Last week when I posted my honest and rather awkward thoughts on the matter of emotional purity and courtship, I had no idea what was going to come of it. The response was overwhelming. I knew that these teachings needed to be addressed, but you, my readers, have confirmed these things in my mind.
While most of you agreed, even expressed similar brokeness, there are still some that think I'm exgaggerating, or over-reacting. Most of these dissenters are young parents who desperately want the best for their children. Or they are young girls, who are still being fed these lies and empty promises of life, who don't want to let go of them.
So allow me, for one post, to share the experience of others. Others who have "been there done that". Others who are the results and the fruits of teachings that we are only beginning to see come to fruition. Others who have thus far been afraid to speak up, thinking that there must be something wrong with them, thinking that they are alone in their dysfunction. Let their words and their hearts give weight to what I have written this far and will write in the future.
From my blog comments (emphasis mine):
"It honestly goes a lot deeper than I let most people know. Like, last night, while talking to my fiance, I mentioned how some people gave me grief for holding hands with him last fall, when we'd been going out for nearly a year. He couldn't believe it. Getting flack like that totally didn't surprise me; it's that sort of thing, though, that has made me second-guess and question myself very often during our relationship...I'm still trying to figure it all out. *sigh* For instance, to this day, I don't have ANY guy friends at all, aside from my fiance. Good girls aren't supposed to, you know. I'm not even sure I could have a friendship of any great depth with another guy, not because of my fiance, but because it's so entrenched in me that friendships with guys is wrong."
"Dysfunction? It took me ten years to figure out how to show a guy I liked him, and I still don't quite know how to be a sister to my brothers-in-law."
"I have been happily married for almost 10 years and still feel as though I have to give side hugs to my male friends at church. Sad, but true...this teaching makes you feel as though you must always be alert...never letting your guard down towards the opposite sex."
"Now in my later 20's and married, I still find myself incapable of knowing how to have relationships with other guys. I don't know how to be a *normal friend* to my brother-in-laws, hubby's buddies, or any men other than my husband. It's a sad struggle. "
"About a year ago, I became involved in a relationship with my best friend. Since then, I've heard more on the topic of emotional purity and "I love you" being defrauding than I've ever heard before! It's been really hard, hearing these things from my dad, and trying to figure out where my path needs to be....I'm afraid to care, I'm unable to show affection, it seems to be wrong... I haunted by doubts of "what if this isn't the 'right one'? I'm ruining myself for whoever my husband will be." etc..."
"I feel as if I could have been the one to write this post --everything you had to say mirrored my own life so closely. I am definitely on your same road to recovery. The biggest aspect of my own journey which you did not mention in yours is that all of those terrible ideas (which I'm still fighting!) also lead one to a great deal of suspicion. I am trying to take little baby steps toward *gasp* having some semblance of friendships with MALES (which is hard enough --it still feels so wrong)...."
"As a homeschooled guy who got caught up in the S. M. Davis style of this teaching for a while, I can attest that it's not just the women who are scarred by this mentality."
"I'm a young man, and I'm glad that there are WOMEN that realize that this is all a bunch of crap, too....I adopted the mindset on my own as a late teen, thinking that I was going "that one extra step" and being a Good Christian. My (ex) girlfriend and I patted ourselves on the back for trying to have such a Godly relationship....There's also the obvious fact that much of what a Godly man will find attractive about a woman IS her heart. We're taught how the woman on the INSIDE matters, far more than mere physical appearance. Yet women are taught to guard their hearts and share as little of themselves as possible. I wonder who thought THAT one up ...Why would I knowingly, willingly, enter into a relationship with a girl who refused to allow herself to feel any affection for me, and, should either of us "drop the ball" and her actually begin to feel some, refuse to express it to me? That is so saturated with stupidity that it's astounding... We men are taught that it is our sole responsibility to pursue women while they more or less sit back and play mysterious, hard-to-get, revealing as little of themselves as possible and hiding their heart from us..."
