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Sunday, January 22, 2012

A Letter to My Friends

Hello, poor neglected little blog. :) A lot's been going on in my life lately that's made me completely neglect my writing here. The biggest: baby number 4 is on the way and making my life more miserable than I've ever experienced. I know that he/she will be worth it, but for now, puking, sleeping, and trying to take decent care of my other children is consuming all my time. Hopefully I'll get the urge to write something interesting one of these days. Until then, I thought I'd post this letter I recently sent out to all my friends and family on Facebook. Hopefully it will be an encouragement to you all and help you in your own journey toward authentic, genuine life. It was my biggest "coming out" moment yet. And so freeing!


A Letter to My Friends

There is a lot of angst among my friends these days, in real life and the communites I frequent online. The problem: me, apparently. Many people have expressed concern about my spiritual walk. They seem to see me on a slippery slope to the hot place. (Or, if they're Reformed, a slipperly slope to skidding into heaven smelling like smoke. Wood, hay and stubble and all that. Like I might be the exception to the eternal security of believers. ;)) I hear the rumblings and rumors. "We don't know about that Darcy....she's flirting with apostacy or something." I hear words like "heresy" thrown around a lot. I'm getting a lot of "concerned" messages by people who think they understand enough to judge the state of my soul.

But let me be real here for a moment. Let me give you a glimpse into my heart and my journey. Then if you still wish to judge me, go right ahead. At least you'll be getting your information from the source and not rumors or fear of the unknown.

I am not throwing away my faith. Not gonna happen. As much as I've been angry at God, have questioned Him and questioned my beliefs, one thing remains: I know Him. He is the constant in my life of insecurites and chaos. I believe Jesus is the Word, the Logos, of God. I have many friends who have rejected Jesus or God or Christianity but that's their journey. It isn't mine so stop judging me based on your fear that that will be my journey as well. It is an unfounded fear.

I have been, in the last 10 years, completely turning every belief I was raised with up-side down and inside out. I have thrown out so many beliefs because let's be honest here. I was taught some crappy stuff as a kid and a teen. I believed a lot of stupidity back then. I take full responsibility for every wrong belief I held, and it's because I take full responsibility that I no longer hold most of those beliefs. This is not a personal thing against my parents, teachers, or friends that still hold many of those beliefs. It is just my personal journey of examining everything, throwing out the bad, and trying desparately to hold onto the good. Do not be offended if I throw out a belief that you are still holding onto.

Can you listen to my heart, my friends, for a moment? I've lost faith in church as we know it. I'm disillusioned with American Christianity. I value relationship over religion and religion has been ruining relationships for me. I walk into a church and come out feeling like something is very wrong. Conservative churches are too uptight, too rigid, too fear and shame-based. Modern churches are very fake. I don't do fake. But within these church structures are good people, awesome people, and I'm trying to figure out how to be in relationship with these people without conforming to the insitution of "church". Because that institution is killing my soul. The church was always meant to be an organic body of people who are defined and recognized by their love for others. Not a building where we go to "do church". Not a mission statement or a deacon board or a congregational meeting or budgets or programs or membership classes or the perfect worship team. I walk into most churches and I see a business. I am not satisfied with that. If you are, great. That's where you're at and I'm glad you're happy. Don't judge me because I'm not.

I now hold a lot of so-called "unorthodox" Christian beliefs. Yet they're not really that unorthodox. They're been around and held by fellow believers for centuries. I don't know what people are so afraid of. The three main beliefs I hold that get people's panties in a wad these days are Preterism, Egalitarianism, and Old Earth Creationism. I've held to Preterism for a good 12 years now. So don't act like it's some new kick I'm on. I no longer believe in male headship or hierarchal authority structure in God's economy. Men are women are completely equal in God's kingdom, in position and function. This riles a lot of peole but I don't get why. Why should it matter to you that I believe women are free to use the gifts God gave us? How does that threaten you enough to proclaim me on a slipperly slope to hell? Really? I'm no extreme feminist. I don't believe women are better than men. I believe in true equality. I believe that is what Jesus came to restore after mankind messed it up so badly. Does it really threaten you that my husband and I respect each other as equals? That neither of us seeks to be "over" the other? That we're teaching our kids not to conform to the confines that people want to place them under? That we use the Golden Rule and the "one-another" passages of the Bible under which to operate our relationship? If you want to have a "head" and a "submissive" in your relationship, that's your choice. We chose differently.

