It was a compliment this time. Though I usually hear it in a chiding tone from someone who thinks it their right to comment with displeasure on my life-journey. But this time, surprisingly, it was in admiration from someone who has known me a long time. It made me smile.
I am different these days. I am....happy. Confident. Free. Comfortable with myself and my place in the world.
But mostly, I am unafraid.
Fear has shadowed my entire life. I can never remember not being afraid. My earliest memories were tainted with fear, even the happiest of them.
But these days, that fear is gone. It's amazing how that changes a person.
I am no longer afraid of god. Afraid of displeasing him. Of not following his will for my life. Of making a mistake and disappointing him. Of him ruining my life because that's what god does when you rebel, it's how he shows you he loves you, by not letting you get away with your own selfish desires. His plans are so much better than yours, after all.
I am no longer afraid of hell. Of accidentally sinning and dying before I can repent. I had nightmares about that as a small child. I was terrified of spending eternity in hell. It seemed so easy to screw up and end up punished after you die. I was so afraid of my friends going to hell too. I was so afraid that I wouldn't get to tell enough people about Jesus in my life and would be responsible for them dying and going to hell.
I am no longer afraid of punishment. For most of my life, I lived under fear of punishment. From my parents, from god. Messing up meant harsh punishments. Spanking, grounding, losing friend privileges, having to do extra chores, writing out a hundred sentences that say "I will not blame-shift". But mostly spankings, until I became a teen. Then it was lectures, control of resources, and groundings that killed the small social life I had. For every little infraction, because all sins are the same, and foolishness must be driven out of the heart of a child. Afraid of punishment from god who could not only send me to hell if I died unrepentant, but he could make my life miserable too. He could do all manner of horrible things to teach me a lesson if screwed up. He could even take my child's life if I loved her more than I loved him, if I loved her too much. That's what god does, because he's a jealous god. My entire life, death, and afterlife could be punishments if he decided I needed them.
I am no longer afraid of missing god's plan for my life. I make the plans for my life now. I take the responsibility, I pay the consequences, good and bad. No one is waiting to punish me for planning badly. I'm not going to ruin my life if I don't hear god correctly and take a wrong step. I'm in charge. If I screw up, I will try again. There are many different ways to live a successful life, I'm not fucked if I miss The One. There is no "hedge of thorns" sent to hem me in and bring me back to god's plan.
I'm no longer afraid of failing to be who god wants me to be. I don't have to ask permission to be me. To follow my heart. To love whom I want to love. To be passionate about what matters to me. I don't have to make sure my character fits someone else's idea of right. I choose my values, who I want to be and what that looks like.
I am no longer afraid of what other people can do to me. Of whether the ones I love and used to be dependent on will walk away, reject me, and break my heart. Because I realize now that giving my heart to them means they can hurt it, but they cannot ruin it. Only I can do that. I am not dependent on how others treat me for my validation or my success in life. I adore all the people that are part of my life, but my life is not dependent on them anymore. I am no longer defenseless and powerless.
I am no longer afraid of the darkness in me. That part of me that is just as much human as the light, happy parts. That part that scared people, that they taught me to fear. I am those things too, in all their rich glory, and they don't scare me anymore. I don't have to deny the darkness exists or pray it away because it turns out it's not evil. I know evil; and the anger, passion, depression, anxiety, rage, rain, storm, and shadows that reside in human nature are not it. I can be a whole person now.
I am no longer afraid of being happy. It's OK to be utterly happy with myself and my life. It's OK to love and to live. It's OK to feel satisfied and enough. Conversely, it's OK to be sad. To be unhappy. To want more. To wish and not be OK with how things are. I am no longer afraid of the entire range of human emotions. They are not good or evil, they just are.
I am no longer afraid of my passion. I am a passionate person, and that is perfectly OK. Though I still get shamed often for this, get sanctioned, invalidated, told I'm too much and not enough, told my passion doesn't belong or is misplaced, told to be quiet, be nice, sit down, shut up. But since I no longer need validation from others, I am no longer afraid of my own passion or what others think about it. I can shout from the rooftops or speak in whispers in quiet places, and it is enough and it is valid.