"i love what you said about other men. I have been feeling that, and not knowing WHY I have such a hard time being comfortable around other happily married, fun guys. Who just like to visit, who like me as a friend, who flirt a little. I am such a prude! ROFL I am having a hard time loosening up ... even saying that, my first reaction it ... harlot! OMG .... I need brain surgery :P"
From personal friends:
"The whole courtship/betrothal idea definitely had some negative effects for me. It enabled my fear of guys to stay hidden under the guise of "I'm not supposed to talk to guys." As a result, I have had only about 3 guy friends since I entered my teens (I'm in my 30s now), but even those relationships are very difficult for me to feel comfortable with.... It caused me to be far too judgmental of potential friends. If they ever wanted to talk about boyfriends or hanging out with guy friends, I shunned them. It created tension in my extended family because I was afraid to acknowledge when my cousins had a boyfriend or girlfriend. I wound up shunning them too, assuming they wouldn't want to talk to me if they had a boyfriend or girlfriend with them. I believed that I knew the only Godly way to have relationships. I was very critical and proud and fearful and totally dysfunctional. I am trying to learn how to have good relationships, but it is very hard because of all the "rules" that keep screaming at me in my head when I try." ~Sharon"It still scares me to be alone with a guy. My best bet at describing my feelings when I happen to be alone with someone who happens to be male would probably be a quote from All About Steve - something about "Thank you for not raping me." It still scares me to have any sort of friendly banter with a guy especially if he is married. I am afraid he, his wife, or someone else will think I am like being inappropriate or having an affair with him or something. It is so stupid....I sometimes despair of ever having a romantic relationship. I am scared of men - even awkward around the ones I would trust with my life. I don't know how to act normal around them.....In short, "courtship", and therefore my parent's feelings of entitlement to control of any romantic relationships I might have, has robbed me of ever having normal friendships or normal romantic relationship(s). No matter how much I work at it or how much I heal, there will still be those voices telling me, 'Your boyfriend is trying to seduce you by holding your hand, or caring about you and your heart. If he isn't excited about doing everything your parents want him to and being whoever they want him to be, then he just wants sex. He doesn't love you...you are seducing him by actually trusting him when he has earned it or by dressing in something cute...you should trust your parents - even though they have never earned it and have broken it time and again - over any young man no matter how 'trustworthy'. You are not smart enough, good enough, wise enough, etc etc to EVER know what is good for you. Don't ever trust a suitor, and for heaven's sake, for sure don't trust what you have seen, heard, and experienced for yourself!'" ~ Sophie"I grew up with boys. My best friends as a kid were my brothers. At a young age, I figured out boys were better friends than girls: they weren't catty. Overall, I've had a pretty good relationship with boys, until my dad kept telling me the only thing on guys' minds was sex (nothing else), that I shouldn't talk to boys, etc. Somehow I even got the impression I was supposed to evaluate every guy I met to see if he met the husband criteria. When I got older, I wasn't allowed alone with any boys except my brothers..."in real life", when I'm alone with guys (except my husband, but even alone with my brother in law), I can't help but wonder if he's going to try to take advantage of me or something. It's hard for me to relax in the company of guys (unless like my husband is there or other people) because of how much my dad ingrained in me that guys were only after sex." ~ Anne"Because of the dating advice (actually, advice not to date) I got in the books I was reading in my teens, including IKDG (I Kissed Dating Goodbye), I never pursued two men I fell in love with (four years apart)... I actively pushed each one away with all I was worth. Why? Because they didn't meet my 'checklists' of what I wanted in a mate. And I can tell you unequivocally, I wish I had pursued those relationships. I am happy that I 'gave them a piece of my heart' (though I was trying desperately not to and repenting and begging God's forgiveness for it because I thought it was emotional adultery!); what hurts is that I never had the closure that comes with working through a relationship. I never had the closure of breaking up because I never let the relationship start to begin with....And personally, I would like an apology. I, like many others, cannot go back and undo the damage caused by believing this garbage. It's not just Josh's fault. It's the fault of every other author and pastor who preached it, it's the fault of our parents for not alleviating us of the misconception, it's our own faults for not having the courage or whatever it is to challenge what we ourselves believe - for the latter I feel deep regret." ~Rebecca
"My first boyfriend was a casualty of courtship madness. Dad didn't like him, he had someone else in mind, so he stepped in and told the guy to stay away from me. The separation seriously hurt the boy... I became seriously depressed and anorexic after the whole mess. I swore off men until my husband came along. I hate what he had to go through to marry me. Dad made our lives as miserable as he could only agreeing at the last minute to walk me down the aisle. I wish he hadn't because he was still so hostile. I felt guilty for years that I couldn't trust God to change Dad and smooth things out so our marriage was a joyful event. It's not a good memory. I felt like a rebel. Like I was turning my back on God because Dad didn't approve. Damn courtship. Dad enjoyed the power it gave him over me as an adult. Ultimately it failed, but in the process everyone involved was badly hurt." ~ Maia
"I felt like a harlot compared to all the girls who were also into this teaching. In fact, the first time I ever attended their meeting, several of them came up to me and asked if I was saved....yeah, I got the vibe, from the girls and guys, that I needed a good washing from the inside out...It seemed to me that they tagged me as more of a rebel of purity than they were...the guys were weeding out for the purest most spiritual and marriage worthy girl to marry & I didn't fit that profile." ~ Lolly