So I no longer believe the world is 6,000 years old. I interpret Genesis different than you, as have many of our fellow-believers for centuries. Only recently have christians decided this was an affront to the gospel. Only recently have Christians decided that one is saved by Jesus plus a belief in a young earth. I reject that. But if you reject my status as "true christian" because I think the world is millions of years old, that is not my problem. I will still love you. I will still desire relationship with you. Because I don't think it matters whether the earth is 6,000 or 6,000,000,000 years old. YOU, my friends, matter more to me than this.

There's a lot of people like me out there. We're the ones condemned by the church for questioning the status quo. We're the ones who seem lost, who often feel lost, because we can't reconcile what we've seen and experienced with cheap Christian "answer's" and cliches. Because our Christian friends are more concerned about their religion than our relationship. We are branded "rebels" and looked at as threats. The very worst thing you can do for us is to judge our hearts and dismiss our questions. To tell us we "just don't like what God has to say" and are just "rebelling against Him". If you want the questioning ones to run as far away from you as possible, go ahead and do these things. But if you want to restore our dwindling faith in Christianity and strengthen our faith in God, then come alongside us and just love. Trust that God will finish what He started and you don't have to be the Holy Spirit in our lives. He's got that covered. You can help, or you can hinder.

I don't pretend to know it all or have it all together. I will never pretend to be something I'm not. I think what matters more than these issues that people are using to reject me is love. You can know all doctrine and understand all mysteries, but if you have no love none of that matters. I would never question your salvation based on whether you believe women and men are equals or the earth is young or old. I would never reject your friendship or treat you like you're ignorant. All I ask is that you do the same for me.

You people know me. Many of you have known me for a very long time. You've watched me grow up and mature, get married, have kids, and walk my journey. Some of you have walked it with me. You know me well enough to know that every decision I make was carefully thought out and considered. You know I don't just wake up one day and decide to believe one thing or another. Give me the benefit of the doubt that I know where I'm going and what I believe and can defend those beliefs just as well as you can defend yours. Stop telling me I'm "throwing out scripture" or "cherry-picking" because that just shows your ignorance of me and your fear of what you don't understand. If you want to know why I believe what I believe, stop name-calling and judging and just ask me. If you are more concerned about my soul than your paradigm that is threatened by my beliefs, then you will care enough to ask me. But if you'd rather just judge my heart and condemn my soul, or walk away from relationship with me, that's your choice. I am sorry for you, but it's your choice.

I love you all. If you're reading this, it's because I've formed a relationship with you and respect you. I know that most of you care about me very much. So I want to tell you all once and for all.....don't worry about me. I am passionate about my relationship with Jesus, I will never stop pursuing truth, and I will fight for the relationships I have with the people I love. I will be gentle with you on your journey and love you for who you are. Can you do the same for me? If you're truly concerned for my soul, can you come to me and talk about it? Can we talk through these things without judging each other's walk? Can you be my friend instead of playing god in my life?
Under much grace,

"Who are you to judge another's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. Indeed, he will be made to stand, for God is able to make him stand." Rom. 14:4

"Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day." 2 Tim. 1:12


  1. Congratulations on the impending arrival. I hope you'll be feeling better soon.

    If God can't handle our questions, our doubts, our reservations about the people **around** us and not understand that those questions are not necessarily about HIM, but about what others have been putting into our heads, then He isn't the God I'm particularly interested in getting to know.

  2. So glad to hear from you again, and congratulations on the coming baby. I hope you feel better soon. :)
    Your letter is wonderful. I don't believe in a 6,000 year old earth either; it's just not something I honestly care about enough to discuss with people. So what?
    I love hearing you say that your faith is still going to stick even through the questions. That's exactly how I feel. I see some people throwing away belief in God, but I know Him. Not as much as I'd like to, and I'm still not convinced that I fully understand the REAL Him, but He's there and I can't pretend He's not. And I know I'll meet Him someday, and I think He's going to smile and welcome me home.

