Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Getting my Snark On
A while back, this post was passed around, entitled "A Letter to Girls I Know". It was loved by many, hated by even more, and mostly just ranted against and became the instigator of much facepalming (I totally just made that word up.)
(EDIT: it's come to my attention that the original letter was deleted from that blog. I found it again HERE.)
It had a little different reaction in me. I'm so done with the modesty teachings. Really, they seem more and more irrelevant to real life and downright ridiculous. I just can't take anyone seriously who blames women for mens' problems anymore. Sometimes when I hear of yet another girl who has been damaged by these teachings, I get angry. Because attacking the very heart of a woman in the way these teachings do makes me angry. But reading this ridiculous letter, I got snarky instead. So I decided to write my own letter. This is definitely not my usual style, but, hey...I can't be all profound and serious and thoughtful all the time. Sometimes it takes over-the-top snark to point out how stupid something is. Be sure to read the original first. If you can stand it.
Letter to The Men I Know (A Parody of an Epically Stupid Letter)
There are two kinds of girls: Godly girls, worldy girls, and girls that climb on rocks. Which one do YOU want...to marry, that is. (Geez, get your minds outta the gutter.) I'm betting most of you said "a godly girl", because, of course, that is the right answer and anything else would be carnal. Or something. Someday, you want to marry a woman who loves god with every fiber and muscle and brain cell because she will be an excellent helpmeat and arrow-maker (that's babies, for you worldly people reading this). She will obey and submit to and make dozens of godly arrows only for you. Most men want a godly woman/helpmeat, or at least think they do. (Maybe. Until their quivers explode and then...they might rethink that. What I wanna know is, can godly girls pole-dance? Because that might be the deal-breaker right there.) Well, I know exactly how to read your mind and tell you exactly what kind of girl you will exactly get. I don't even have to know you because I'm a mind-reader and psychic and all that jazz. (But in a godly way because psychics are satan-worshippers.) All I have to do is look at you. The kind of girl you want or will get is advertised by the clothing you wear (or don't wear). I know what girls want. Trust me, I'm a girl. I know more girls than you do and I know them better (but not in *that* way. Honest. Cuz I'm a girl. Um, moving on.....) I know what we think, talk about, want, and look for and even though I just said that I know it all because we're all girls, every one of us is actually different so it would be impossible for me to actually know what every girl wants and thinks. But I'm, like, 89% percent sure anyway. I'm sure you know this, but women were created differently than men. We have different desires, we smell better, we dress better, we don't start wars and bump chests and do stupid things to impress men like riding our dirt bikes off of cliffs into lakes and stuff which really isn't all that impressive to a girl, now that I think about it. It's just dumb. But I digress. Our eyes and minds work differently than yours. Well, OK, not really, but that's what people say so I'm sitcking with it.
A wordly girl doesn't control herself, rather, we...SHE!....looks at anything that attracts her attention or gets her excited like guys with ripped abs and pecs and Daniel Craig in a cowboy hat. And gun belt. And that dude from "Leaverage" that has pretty hair and likes to beat people up. She has no problem with guys that show off skin or hair or pecs or cute butts, like dudes in Wranglers and boxers (which apparently is cross-dressing since women like them now too) and nice hair and gorgeous eyes and those "cute" little....um....I disgressed again. Anyhow, I think you get the point. They are the women in your church and youth group who aren't there for the worship at all, but to ogle the worship leader who wears a V-neck and skinny jeans. If you married a girl like this, she might be able to pole-dance, but your life will be hell. She won't leave you alone or keep her hands off you and the baggage, Oh! the baggage! She might even cheat on you. Yeah. Because all you wanted was a submissive little helpmeat and arrow-maker and she's so worldy, she just wants to tear your clothes off. Stay away from this woman. Stay faaaaar away.
A godly girl is in control of her desires and drives. She probably doesn't even have them. Because good women don't, ya know. She constantly seeks god and reads her bible and walks in the spirit and acts like a nun. You will know her godliness by her bright eyes that never stop bouncing. When Daniel Craig walks by in nothing but a gun belt, or she sees an immodestly dressed guy on a magazine, the godly girl quickly bounces her eyes away and recites Titus 2. She's constantly guarding her mind to keep from thinking about any man ever. And especially not Daniel Craig. She sees men as people with brains and not just a body, in spite of the fact that she can't actually look at one cause her eyes won't stop this annoying bouncing thing. If you marry this girl, you will have a clean house, perfect sandwiches, and a full quiver. (Well, you'll only get the full quiver if she can stop her eyes from bouncing long enough to actually look at you.)
Unfortunately, there are now more worldly girls than godly girls (which explains why the godly girls are a dying breed. Wow, it's all so clear now.) So what can YOU do to attract a godly girl? It's all about how you dress. The clothes you wear advertise what kind of girl you are looking for. Dress like a monk or a Bible character or IFB preacher and you'll be safe. You'll scare every worldly girl for miles around and the godly girls will come flocking to be your helpmeat. You cannot afford to be complacent in this area of your life! You will pay the price someday. Tight tee shirts that show your biceps and jeans that fit just right? Asking for trouble, brother! It's like fishing with a lure that says "Here, worldly girl, come and get me!" all over it. You'll get what you ask for. And I'm not talking about fish.
The way you dress affects all the girls and the guys around you and their relationships, their parents' relationships, their grandparents, their 2nd cousins....I think you get the point. You don't see the stuggles and pain and tears you cause by looking good in them jeans and working out and stuff, but I can promise you you'd be shocked if you did! (And maybe a little more cocky.) Ask any christian girl; we've all seen it. You try to hide it, but it's still there. (What, you ask? Well, *it*, duh.) By looking hot and sexy and having nice hair, you spit on every girl whose eyes are bouncing, toying with us and *liking* it!!! For shame!!!! You'll never know how many relationships you've devestated and lifestyles of sin that you've caused because you won't cover up those pecs and abs and butt! (But I'm not objectifying you, really. It just sounds like it. I really do see more than your body parts. Honest.) Because some poor, helpless girl who's trying to be godly and have bright, bouncing eyes just couldn't help herself! So don't just help your future, non-existent, not-very-likely relationships, help all women and all men everywhere and cover that cute butt!!! Rock those robes!
Of course, I understand the desire to look stylish, attractive, yada yada yada why can't you just buck up and be ugly for Jesus? Huh? Because that's what godly men do. But just remember, for every sacrifice you make in looking freakish in your dress, we girls are making even MORE sacrifices that are just as hard and probably harder. Like, quit your whining already. My life isn't easy either, OK? I have to keep my eyes bouncing and pretend that reading my bible is more interesting than your cute smile and gorgeous eyes. Girls will respect you for your choice! A real guy is careful of the image he presents and real girls want real guys real bad.
And you can forget everything I just said about how you dress, because it doesn't actually matter. We girls can see a hot guy's body no matter what he wears. You could dress like a monk and we still know. It's a gift.
And so the question still remains: What kind of girl do you want? Answer me with your clothes. Or not.
a not-so-anonymous woman who just wants to help by telling everyone what to do and blaming all my problems on everyone else. Especially men.