"My dad was a big fan of Elisabeth Elliot's and Josh Harris' books. He made all of the teens he worked with read through them. Then he implemented extremely strict rules to keep everyone from "cluttering" friendships with bad emotional history. His and my mom's experience in college and highschool served as the example for everyone: how dating ruined friendships and broke up the chance of meaningful fellowship because of baggage. My brother was discouraged from dancing because you had to "touch girls" and it would be a defrauding situation for him. I was not allowed to talk with older guys because my dad said they were trying to manipulate me and I was too young/impressionable. I have been able to drop a lot of the fundamentals of what I was taught/indoctrinated in/brainwashed with in my second relationship. Breaking up with my first "crush" made me feel like total s**t for the longest time. I was on Elisabeth Elliot's "second-hand-goods table" and there was no hope for me. This time around I have been working really hard on keeping an open mind and implementing only what seems to be a workable idea... at least I try. Every turn I am accosted by the specters of "should" and "must" and big red flashing lights in my mind. I am crossing the pre-determined "boundary lines" of sharing information and time without a "determined" commitment to any authority figure. Hey, we even spent time in a room alone together!!! It is a constant, uphill battle to clear out the mental clutter and go with what I feel is right in my conscience and what works for the situation...." ~DaoHF
"My parents had me read both of Josh Harris's books, as well as Paulsen's Emotional Purity and Wilson's Her Hand in Marriage and a couple others when I was in my mid-teens. And, yeah, it royally screwed up my relationships with girls. For a long time I insisted on awkward side-hugs, thinking that a real, honest-to-goodness front-hug would make me think too much about the girl's breasts, and/or that contact with them would stir up sexual feelings in her ... or maybe just that contact with her breasts would be sexually inappropriate. Mostly I just shook hands. With girls who were good family friends. Finally a particularly bubbly friend who had been away for a while greeted me with a tackling hug, and it just about paralyzed me. When my system rebooted and I ran diagnostics, I realized I wasn't defrauded, and maybe front-hugs weren't so bad. :-P" ~Scottie
"The fear of doing the wrong thing, robbed us of enjoying male/female relationships outside of courtship and robbed us of relational enjoyment through our own courtship, rather than enjoying the process that God created to be enjoyable. Purity was turned into such an idol that I had to repent with my wife before God that we had given purity higher value than married sex, and attached shame to something God had said was good." ~ J.
"I first ran into the emotional purity concept in high school, from friends, magazines, and books within the homeschool culture. To my early teen mind, it made sense: protect myself and the magical prince charming will arrive, ready to receive my pure heart. But I didn't see how this influence was confusing my ideas about interaction with any guys I knew. The strong emphasis on avoiding "giving my heart away" made me see every guy as a "potential". He had the potential to take away my purity if I developed any feelings for him. This created a cycle of paranoia that left me unable to relax, have fun, and develop normal friendships. Rather than protecting my innocence, I think emotional purity took away from the carefree innocence I should have had as a teen. Instead of laughing off a crush, it was a guilty experience that was only made more serious by my confused conscience. It wasn't until I got to college and suddenly saw normal interaction everywhere around me that I was able to appreciate and learn to have friends who were just that - friends." ~Amy
"I have issues with the idea and concept of courtship as defined by Josh Harris, et all...that involves and puts more emphasis on the parents than the couple. By issues I mean, I completely totally, and utterly disagree with the idea that parents should have any right at all to inherently control/have input (that is actually demands)/ orchestrate the entire process. Because this takes away the responsibility from the two people who are actually going to have to live with the consequences of the decisions made and puts it on people who think they have "their best interests at heart" and perhaps they do, but they do not know their kids better than their kids know themselves. Not to mention this ROBS these young adults of an experience - a right of passage - it robs them of the GROWTH into healthy adults that happens and NEEDS TO HAPPEN in relationships. It tries to take away any mistakes and ends up causing MORE damage in maturity than saving of heartache. This idea and process as I've experienced and read in Boy Meets Girl (Mike Farris anyone?) is wrong....I'm not talking about irresponsible 14 year olds here, I'm talking about young adults old enough to date and make their own decisions. Adults have no right whatsoever to control or manipulate other adults in anything and especially not romantic relationships. Those are hard enough of a learning curve on their own without parental-rights-we're-older-so-obey-crap adding to it. I am however completely for parents giving advice if it is sought, and if they have problems, respectfully communicating that to the couple and leaving it in the couple's hands and not interfering after that. The line is crossed when "courtship" becomes a wooing of parents and fight for control rather than two people on a journey learning and making decisions that will affect the rest of their lives." ~Hannah
"My family had been "non-dating minded" since I was a little girl. At first the fairy-tale loving side of me resisted, but as I grew older and encountered the same mindset among others, I accepted it, along with its emphasis on emotional purity. Consequently, I was terrified to even strike up a conversation with a guy during my teen years. I remember a few well-adjusted guys who treated me in a friendly manner, but those interactions were very rare, and I never knew how to respond.
