On Homeschoolers, Stories, and Dismissal

I'm not gonna lie, this is going to be harsh. I'm angry and frustrated and exasperated, and this post is the result of that. So don't come on to my comments and tell me how angry and emotional I am, Captain Obvious.

I was homeschooled. (I know, duh, right?) Most of my friends past and present were all homeschooled. Thanks to the internet, I have made connections with thousands of homeschoolers from all over the U.S. and Canada and a few other countries, some of whom I knew once in a former life, some I've never met though our stories sound the same. They are my cohort, they get me, we all grew up in this weird sub-culture that was varied yet similar. We are adults with careers, families, and lives. We have stories and we're telling them. Those of us who were lucky are standing in solidarity with those that were not. We are trying to get people to understand something complex and difficult, something most of us have had to wrestle with for years. To understand what went wrong when so many just wanted better for their families.

But many people aren't listening. Worse, they are trying to completely invalidate our stories.

People in our generation that either weren't homeschooled or they were homeschooled well, without all the crap that so many of us experienced aren't taking us seriously. People in our parent's generation treat us like children to be disregarded, discredited, and outright denied our stories and pain.

"Well, you're just bitter."
"You just want to rebel against your parents and God." (side note: how old do I have to be before I'm not "rebelling against my parents" anymore? And what happens if my parents now agree with me?)
"You don't have a spirit of gratefulness for everything your parents sacrificed for you."
"You should be honoring your parents not speaking badly about them!"
"Most homeschoolers aren't like that."
"Don't go from one extreme to another."
"Your abuse has nothing to do with homeschooling."
"How dare you link homeschooling with abuse!"

If you want examples of this, just go browse through the comments on posts on Homeschoolers Anonymous. The outrage and disbelief and dismissal is thick enough to slice with a knife. People comment in indignation on HA's Facebook page about the content of the articles printed there. "How dare you misrepresent homeschooling like this?!" (Because people telling their true life stories are obviously diabolically "misrepresenting" homeschooling.) These people don't care about the very real faces behind those stories. They only care that the image of Almightly Homeschooling is preserved intact while the inside rots in darkness and filth and brokenness because, oh, we don't want to talk about those things.....we only want to see the nice, pretty stuff. Nothing bad ever happens in Homeschool Land! Well fuck that shit. That's the 
attitude that CREATED these stories and these broken lives and we are all so over it. 

If you weren't homeschooled, don't tell me my experiences aren't valid. You have no idea what you're talking about any more than I would have any idea about things like prom, sports teams, or high school cliques. Don't tell my friends that the abuse they suffered had nothing to do with homeschooling. You don't know that. You have no idea the complexity that is abuse in homeschooling families. And if you're from my generation and are enthusiastically homeschooling your own kids, then it's even more crucial that you listen to people that grew up homeschooled. I don't see why you wouldn't want to. We lived the way you've chosen for your kids. We can tell you what we liked and didn't like, what worked for us and what didn't, which roads led to a cliff and how to avoid those. We're like this totally awesome resource that you can utilize yet the main reaction we seem to get from you these days is disdain and dismissal. You might want to rethink that. I pay rapt attention to people who were public-schooled so I know the pros and cons and what to watch out for with my own children. It's just common sense.

If you're a former homeschooling parent from our parents' generation, don't sit on your high horse and condemn your children for telling their stories. Don't deny their pain because you're too much of a coward to look into your own life and see how you caused it. Don't tell them not to speak badly of you when you acted badly toward them. Shut up about how much you sacrificed for them when they're bravely trying to explain that you hurt them. Just fucking listen for a change.  "But we were good parents!" you say. No, no you weren't. If you're telling your adult children to stop talking, that "it wasn't that bad" and denying their pain, you're shitty parents. I can't even imagine defending myself if one of my kids told me I hurt them. But then, I'm under no illusion that I'm better than they are or that my reputation matters more than their pain. Stop treating them as errant children. They are the age you were when you decided to homeschool them.

An entire generation of homeschoolers have grow up and they are telling their stories, the good, bad, and ugly. Most of us have lived our whole lives under crushing standards, expectations, and facades, and we are done. So done pretending. There a lot of successes and a shitload of failures that came from the conservative homeschooling movement and we will talk about all of them. Because information is power, empowering the next generation to help avoid the awful parts of ours. They NEED to know what went wrong, from the perspective of the guinea pigs. We alone can tell that part of the story, paint that part of the picture, speak from the very darkest places in our hearts about the parts that went so desperately, terribly wrong. What do people think? That we share the worst parts of our stories to billions of strangers on the internet for the heck of it? We share because WE FREAKIN' CARE. We care that others not go through what we did. We care and desperately want to save others from needless pain. This isn't some joyride we all decided to take part of. This shit hurts, and the derision we experience from family and friends is daunting, but staying silent while others suffer is a far worse pain than honestly exposing our own wounds.

