I wanted to.

I went about the next week with a heavy heart, though I tried to pretend nothing was wrong. We had a going-away party for Sky that Sunday. From the pages of my journal:

"I hate going away parties! Especially when the one who's leaving is one of my best friends. I really hate to admit this, but the thought of spending all summer without Sky isn't a very pleasant prospect. I didn't think I'd miss him this much. There! I wrote down what I hope no one ever finds out! Why I hope this, I'm not sure, except that it's kind of embarrassing to admit, even to myself, that maybe I've broken my track record by liking one guy a little more than all the others."

As we were leaving, the weight on my heart got heavier. One by one, my family members hugged Sky and wished him well. Not knowing what to do, I started to get into the car. He opened his arms and said "Don't I get a hug from Darcy?"

I gulped, gave him a quick hug, and jumped cheeks aflame into the car. He took off towards the house with a silly grin on his face, forgetting he was supposed to be feeding the horses.

I cried a lot that week. I snapped at my younger siblings more than usual. I was confused and sad and I didn't know why. I so desparately wanted someone to talk to but was too ashamed. I was afraid, so afraid, to look into my heart and see what was causing this upturning of emotions. This... this....whatever it was was disrupting my in-control, comfortable, perfectly-planned-out life and it made me angry and unsettled.

A few nights later, Meadow and I were out on the porch, gazing at the stars. She asked me what was wrong.

I tried to ask surprised. "Wrong? Why, nothing."

She glared at me.

"Well, OK, I guess I'm just a little depressed." I hoped that would settle it for her.

She kept glaring at me.

"Oh, I don't know!...it's just so...so...embarassing...and I wish....Oh, I don't know!!" I wailed.

She then burst out laughing.

I bristled "This isn't funny, Meadow! You have no idea what a terrible couple of days I've had!"

She just kept laughing.

I threw my hands up and wailed "I'm so depressed and I'm mad at myself for being depressed, and I'm so confused I don't even know my own mind and how did this happen??!!"

She smiled at me, grabbed my hands and said "He'll come back."

And I burst out crying.

Part 5

A Love Story, Part 3

Summer and Fall of '00 passed in a blur of hard work, fun times, and new experiences. I never thought living in the boonies could be so much fun! We learned how to harvest morrells, pick huckleberries, wildcraft herbs, hunt and fish. Thanks to Sky and Meadow, I could skin and gut a deer, change a tire, and travel from one town to the next without ever touching pavement. We spent many a hot summer Sunday at Horseshoe Lake with Sky's family and other friends, swimming, hiking, waterfall-climbing, and roasting marshmallows around the campfire.

There was a whole group of friends now that I did everything with. We were all homeschoolers and all involved in our youth group. I was the only one not allowed to go on mission trips, leadership camp, or any other activity which took the group away from home. Even though Pastor Dan and his wife were big courtship-advocating homeschool parents, my parents said that I couldn't go because that would take me out from under the "umbrella" of their authority. Though I think the real reason was because they were watching me bloom and watching the boys in church take notice. Being the oldest, having a teenage daughter was new to them and I don't think they quite knew how to handle it. I was always upset that they didn't trust me. I'd never had a crush on a guy, wasn't flirty, had very high standards, and was too absorbed in my music and school to care much. I had a perfect "good girl" track-record but they didn't think it was good enough.

Winter came again, and with it my 17th birthday. We were finially in our house. Though it was very unfinished, at least it was big enough for us, warm, and dry. We were attending a home-group weekly Bible study at the S's house (Sky's folks) that winter. I was pleasantly surprised to get there the night of my birthday and find a cake and presents.

After the party, Sky quietly handed me a little box. "Happy Birthday," he said, blushing slightly.

I opened it to find a small, nickel pendent with a red heart in the middle, and the words "Jesus Loves You" around the heart. My heart lept strangely at the sight and I managed a smile and a "thank you". Because I was pretty sure that accepting gifts from young men was taboo, I didn't show it to my parents. But you can bet I wore it under my clothes all the time. I still told myself he was just a friend, a very good friend, and that I wasn't falling for him because I was waiting for "The One" who would be sanctioned by my dad and show up in my life when I was ready to get married at around age 25. We would then proceed with a courtship under the authority of my parents, get engaged, then marry. "Falling in love" was against the rules. Especially at 17.