When I was 17, I attended a conference by a well-known betrothal guru. He outlined the steps two betrothal-minded families should take if God revealed that two young people should marry. As I recall, it went something like this: If God revealed it to one of the dads, they were to approach the other dad. If he revealed it to a mom, she was to approach her husband. If he revealed it to the son, he was to approach his father. And with a laugh he finished, "And if God reveals it to the daughter, she should be quiet and wait for God to tell someone else." Shortly afterward I believed God told me who I'd marry. It's a long story, but basically I had noticed this guy for awhile. However, it would have been "forward" to strike up a friendship, and "sinful/impure" to feel attracted to anyone, much less to admit I had a full-blown crush. So in order to rationalize my feelings, I convinced myself that they meant God was revealing him to me as my future husband.
In obedience to Mr. Betrothal Guru, I said nothing to anyone, but kept this belief close to my heart for about two years. I waited patiently for God to reveal this to someone else, waiting on a miracle, since my family had moved and no longer had any contact with the young man. Finally the burden became too heavy for me to bear and I just had to confide in someone, so I told my parents that I believed God had told me who I was going to marry. They liked the guy and weren't opposed to the idea, but it never occurred to them that this could just be an overblown crush. Their daughters didn't have crushes, because crushes were impure and ungodly. In my mind, we were as good as engaged. I didn't know how it would happen, but I was certain that it would. A few months later we heard that the guy I liked was engaged to someone else. It's a huge understatement to say I was devastated. I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown as I cried for weeks, trying to accept the fact that the guy had "missed it" so completely and forced us both to settle for "second best." Finally I was able to face the fact that I had taken a perfectly normal teenage crush and rationalized it as "God's voice" so that I would not have to feel guilty about feeling attraction toward a guy. That is when I finally began to heal.
Looking back I am absolutely amazed that I couldn't see this from the beginning. And it grieves me that I basically wasted two years of my life praying and waiting, with such devastation at the end. I could have avoided so much drama, obsession, and heartbreak if I had simply been able to admit to myself that I liked a guy. But I couldn't do that. In my belief system, liking a guy was sin." ~ Grace
"As a teen, my parents would pray with me that I would save my heart for a man who was saving his heart for me. I saved it. Now I don't know what to do with it. As an adult, I pray that my first kiss will come before my thirtieth birthday. My next birthday is my twenty-ninth." ~Anon.
These are stories of brokeness by real people. There are many more where these came from. But this is not the end of the story. Because with great pain and mistakes comes healing and learning. Redemption is happening all around us, all the time. God is giving back the years that the locust have eaten. Confession is the beginning of healing; acknowleging the lies, the genesis of transformation. We know now what is wrong. But what then is right? What is the solution? How to encourage people who are fighting for healing and truth in their lives?
I leave you with encouragement from my friend, Rebecca. Listen to the words of one who has been there and back again:
"1. Love as many people as possible. Give away as many pieces of your heart as possible. Love your friends and acquaintances - not just in a so-called 'agape' altruistic way, but really invest in, care about, desire them... The more people we love the fuller and richer our lives get. As C.S. Lewis says,
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
2. The key is to not harden your heart when it gets broken. Your heart will get broken, no doubt about that. The more you love, the more your heart will break. The test of character is how you respond to it. Do you continue to bravely love and reach out to new loving relationships? Or do you climb into a shell, bury your heart in a casket as Lewis says? IMO IKDG is 'casket' mentality. It's the wrong response to a challenge. As the Bible says: "There is no fear in love. Perfect love casts out fear." And with Christ we have an infinite fountain of love to draw on and share.
3. If you fall in love, pursue it, no matter how 'wrong' the guy seems to be for you. Chase it for all it is worth. (Except: do it in a healthy, boundary-conscious way.) If it is not the relationship God intends for you to have, you will fall out of love. This is true! This is what the books for some reason ignore. If it's an unhealthy relationship and you are committed to developing a healthy relationship, the relationship will end. If there are irreconcilable differences, these will cool your heals. But if you are in love you must try and see if you can form that healthy relationship, if you can work through differences. That way you can find out for sure if it is not meant to be - rather than going based on probability.
I think the pain of heartbreak is exactly what motivates IKDG and every mother who loves the book.
And the pain of heartbreak isn't just a poor motivator.
Fleeing it is outright wrong.
Heartbreak is something we need to brave to be alive, human, Christian.
Heartbreak is part of being in God's image. All of creation groans until it is united with him and God yearns to be united with us. The tragedy of sin is the rend it creates in our relationship with God - our separation from him breaks his heart. This is why the cross was worthwhile to Him. If we are to imitate Christ, we cannot avoid heartbreak. Christ courageously loved us despite knowing in advance that his heart would be broken...
And honestly, how would we feel about Christ and God if he never really loved us and it never really pained him that we didn't love him back?"
Be sure to read
Emotional Purity and Courtship, A Conclusion.