I am no longer afraid of so many things, fears that have been a part of my life for as far back as I have memories. And that changes a person. It takes a huge weight off their shoulders that makes every aspect of their life lighter.
So, yes, I am different these days. I am whole. I am unashamedly, gloriously me.
And I am not afraid any more.
You never have to be afraid of God Darcy. He is still there although you may disagree with me. Just saying... I'm glad you are no longer afraid! Have a Beautiful Christmas!!
ReplyDeleteI am no longer afraid of god. Because he/she doesn't exist. There is nothing more to be afraid of.
DeleteHe for sure exists. I know we disagree on this. You know - it's so cliché but He really does exist and loves you! I'm a pest I know..but I care! Merry Christmas!!
DeleteCaring means stop trying to tell me your imaginary friend loves me. If you believe in hell, then that's not love and I want no part of it. I know it's coming from a good heart, but you forget that there's nothing you can tell me I don't already know. Been there, done that, no thank you.
DeleteThis is a beautiful post! And I love your comment here Darcy. I look forward to this day for myself.
DeleteWell, Honestly it's your blog and you can write whatever you want. You have to know that some people can agree with you and some may disagree with you. It's part of the blog world. I'm not going to lie and say that I don't believe in Hell or Heaven. I obviously do but if you choose not to believe that is your prerogative obviously. I'm really not trying to convince you of anything. Have a good one.
DeleteYou know, I find it hilarious how often Christians in my life use line after line that I've heard a million times, even used on unbeliever back in the day. Especially is it when my sister two years younger than I - when our brother died a year ago, at his funeral, I kissed his cold cheek, saying that I hoped he was he was in a better place (which is true, even if I don't really believe he is)...I immediately regretted my words because dear sister came fluttering over and said, she KNEW he was.
DeleteI hate that Christians think that, because I'm an atheist, I have forgotten all the lingo. I was always the smart one (which is probably why I left it all behind, because I've always been a big lover of logic, and my faith was filled with so many holes I couldn't believe in it once I grew up), my Sunday school teacher called me his star student, and when I was 13 and in VBS I got the most points out of anyone because I memorized the entire list of Bible verses. I still know all of the the dogma backwards and forwards, and I resent that now, just because I'm not a Christian anymore, I must not truly understand it. Oh yes, I do. And I loathe it.
I am so sorry Rebecca for however you were treated.
DeleteI love this so much, Darcy. :-) I was talking about this with Bear the other day, utterly astonished that I wasn't afraid, that I'm getting so deliciously comfy with being a whole person without shame or false guilt or that awful fear. :-) So glad you're free and safe and happy and loved. XO
ReplyDeleteGood stuff. You're making the right choice.
ReplyDeleteSo many prayers for you, Darcy. I have said almost the exact same things you are saying. I was miserable although I claimed to be happy. I didn't know it at the time, but many were praying for me to repent. By God's grace, I have. Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteWhat makes you think that because you lied to yourself and failed to be genuine that others are doing the same thing? Everyone who knows me knows that I am many things, but fake is not one of them. If I say I am happy and at peace, then I am. If I'm not, then I have no problem saying that out loud too. It's rather arrogant to assume you know better than someone else what is really going on in their heads and hearts.
DeleteAs for your prayers, I appreciate the heart behind them. But there is nothing about Christianity that appeals to me whatsoever. I even wrote a few posts about that. why would I go back to that bondage when I'm free? No thanks. I will pray to Freyja that you find freedom too.
