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Monday, July 19, 2010

Searching....

I feel....empty. No, that's no quite right. I feel like I'm searching for something and I can't find it. Spiritually, something is lacking. I go to church, hopeful for that elusive Something. I look for it while reading articles from really spiritually-together people. While interacting with friends, online and in real life. But I can't find it. I sit and listen to the sermon at church, waiting, hoping for the piece that will fall into place and make everything make sense. But instead, I find myself cynically replying to everything the preacher says. "God will always take care of us!" (except when He ...doesn't.) "Everything happens for a reason" (even that little girl that was abducted the other day? God better have one hell of a reason for that.) "Ask Him to show You where He wants to heal your heart" (I've been asking a long time, Lord...) "Isn't God good?" (Maybe. Sometimes. Then there's those other times...) "Lord, we pray for Your hand of healing on Brother Smith" (Right. Because that works.) "Lord, thank you so much that you spared Sister Jones' house from the fire" (what about the other houses that didn't get spared? Why do we give God all of the credit and none of the blame?)

I feel so guilty for thinking such things. I pray, but with no faith. I want to, but praying with faith didn't make much of a difference. I know that Jesus is a huge part of my life. That He cares about me and about my family. That's He's healed me from so much pain and sin and He's directed my life in obvious ways. I try so hard to listen and believe but I can't help the barrage of cynical questions and thoughts that bombard my mind. I try to talk about it with others but I'm only met with tired cliches and Christianese. It just isn't enough anymore! I'm so tired of hearing them. I need answers, real ones. And I'm wondering if there's anyone out there in Christendom who can give them to me.

I'm tired of church. I go only to find community. I love the people, the friends we've made, the community we've formed. But church...even some of the songs we sing drive me crazy. It's not the church's fault. Honestly, this church we're attending is great. The people are passionate and sincere, and the preaching is full of grace and truth. I feel accepted and loved. But for some reason, it's not enough. Enough to answer the burning questions and fill the void in my heart.

Why can't we get a break and get ahead financially?
Why can't God help us find a job that would be easier for our family?
Why do little children have to suffer at the hands of adults?
Why does my daughter have to struggle with autism?
Why doesn't God heal people?
What good does following Him really do?
If God isn't inept, that seems to make Him aloof and uncaring....


And if one more person tell me to "just take your questions to Jesus" I'm going to blow. What do they think I'm doing?? I read my Bible and all I get is more questions. I used to be so optimistic and passionate and now I don't feel much of anything except cynicism. And I hate that! I am craving community, close friendships, someone who won't either freak out or offer pad-answers when I ask questions. I sat in church on Sunday and I looked around at eager people soaking up the Word of God and I wondered, What's wrong with me? I listen to my friend tell me her problems yet still saying "but I know that God will work it all out" and I think, I used to say that. Do I still believe that? I don't know. What happened? Life, I suppose.

I think we're missing something. That Christianity, with all it's ministries, programs, churches, worship, and VBS's is missing something. There's should be so much more to this thing we call "church", this label "Christian". But I walk into a church and it's like time freezes around me, and I'm the only one still moving while everyone else is frozen and I can see all the happiness and joy on people's faces but I can't be there, experience it with them. I want to reach out and connect but I can't. Am I the only one that feels like this doing church isn't enough? Everyone else seems perfectly content while I sit here, frustrated and lonely. And doubting. I just can't seem to reconcile what I read about God with what I am experiencing on a daily basis.

I crave a real relationship. With a real God. Not the God everyone has neatly in their church-defined boxes. But the God of the Bible Who came through for His people in mighty ways. I crave community. Not Sunday morning "let's stand and worship the Lord". But Monday night Bible-study-turned-comforting-and-holding-up-the-broken-ones. Friends that do life together. Fellowship that you literally cannot live without. I've seen glimpses of this amazing life. And it leaves me wishing, longing, grasping for more. And tired of missing it.

Does this resonate with anybody?

25 comments:

  1. wow. you spoke my heart perfectly. I feel that way so often about canned Christianity...I want authenticity and transparency, a kindred spirit, a Jonathan. I desire to walk with Christ and have him made known to myself. But its also hard to walk the journey alone...feeling as though you are a piece of driftwood floating on the waves of the sea. I desire community, connectedness...acceptance.