But I did enjoy his company and his friendship. We'd talk for hours about anything and everything. We'd all go for horseback rides through the woods, laughing like we hadn't a care in the world. I knew he was falling for me, but it was such a new sensation to be admired like that that I didn't know quite what to think about it. I knew my parents would've freaked out if they'd suspected and that was to be avoided at all costs. I still think that the only reason my parents didn't notice the growing attraction is because I did such a good job pretending that nothing was happening. I was very good at giving off an "I could care less" air. And I believe I really was trying not to like him. I'd read the courtship books, I knew what was and what was not supposed to happen. I honestly believed that "guarding my heart" by purposefully not noticing a guy's attraction was honoring to God. And that "liking" someone was not. "Emotional purity" was such a popular catch-phrase that I was terribly afraid of the spiritual consequences I would suffer if I allowed myself to fall for someone. Besides, "the heart is deceitful" and I couldn't trust mine with something as important as the person I would marry. I couldn't even imagine the fal-out that would hit me if I ever told my parents I was in love with someone. So pretending, ignoring my heart, and lying to myself and everyone else was just easier.

Until the day my happy little world shifted.

Part 4

A Love Story, Part 2

It was finally spring. I breathed in deeply, taking in the scents of budding leaves, wet ground, and lingering snowdrifts. Walking down the dirt road, my thoughts wandered back over the long winter.

Around Christmas, my parents realized they were in over their head. The snow just kept coming and our house still didn't have a roof over it. Our trailer looked like a snow cave...we actually had to dig our way up out of the drifts to get out the door. It was all we could do to keep warm at night by leaving the little oven open. We'd still wake up with our pillows frozen to the thin walls. Finally, another ATI family who had a huge house, kindly offered to take us in for the remainder of the winter. We were so amazed. Here we were, a family of 8, and they hardly knew us. But we were to discover that in rural places, kindness and generosity were the rules folks lived by regardless of religious affiliation. They were necessary to survival.

I discovered that Sky was the brother of two girls who had befriended me at church. His older sister, Meadow, was sunny and friendly. Forest, his younger sister, was creative and loved having fun. We became good friends that winter. Their family (also homeschoolers though like no homeschoolers I'd ever met!) lived in an old cabin on the mountain with no power or running water. They had lived that way for 20 years! It was my first experience with "off the grid" people. And they didn't live like that because of any religious reason...they just wanted to. We spent many cozy nights at their house, playing games at a table lit by lantern light, and talking about the Lord. They were fairly new Christians and had never even heard of Bill Gothard. We were as different as we could be. Yet our families hit it off from the start. We spent Christmas at their house and joyfully sledded our way into the year 2000 together (the year the world didn't end).

I started going to the mid-week youth Bible studies that winter, always with one of my parents accompanying me. At our old church, we didn't have a youth group. They were considered products of "denominationalism" and therefor unBiblical. Besides, the sad truth of the matter is that by the time most of the kids got to be in their teens, they usually wanted nothing to do with church or God. They paid lip service to their parents until they were old enough to leave home and go their own way. I didn't even really have friends my own age at that church. I wasn't very popular with the friends I did have from our homeschool group and ATI either. I just didn't fit in and always felt awkward and different around them. I learned that no one really wanted to know what I thought so I kept my mouth shut. So imagine my delight when I started attending the youth ministry at our new church and suddenly became the most popular girl in youth group. It was there that I found my voice. For the first time in my life, I was invited to speak my mind. We dug into the scriptures in ways I never had before. I was allowed to disagree and debate and to consider doctrines that were always called "heresy" in our old church. And I had never, ever discussed scripture and spiritual things with a group of people my own age who were just as eager to learn as I was. I couldn't get enough of it.

And so passed the winter we thought would never end. It was May of '00, and we were back up on our property now, living in two trailers. I shared the trailer we affectionately called "the peanut trailer" with my brother, Jake. I think we both needed the space from everyone else. Sky and his dad, John, came over often to help us finish our house. Sometimes Meadow and Forest would come too and we'd all gather around the campfire after it got too dark to work. Those were the nights that will forever stick in my memory. They were so full of joy and laughter and friendship. Dinner was cooked in a dutch-oven and eaten under the stars in paper bowls. Our little clearing in the woods became a gathering place for all our new-found friends. I had never felt so accepted in my life. These people didn't care about what I did, what I believed, or which "standards" I lived my life under. They just loved me for who I was.

It was the year of grace and new beginnings. It was also the year I started to leave my girlhood behind. For the next few years would require the strength, endurance, faith, and heart of a woman. If I had known then........but I believe it was God's grace that I didn't know what life was about to bring me.

Part 3

A Love Story...Part 1

My parents were officially crazy. I mean, I always suspected it, but now I knew. Here I was, in a tiny trailer in the middle of nowhere, trying to cook for a bunch of men. We had no electricity, no running water, and the table that doubled as my bed was really too small for my culinary needs. As the oldest child in my family, I did most of the cooking. Not because I had to, but because I actually enjoyed it. And I was really good at it, if I do say so myself. I even enjoyed the challenge of making meals out of nothing and cooking over camp-stoves and open fire pits.