Darcy, I am writing as the churched son of a Fellowship Baptist preacher (the Fellowship is Canadian IFB essentially) and I want to support and applaud your patience in the midst of delusion all around you. Your Christian lovers will love you straight to death with their woo-woo: I know for sure God exists, one says, without any real proof at all, just this wonderful feeling! You are surrounded by prayer warriors who want you to relent, to come back into the fold and get it right and true, KJV or whatever. Do you know, that even as I express my atheism in human, loving terms, expressing great support for my woo-woo family, they still deny me my lack of belief and talk as if I am in some stage or feeling unbalanced. It has been by turns, laughable, infuriating, challenging and simply torture too. I am in my sixties!
ReplyDeleteToo all of your loving friends who are believers: You are so so mistaken and it is okay. Darcy cares for you more than you can know, more than your imaginary friend even cares. No matter how you caress or cajole, you will end up with having to accept Darcy as she is, the biped who does not share your belief, or you will have to depart and let her be. I have been let go by some and they know that I am doomed without God. They allow that this is fine and nothing to do with them. But there is no God and their judgement of me, eternal judgement is their doing, their version of human love. So sorry! You have chosen. Off you go to eternal suffering. When my parents taught me as a little kid about Christ, they made sure I understood what Hell would be like and how the flesh would drip from me forever in suffering. So I say to you with your deep love of Darcy, Fuck right off, life-haters. You have no right to be indecent and to support such acts as I endured as a child. Fuck you and your fantasy Gawd. Darcy is very kind to you in your harmful arrogance. I do not wish to be... there are too many children being brainwashed and tortured by people just like you. Repent your woo-woo beliefs.... (Darcy, you need not allow this post if it is too harsh for your tastes. I am tired of fundagelical harm being whispered as love.)
When some one says they care and are praying, it's honestly not a horrible thing. We are not all life-haters as you've stated. Some people have a genuine belief and faith in God. When I read some of the stuff people have gone through by Christians I am honestly just disgusted and appalled as a Christian myself. That is honestly not Christianity nor is it love!
DeleteAll I can say is that if this is what God and Christianity were to you, you were right to reject them.
ReplyDeleteWe had some good sundayschoolpicnics with BBQ and baseball but at the basis of fundagelical faith is abuse. Like the bully who beat you down; after he finished, patted you on the back as if all was well. What he meant was you are his, on his terms. Do you have any idea what I am saying?
DeleteYes, that was my experience of fundamentalist evangelicalism too.
DeleteKristen, I am sorry to hear that... When I talk to people who had nominal religion, some Anglicans for instance or United Church, they have no idea what I am talking about when I give them some of my own history. They have enjoyed a seemingly harmless Jesus and Sunday School that was fun. Fun!
ReplyDeleteI don't feel judged by nominal Christians but fundagelicals are soldiers and they are armed and justified/commanded by God to harm others. It breaks my heart to think of the children, all the children dragged through IFB and other harsh experiences. It simply ruins lives.
Yes, that's how I feel too. I remained a Christian and found a more progressive version of the faith, but I think no religion is better than toxic religion. I believe in God but don't think God could be so petty and small-minded as not to understand that some people just can't do religion at all after what they've been through.
DeleteI was a progressive/liberal Christian for almost a decade before rejecting all of it.
DeleteI did once believe and was churched to boot, bible-study groups, the Sisyphus cycle of sin and repentance but it all fell apart when I decided to care for myself more and be honest to myself first.
DeleteWe have a world capable of maintaining both unbelief (me) and belief(you), I think, even though it is used by sick people on every side to do harm to others (Christianity and Islam, for example and non-believers too). We bring our own harm, our lack of love into all we do. What we do not honestly deal with in our own histories, we pass on.... I watched a street preacher on YouTube named Jesse Morrell. He was outside a church in Cincinnati shouting at people coming there about torn rectums and sinful homos. In other videos he exhibits a disdain for black people and women and uses the Bible to support his preacher knowledge. Jesus might save some from worse than they would have experienced but it becomes a moot point to me when saved people take to the streets with their need to preach/harm others around them. They become wretched, ignorant bipeds with Christ, just as they were without him. There is a clue in that reality, a sign pointing to the individual sickness that being saved cannot change, or certainly seems to overlook. This is one reason the value of Christianity, of any extreme faith escapes me.