  3. Congratulations on number 4, who is just as special and wonderful as numbers 1, 2, and 3. This is so exciting!!

    Love this letter, and you. <3

  4. Wow....I'm sure that was VERY freeing. :) Good for you. I'm not able to be quite as blunt (privately I can but not publicly) b/c my husband is not coming with me on this journey away from my previous, inherited belief system. It has drawn me into Catholicism (my parents were Protestant missionaries to a Catholic country) and this is VERY hard for many to accept. I've had a few of the same issues...always have, really, and it wasn't until 2 years ago that I began to discover that what I believe is much closer to Catholicism than anything else. And because I NEED church in my life :), that is where I am. *Wonderful* parish, wonderful priest. But I am there alone. It hurts. I struggled with the egalitarian question but the Church is firmly what I call 'complegalitarian'(equal in dignity, complementary in function) and I've decided I can live with that b/c the emphasis is on the equality in dignity. My personhood, my individuality, my responsiblities and freedoms before the Lord, are very much respected and valued. The creation issue...I thought my husband would have a coronary...he is firmly YEC. LOL. And other things such as corporal punishment, yeah, I'm thinking outside the Independent Baptist homeschooling box.... it's put some stress on the marriage, but it was under a huge amount of stress anyway what with my suppressing my true opinions and questions. I think it will be ok. Hubs is a reasonable man and he loves me. But he's been under a lot of pressure to stifle me. I'm sure he wants to...hahaha! But he hasn't. My problem now is I have older children who have accepted the indoctrination of our earlier days and I'm afraid for them. I don't wish them to believe as I do, but I do want them to be free to think and decide for themselves. And they're not real happy with me right now either. So I just pray, and try to be the best mom I can be. Blessings!!!!!

  5. This letter was so heartfelt, thank you! I can relate to so much of what you said. I was brought up with "you must believe in YEC or else you can't believe the rest of the Bible." I have a new phrase: "the Bible is not a science book." I was also told that women could never be in leadership positions such as a pastor but it was okay for them to be teachers, if the men were there willingly and I thought: how is that different from being a pastor?? I have also recently questioned the "end times" scenario I was taught but I don't claim to know anything more than Jesus promised to return. I too recently wrote a post on what faith means to me. Guess you could call me a conservative Christian with different viewpoints and questions...ha does that go together?
    Congratulations on the pregnancy, may God bless you with a healthy pregnancy and baby.

  6. thanks for this, Darcy. i wish i could send it to a few people...

  7. That was...amazing. It's as though you have written down MY thoughts exactly!!
    I didn't even write this, and yet it was freeing for me!!
    Thank you for sharing this :-)

  8. What a great post! Thanks for your transparency. I was also raised Independent Baptist (usually with more emphasis on the Independent part) and as I have journeyed through life have discarded much of what I was taught. I am so glad that Jesus calls us to BE with Him, to journey with Him, to to grab a label and wear it like a chip on our shoulder. Love trumps all - as you said. Every time I try to stick God in one of my neat little boxes, he comes up behind me and says, "Hey - Whatcha got in the box?" Kind of like Indiana Jones in The Last Crusade after he goes over the cliff and his companions are all thinking he is gone forever. May God continue to reveal Himself to you in a personal, real, vibrant way as you walk with Him!

  9. Thank you. I feel like I could have written these words myself. My parents were involved in Gothardism in the early 80s until one day they kind of looked at each other and said, "Why are we taking marriage amd parenting advice from someone who has never been married or had kids?" They've been on a journey to reclaim their faith ever since. I've been very religious and very non-religious over my journey. Don't want to shed the basic belief system, but I don't buy the whole enchiladia anymore.

  10. I just asked my husband to read what you had written. He looked at me and said, "this sounds like you could have written it"
    Thanks for putting into clear words what I ramble about.....

  11. Wow. Thank you so much for writing this. Whew, during so many parts I wanted to stand up and scream "YES!!" because somebody else gets what I am going through!!! It is so painful to have people question my motives and my love for God and commitment to Scripture, because I feel like it's my relationship with God that is CAUSING me to question previous assumptions and find true freedom!! Thank you for sharing your journey with so many of us. Also, I don't know if you read Rachel Held Evan's blog, but I think you would appreciate it and love it as much as I do www.rachelheldevans.com. Blessings!

  12. Hi Darcy! I'm Micah Martin's wife, and my goodness I am absolutely blown away by your blog....by this post especially. You put into words what I have been feeling for however many years we have been re-examining everything we had ever been taught. It feels so lonely at times, and we don't "fit" anywhere it seems. I crave that organic worship that must be out there somewhere! Thank you for writing so eloquently but with such rawness. I browsed around on your blog months ago and was just linked back here tonight. I'm so thankful for that and will check back in regularly!


    1. Hello, Becky! :) Someday we will really have to meet you know. I think our families would have tons of fun together!! Glad you're enjoying the blog.