    And why does my son have autism? why does my little one have spd? why did we loose our twin boys? why was I abused?? why? why? why?

    What is the purpose for this? What purpose does God have for me in this?

    The answer comes back quiet and somewhat void. It doesn't take away the pain or hurt. He never promised us a trouble free life. So I look forward to heaven...a perfect world where all things become known, and those of us who have suffered greatly in this life are rewarded beyond measure.

    I have read Joni Eareckson Tada's books on suffering and heaven. I highly recommend them. She knows first hand what it means to struggle, sacrifice, and feel abandoned.

    And for what its worth...I could definitely help you out on the lonely/connected category. I could use a friend too!

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  2. It does with me, Darcy.

    That was...real. I appreciate you putting it out there.

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  3. I agree with the others...your authenticity and realness are a blessing. Thank you for daring to be honest and truthful about your struggles even if they aren't well-received by others. {{hugs}}

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  4. Chandra (right?),
    That would be awesome! Except, you live in Missouri and I live in the Wild West. :P I have some great friends online that I couldn't live without. I wish everyone lived close to me. :)
    (Warning: I am a homeschool mom. Just thought I'd let you know. ;))

    I think my biggest problem is that we just moved from our life-long home to somewhere far away where we know nobody. We're starting over from scratch. And that isn't easy. I'm making some great friends but am a little impatient to get from the "getting to know you" stage to the "know every little corner of your heart" stage. Also, The bestest friend I had in the whole world left me for her patriarchal, reformed husband and family. Now she won't even speak to me. We were each others' closest friends for 4 years. I haven't been that close to anyone since then. I try, but I think, without me even wanting to, part of my heart is always holding back. I am trying I guess I'm still afraid of putting everything I've got into someone only to have them leave me. Again. :/

    Lewis, this is me. :) No pretense, no posing. Just me. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the insane.

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  5. Resonates very much so. I'm super-frustrated, too.

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  6. Also, The bestest friend I had in the whole world left me for her patriarchal, reformed husband and family. Now she won't even speak to me. We were each others' closest friends for 4 years. I haven't been that close to anyone since then.

    Oh honey! I'm so sorry! How heartbreaking! :-(

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  7. hey, Darcy. You are not alone. I just went to church off and on for two years (even though I know I found the best in the area) because of just that. And I got really ticked off when I moved to Thailand and people suddenly wanted to know why I didn't tell them and include them in prayer requests. I told them, "No one in the church cared about my broken heart. Why would I think they care about me on the other side of the world? No one wanted to pray for me when I was struggling, but now I'm doing something "spiritual" and you want to pray for me?" I went through a period right before I left where I didn't even want to check my email because people who never bothered now supposedly cared.

    And what you say about friendships is right. Right now I'm starving for a friend in real life that actually speaks English or isn't 20 years older than me. Its hard, and the language barrier is hard to trust God when it could take three years to overcome.

    And so I agree with you. "just take it to Jesus" really sucks when you are frustration, someone close to you had died, your child has autism, you don't have a real community, or you can't pay your bills. And that's okay.

    I had two friends die in the last four months. That's really hard to take.

    Oh, and my best friend doesn't speak to me anymore either. We were best friends for 12 years. Wrote 10 page letters to each other in the mail every week when she moved. She stayed with me six weeks out of the year during my teenage years. And gone just like that for a similar reason. Its unbelievable.

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  8. Marlana...I can relate. :-( For example, no matter where I've moved, I kept my cell phone number local to my family so they could call me without it costing them. They have maybe called twice in 4 months...and once was to tell me about an uncle who died. And so two weeks ago when I was in the process of getting a new phone number local to me, my mom got upset because it would cost to call me long distance! H

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  9. Thank you Darcy. These are real questions. Ignoring them doesn't make them go away like I used to think. Right now, I'm ok. But I now know that could change at any time.

    Hope things ease up for you soon!

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  10. I can very much relate to this post. In fact, I feel this way most of the time, which is why I think I have a difficult time praying. Sometimes, I just feel it doesn't do any good. Sigh!

    I.R.