I feel this so strongly. My path out of religion has been so painful, resulting in abuse and then the loss of my mother, father, and sister. I think they all looked on smugly as I struggled with depression, suicide, anxiety, and rage as a result of the pain they put me through, thinking "look how miserable he is. that's a sure sign that he is being punished for his rebellion and he will return to the fold where everything is better." But yet, now that I'm gaining more distance and slowly piecing myself back together after their latest blows, I am so much happier. I am so much smarter, more passionate, more thoughtful, braver, stronger. I feel love more deeply, I have learned to understand myself. And all of those things are so beautiful, I wouldn't go back even if I could.
ReplyDeleteHow is that one can bear a child and then turn on that child and harm them with threats of Hell, with hitting, shaming, blaming? It is not possible! But it happens because belief does not change people. People can change themselves over time, with hard work but belief is just a tool used and it is used (as I have observed it over 60 years) as much or more for demolition as for building Creation.
ReplyDeleteI have no problem with someone wishing to worship delusion (as I see it) providing they do not preach it, punish with it, visit it on children... If they could understand simply that basic human decency, a respectful boundary that ought to be in place, then good and fine. But what happened to Evan and me and Darcy and countless others was lack of boundaries, was harm called God's Love. I have given theology to my kids along with the lack of it and have never told them one is right and one is wrong. I would kill myself before tell a child that they faced Hellfire unless they were saved. For fuck sake, what is wrong with people that they must harm children like this? If you think it is the Devil, then you are not looking hard enough. Look into your own past and admit what happened. Those who spank, hit, shame and blame always learned it in their own lives: That's the devil of it. Until we are able to face the truth about ourselves, the harm is passed on through to the next generation, often quite proudly. (Michael Pearl, Doug Wilson et al)
How is that one can bear a child and then turn on that child and harm them with threats of Hell, with hitting, shaming, blaming?"
DeleteMaybe because it was done to them?
In some fashion, you are exactly right about their history. The treatment of children in past generations was fairly harsh and religious parents showed no special mercy at all. In fact, as I have often said, religion became a tool to further harm children among some.
ReplyDeleteFound you via Love, Joy Fem on Patheos. I could have written this very post and respect your candor. I share your sense of liberation and new-found happiness in the absence of fear. Amazing how easy it is to live with crippling fear when it seems so 'normal'.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this.
I'm sorry that anyone, and especially children, have been hurt by hypocritical Christians. It's very important that we don't let evil cloud the truth that Jesus was born into the world, died, and rose from the dead in order to save humanity from our sins. Our sins are what caused our separation from a loving God in the first place.
ReplyDeleteThey weren't hypocritical. They were following exactly what their god commanded. The god of the Bible is an asshole and when his people are assholes it's because they're following him well.
DeleteYour "loving god" sends people to hell merely for not doing his bidding. That makes him unworthy of being called loving and unworthy of any respect. I am a better parents than he is. i would never treat my children the way he supposedly treats his. Open your eyes and use a little critical thinking. The Bible is the reason I am an atheist. Not "hypocritical christians".
DeleteI am sorry that you have to impose responsibility for the hurt we cause ourselves on a concept of 'fallen' man. That is the beginning of harm to yourself and others, including those children you seem to favor. The truth you say we should not cloud is your feeling of truth. Jesus did not die for me or for my children. If Jesus lived, it was some thousands of years ago. And this God you speak of? Huh? You mean the loving God that slaughtered at a whim and that tested faith by shouting in the head of a man that he should gut his son on a rock? Sorry Robert.... not for me. Don't dare be sorry for me with your gah-gah.
DeleteChristians made up an imaginary problem, then made up an imaginary god and imaginary rules and punishments and rewards. But if you reject the imaginary problem, you have no need for the imaginary god that created the problem in the first place, nor his narcissistic, conditional, abusive "love".
Delete