There is a flutter of something in my heart tonight. Something that scares me yet makes me feel...lighter somehow.
I think it is hope.
Like a breath of cool air on a hot summer night, it is elusive, and teasing. But perhaps that is because I am still holding it at arm's length. Still suspicious of it, afraid of it, wondering if this is too good to be true.
I've been doubting for so long. Hurting for so long. Angry at God and wondering if He even exists or cares about me. Wandering, trying to make sense of the last two years. When eveyone I trusted and loved failed me and broke my heart, it seemed like even God had forgotten about me. I know now and have known for a while that He's holding my heart, even when I'm doubting Him. This is what keeps me sane.
But as a new chapter in my life begins, a stirring deep inside is starting. Can it be that I can begin to breathe again? That I can hope for healing, joy, intimacy, and good things in life? I am afraid of hope because I hate disappointment. It has always been a struggle with me to hope for anything. I have had to purpose to hope, even if it means being disappointed because life without hope isn't life. It is death to the soul.
I so badly want to take in this elusive feeling of hope like a much-needed breath of air. I want to pray again and believe God is actually listening to me. I want to know that He loves me and has not forgotten. I want to read the Bible without feeling cynical and angry. I want to feel again, to be passionate about something instead of this dullness that has so long taken over my heart.
People around me think I'm amazing. They think my life is so perfect. That I'm so strong and spiritual. But they don't know what lurks in the dark recesses of my soul. I long to bring it to light, to be rid of it and all the pain it has caused. But it isn't my sin, my story to tell. It is the story of others who have broken promises and forced me to keep secrets too heavy to bear. I have fought for life and love for so long alone.
But now....something is different. If I can, for a moment, set aside my fear and anger, I can see light and joy. My soul feels lighter but I'm still afraid of embracing it. Afraid it'll vanish yet again and I'll be left to struggle along...again. Maybe staying dull is better than hoping and longing only to hurt again.
But no. I must acknowledge Him and His Presense in my life, even if I can't feel it. There are roots in my heart that the Enemy of my soul can't pull out; promises engraved in the pages of my life story that cannot be ignored. If He is the God of redemption, than my time is coming.
"Out of the depths I have cried to you, Oh Lord!
Lord, hear my voice!
I wait for the Lord,
My soul waits,
And in His word I do hope;
My soul waits for the Lord more than those who watch for the morning...
Oh, Israel, hope in the Lord!
For with the Lord there is mercy,
And with Him is abundant redemption."
~From Psalm 130