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  11. Yeah, it resonates. I have asked all of those questions at one time or the other (except the question of autism, but I have/am dealing with other child issues). I am currently asking several of them. I too am searching for the fellowship of good friends...the ones you don't have to pretend with.

    We are part of a church, but I don't really feel connected. Maybe it is the stage of our life, with small children it is hard to get out, but I keep seeking. I guess since I had such connections before, I know they can exist, and that is what gives me hope.

    I read in the book "Jacob the Baker" that what keeps the main character going (and I know I won't get this exactly right, but hope to share the idea)is that sometimes after a long day, we get to the place where we will stay for the night. We dig in the dirt to start a fire, and sometimes we find ashes. And that is what inspired him, the ashes. Because it means that someone has travelled this road before and someone else had been to through this hard place, and they had somehow found the strength to go on.

    I think about that passage a lot. It is the ashes that can be the most inspiring.

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  12. Hi, Darcy. I randomly got connected to your blog through a friend. I have most definitely been right where it seems you are. I have asked the same questions (many times) and felt lonely and isolated even when in community. And I have definitely asked the doubting, cynical questions only to be met with what seems to be silence. The only "answer" I can give is that I believe what you are experiencing is a wonderful thing. I believe it is something you can look to as evidence that the Holy Spirit dwells in you...because you long for more. I don't think you have to "do" anything. It's been my experience that the Spirit inside me does all the work while I hold on to whatever tiny fleck of hope and faith I can muster up to believe in. Repent of whatever unbeleif the Spirit reveals to you, believe in the death of Jesus to cover your unbelief (you don't have to fix it or make it better...he already did!), and fight hard to stay in community and in relationship with the Lord, however that looks for you. (that is something the pastor of my former church always used...we called it the waltz: repent, believe, fight) Looking back on my dark times in my walk with Jesus, I see that I always just have to kinda "ride it out" and believe in Him to hang on to me! "I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14

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  13. I am in this boat with you, Darcy.

    Evangelical Christianity ended for me the day my precious niece was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis. I had never had a life-altering moment before then. Suddenly my faith seemed irrelevant. I felt like I was flung off a cliff.

    After a few years of free-fall (including a journey into patriocentricity that began to destroy my family), I discovered (was led to?) something called Hebraic Christianity. In a nutshell, it's Christianity in its Hebraic context. This was my parachute and it has helped bring meaning to the faith I thought I lost. (I'm not saying this is the answer for anyone else, it's just part of my story.)

    Those questions persist, though, and on the bad days I try to remember Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, who said they'd believe even if God was silent. He is silent in my life but I'm choosing to believe anyway.

    I will pray for a parachute for you or at least another oar for the boat!

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  14. Darcy; I do relate. I have an inner cynic that wants to believe, but questions...not God, I don't think....but who questions the silly, pat answers we Christians give to each other. I hate being a cynic. Sometimes I want to go back to that simple place of saying/thinking the quick and easy answer, and of truly believing it. It is much less tortuous on the individual.

    My husband was very sick this summer. He had a staph infection that got into his blood sream and into a hip joint and almost took his life. It's been a long and hard three months, with two subsequent hospitalizations. Besides that, I have an rh sensitization with my 9th baby, and while the baby is fine I have lots of doctor visits and monitoring. I also care for my elderly parents - who are both having joint surgeries between now and October when the baby is due.

    I had people say to me, via facebook, at the very time my husband was septic and in surgery - GOD IS SO GOOD! GOOD ALL OF THE TIME! And I sat in that waiting room, alone, thinking..."Yeah. It sure feels like it." So many stupid, stupid things were said to me.

    You know, my understanding of God does rest upon the fact that at His core - He is a GOOD and LOVING God. I believe that He made this world and people because He is loving from the beginning. But I'm not convinced that in the every day earthly life I'm going to "feel" that He is good.

    I don't think we know Him like we think we do. I don't think we should pretend we have Him in a box...He's much bigger than that. I'm not sure He always interacts, averting free will nor averting nature's free will like we think He does.

    I think....that life is hard, but He will always be with us. I think that despite life's hardness and difficulties, He does love us. I think that love is personal and He interacts with us as individuals, but I don't think he micromanages all of our affairs nor does He often give us the answers we crave. I think that is where, for me, that trust has to come into play. "Okay, God...I don't get this. I'm even mad at you right now. I don't understand....but somehow, underneath it all, I'm going to believe in what has not been explained to me. I'm going to trust that you are operating from love, that you are love at your very character so could not "cause" these things that hurt me so. I trust in your bigness, and that someday you will set all things to right.