But this particular day, as I gazed out the tiny, fogged up window at the snow pouring down around us, the craziness of our situation was evident. My mom and sisters had gone to town for supplies, leaving me to cook lunch for the men who were helping Dad build our cabin. As I piled cookies on a plate to take out to the freezing guys, I looked forward to seeing Jesse, the young man my age who was helping Dad. He was fun to tease and blushed every time I spoke to him. He was also the first real friend I'd made since moving to this God-forsaken mountain. At the tender age of 16, I'd never been interested in guys and didn't plan to start now. After all, I was a good student of I Kissed Dating Goodbye and committed to my parent's plan for courtship. It was just nice to have a friend since I'd left all mine behind in Seattle.

Pulling on a heavy coat and boots, tying a scarf over my braided hair, I trudged through the deep drifts toward the building site. Arriving in a huff, I yelled up to Jesse to give me a hand. A hand reached down and grabbed the coffee, then reached down again to help me up.

Laughing, I started to say some snide remark when I suddenly looked up into the bluest eyes I had ever seen. It took me a minute to realize that I was staring into a very handsome face who was staring right back at me, amusement in his eyes. I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out. I was suddenly very aware of my sodden skirt and hair that hadn't been washed in days. I thrust the cookies into his hands saying something to the effect of "Umm...cookies?"

I then excaped as quickly as I could. I don't remember hiking back to the trailer. But once there, I collected myself and was suddenly angry at how stupid I must've looked. I've always prided myself on being calm and in control of every situation. What in the world had come over me out there? Well, I decided, it wouldn't happen again.

As I chopped veggies for the soup, I couldn't help but see in my mind those blue, blue eyes. Who was he? I didn't remember seeing him at the little church we'd visited for several weeks now.

I was brought back to my task when, with a yelp, I sliced the end of my thumb off. Looking in horror at the blood going everywhere, I grabbed a towel and went about bandaging my wound, all the time calling myself names for not paying more attention.

I did finally get lunch finished...just in time for 5 very wet and cold guys to come trooping into the trailer. There wasn't even room to walk around them, but I managed to dish out the soup and sandwiches. Noticing my bloody bandage, my dad asked me what happened. I nonchalantly told him, brushing it off and trying to look tough. I was also trying very hard not to notice the presence of Mr. Blue Eyes, but not being very successful. Jesse introduced him to me as "my best friend, Sky". Sky, huh? A fitting name for one with such blue eyes.

As they filed out to get back to work, Sky turned and quietly said, "Thank you for lunch; it was very good."

"You're welcome," I replied with my signature smile.

"I hope your thumb's OK," he said.

"Eh, it'll be fine," I brushed off his concern.

He left, but as I cleaned up after them, I couldn't help but think of him. He seemed nice. Quiet, but nice. I wondered if I would see him again. Not that it mattered, I told my sister's teddy bear, who was looking at me mockingly.

That day, I made up many excuses to visit the building site.

To Be Continued.....Part 2

Not All Who Wander Are Lost

My life lately is so full of conflicting ideas and beliefs. Half the time I think one thing, and the other half of the time I think the opposite. Beliefs that used to be so firmly rooted in my head are being doubted. One day I wonder if God cares what happens to me, the next day I know He does. Part of me holds on to the belief that prayer makes a difference and part of me wonders if I'm praying to a brick wall. I am alternately thankful to God and angry at Him. Just when I believe that all things have a purpose, I throw my hands in the air and declare that life-happenings are purposeless. Sh*t happens.

The thing is, this doesn't bother me. Should it? I feel at peace, even in the midst of the turmoil in my heart. Like there are Truths that never change, regardless of what I see and how I feel. Like there is Someone Whose existance cannot be threatened by my doubting or unbelief. And He is what is keeping my heart, the Keeper of my soul. Wandering I may be...but not lost.

It is enough for me right now to just know that there is nowhere I can flee from His presence. There is no darkness that can hide me from Him; no doubts that can take me out His hand. I guess I'll just have to rest in that assurance for now. Because I'm tired of trying to work everything else out in my mind.

Don't worry about me. I know my faith is still there...there are roots too deep for the frost to touch. This is just where I'm at, where I'm resting, waiting. Listening to the rumblings of a heart not quite whole yet. Perhaps here, in my doubts, anger, brokeness, and fears, is where God wants to meet me. To purge once again everything that is keeping me from trusting Him. Lord, I wait for You.....



All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.

The Fellowship of the Ring
by J.R.R. Tolkien