    Lately, when at church, I've been so aware of my broken ness, my neediness, my lack of understanding....and it has been okay. The woundedness makes me so much more aware of my need for Him. There's not a drive to understand it all, to explain it all, to give the pat answers to life's difficult answers - I am at church with others who are really (maybe deep down) in the same situation who are also a real mess - and we all, together, really NEED Jesus and the power of the Holy Spirit in our lives - EVERY day. We're never going to arrive at that perfect place where we don't need Him.

    So - I'm still working it all through, revamping my view of God. (It angers me specifically when people parrot the concept that "all my afflictions come from His Hand. Hmmm. What kind of a God is that?) I've learned to avoid the pat answer for the most part - but it is difficult - because I have also learned that most people want you to put on a happy face, to just say "praise the Lord!", and to say the right thing to make them feel good. Well, I refuse to do that. I'll acknowledge that life is hard - but so far, at least, I can say with sincerity that God is with me. He doesn't leave me. That gets me through.

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  15. Darcy; I do relate. I have an inner cynic that wants to believe, but questions...not God, I don't think....but who questions the silly, pat answers we Christians give to each other. I hate being a cynic. Sometimes I want to go back to that simple place of saying/thinking the quick and easy answer, and of truly believing it. It is much less tortuous on the individual.

    My husband was very sick this summer. He had a staph infection that got into his blood sream and into a hip joint and almost took his life. It's been a long and hard three months, with two subsequent hospitalizations. Besides that, I have an rh sensitization with my 9th baby, and while the baby is fine I have lots of doctor visits and monitoring. I also care for my elderly parents - who are both having joint surgeries between now and October when the baby is due.

    I had people say to me, via facebook, at the very time my husband was septic and in surgery - GOD IS SO GOOD! GOOD ALL OF THE TIME! And I sat in that waiting room, alone, thinking..."Yeah. It sure feels like it." So many stupid, stupid things were said to me.

    You know, my understanding of God does rest upon the fact that at His core - He is a GOOD and LOVING God. I believe that He made this world and people because He is loving from the beginning. But I'm not convinced that in the every day earthly life I'm going to "feel" that He is good.

    I don't think we know Him like we think we do. I don't think we should pretend we have Him in a box...He's much bigger than that. I'm not sure He always interacts, averting free will nor averting nature's free will like we think He does.

    I think....that life is hard, but He will always be with us. I think that despite life's hardness and difficulties, He does love us. I think that love is personal and He interacts with us as individuals, but I don't think he micromanages all of our affairs nor does He often give us the answers we crave. I think that is where, for me, that trust has to come into play. "Okay, God...I don't get this. I'm even mad at you right now. I don't understand....but somehow, underneath it all, I'm going to believe in what has not been explained to me. I'm going to trust that you are operating from love, that you are love at your very character so could not "cause" these things that hurt me so. I trust in your bigness, and that someday you will set all things to right.

    Lately, when at church, I've been so aware of my broken ness, my neediness, my lack of understanding....and it has been okay. The woundedness makes me so much more aware of my need for Him. There's not a drive to understand it all, to explain it all, to give the pat answers to life's difficult answers - I am at church with others who are really (maybe deep down) in the same situation who are also a real mess - and we all, together, really NEED Jesus and the power of the Holy Spirit in our lives - EVERY day. We're never going to arrive at that perfect place where we don't need Him.

    So - I'm still working it all through, revamping my view of God. (It angers me specifically when people parrot the concept that "all my afflictions come from His Hand. Hmmm. What kind of a God is that?) I've learned to avoid the pat answer for the most part - but it is difficult - because I have also learned that most people want you to put on a happy face, to just say "praise the Lord!", and to say the right thing to make them feel good. Well, I refuse to do that. I'll acknowledge that life is hard - but so far, at least, I can say with sincerity that God is with me. He doesn't leave me. That gets me through.

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  16. Don't know why that double posted! Sorry about that!

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  17. Thank you, Holly! I can relate to so much of what you said. The song "Hold My Heart" by Tenth Ave. North portrays my feelings so well most of the time.I feel silly most of the time. Every time my good friend asks me "how are you?" I tear up even when there isn't anything "wrong". :P I, too, wish for the time when everything was peachy and God was always good and life was amazing. Not that those things aren't true now, but life and sorrow have deepened me and I realize that other things are just as true. Like, life is hard, shit happens, and God is sometimes silent. Somehow it all fits together, I just haven't figured out how yet. :) We skipped church yesterday and drove into the mountains. God seems so much more real up there....

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  18. I think that is great that you skipped church. Really! lol I have so often felt closer to God in nature, away from the man-made clutter of cities, houses, and pavement which can seem overwhelming.

    I have no pat answers, so I won't give you any. I've been where you are more than once. There is no formula, and sometimes the wait to hear anything at all was so lengthy. He did always come through, though, so hopefully that is some encouragement.

    Funny, like what Jerzy said, getting back to the Hebraic roots of our faith was a huge help to me as well. There is a huge difference in the way of thinking and looking at things. Much different than our western way of thinking. It is hard to explain. But it really made everything make "sense" and become connected in a way it never had before.

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  19. Yes, the Christian church is definitely missing something. But we don't have to be. My sister told me to read the book of Job while I was visiting her. I thought I already knew all about it. I didn't. Being clay in the Potter's hands is a whole lot harder than it sounds; but mostly because we fight it so hard. And in case anyone thinks that I think I know it all, HA! I'm as stubborn and arrogant as anyone else but for the grace of God, which for some reason I have been really bent on not accepting in the past. What is wrong with us?

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  20. On the topic of suffering, I have heard two very good sermons by a father whose daughter has cancer. They are on this website : prayfordaisy.com
    I hope they encourage and renew your faith like they have mine.

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  21. *sigh* hugs for you Darcy.

    I have my own questions too. "Why this one and not the other?" applies in so many situations. Greg Boyd's God of the Possible really helped ME with some of these questions (I discovered him checking out your links! =)But it does not hold all the answers either. Also, I found some Trinitarian blogs http://trinityandhumanity.wordpress.com/ that have been helping ME. But I have no idea if you would find them as reassuring as I have.

    Keep seeking authentic relationship with God and asking the hard questions. Surely the God of truth loves honesty. I hope your heart finds joy again soon.

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  22. I have had the same questions as you have had. I still have them from time to time. Your questions don't freak me out. And I have come to terms with some of the questions you have asked.. But I am not sure if it is the time to delve into answering them.
    I will say this, God has answered some of my questions that no one else could seem to answer them for me.

    It took a while for me to "hear" God speak. Why? I am not exactly sure.

    Maybe it was so I would finally listen to God, and believe *Him*, rather than worrying about what all the other "godly" people had to say about the subject?

    God speaks in so many little ways. You have to be on the look out for them.

    I remember I asked God to show me a rainbow to show me he cares about me. So I go to the window and look for a rainbow.

    My face is crestfallen, and disapointed. "Where is my rainbow God?"

    Then I hear, playing from Netflix instant play, a Barney Song my kids are watching about Rainbows. Of *ALL* the episodes they watched, it was one about "Rainbows?!"

    Or the time I was tired and discouraged with some things went I went late night grocery shopping. I asked God to give me encouragement while I was shopping. When I was in the produce section, a little girl ran up to me and gave me a picture she had colored. Out of the blue! I was tickled. I remembered the prayer that I had prayed, and started to cry. God gave me some love!

    God doesn't always answer the way we think He will....I was expecting a rainbow in the sky. God gave me one from Barney. I was expecting to hear a song on the radio that touched me, he used a child.

    Hang in there (((hugs)))

    I don't mean to make light of your hurts or pains. I know what pain is in the heart. I know what it feels like when I think God is silent.

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  23. Just stumbled on your blog tonight. Been traveling this same journey for awhile now. I don't really have anything to say to encourage you or answer you, except you're not alone in your feelings. I have taken a sabbatical from church, and sometimes when I do go, I find I have to leave quickly with something akin to a panic attack. I also have cynical thoughts like yours. My story is a long, hurtful one, not meant to be shared here...but you are not alone.

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