Don't come on here and tell me how sorry you are that I had such a bad experience but I can't judge all homeschoolers by my terrible experience and blah blah blah. I didn't have a terrible experience. I was one of the lucky ones. My parents actually gave me a great education and loved us and didn't physcially abuse us, even as they were victims themselves of a spiritually abusive system that judged them as harshly as it judged us. Was I scarred from shit in my past directly related to homeschooling? Yes I was. And that's MY story, much of which I've told on this very blog. But I have sat and listened to hundreds of the stories of my friends who were not so lucky. I have held them as they cried and tried to put the broken pieces of their lives back together. I have written the stories of my friends as tears poured out of my eyes and onto my keyboard. I have heard unspeakable things that NEED to be spoken but no one knows how because they are too hard to face, because no one believed them, because people like you silenced them. I started college last year at 29 years old because my desire to help people heal from abuse is so great I decided to become a therapist so I could really help for the rest of my life.

I am so sick and tired of people trying to silence me and my friends. So let's get one thing straight: We will not be silenced any more. We aren't going away. We've discovered the power of large groups of pissed off people that have a lot in common, that have been silenced and controlled too long. We've found that it only takes one brave person to speak up to allow everyone else to be brave. You can discredit our stories all you like, ignore the frantic warning signs we are holding right in front of your noses, and keep on perpetuating mistakes on your own children. And when they grow up and write blogs like this and this and these, you will only have yourself and your pride to blame. We'll just be here to hug the survivors and give them a place to talk and an understanding ear to listen, and to keep on fighting for people as we've been doing all along.

Redeemed, How I Love To Proclaim It

I've been thinking about redemption lately. The act of God taking something that is wrong and making it right again. Taking what was originally beautiful but made ugly, and making it beautiful again. And I realized, this has been the theme of my life.

I look back on my childhood and grieve for the little girl that didn't want to be a little girl because nobody really thought much of little girls other then that they were cute. I didn't want to be cute...I wanted to be smart and adult and I wanted people to pay attention to my words and thoughts. To notice me. I wish I could go back and tell her just how much she would miss being a little girl; just how precious and loved she was even though she didn't notice.

I look back on my teen years and I hurt for the young lady that was so confused and alone and whose heart was ignored, stuffed, and trampled on. That self-inflicted so many needless heart-wounds, just trying to fit in and be acceptable. Who bent over backwards trying please and just ended up broken anyways. I wish I could go back and tell her to forget the conflicting voices of men and follow God from the very beginning. That her heart wasn't "evil" or "rebellious" and her desires weren't "fleshly". That she needed to find out what was true about herself from God alone, not men.

I look back on the budding young woman, flushed with the newness of love. Conflicted, torn between where she thought God was leading her and what everyone else was saying. Confused because what she'd always thought to be true was turning out to be a man-made paradigm, built from fear and not of God. Being drawn to a man who showed her, for the first time, what unconditional love really meant. I would like to go back and tell her to cling to him and never let go. To forget the years of trying to please others who could not be pleased and to follow God. To not waste those years, with their tumultuous emotions and struggles, and to claim the life she wanted and knew was right.

I look back on the woman who was a new bride, who adored her man and thought he was perfect and just wanted to be the perfect wife for him. Who read untold number of books and tried ridiculous things all in the name of "being a godly wife". Who, when her wonderful man fell from the pedestal she put him on (thus proving he was human after all), almost completely lost herself trying to get him back up there (where he really didn't belong and didn't want to be anyways). Because all the books said if that happened it was her fault for not being good enough. I wish I could go back and tell her that no one is perfect and all those books were crap and should've been burned or used as toilet paper. That her false castle needed to come down so a better, real, more lasting one could be built.

I look back on the tired new mother who thought she had it all figured out....until the babies came. That thought she must somehow get her children to fit the description in the child-training books. And when they didn't, somehow believed that she was a failure and her kids would grow up to be brats and heathens. All the striving to "do it right", the pressure to mold her kids "right", and the feelings of failure when they all just didn't fit the mold. I wish I could go offer her a hand, let her know that her children weren't meant to fit anyone's idea of The Perfect Child. That she was a great mom and the best thing she ever did was give up on know-it-all parenting books (and being a know-it-all parent).

I wonder if the older me will look back on the now me and wish she could tell me not to worry, that it's all going to be OK.That God really does take everything in our lives and weave a beautiful tapestry from it.

Because even as I look back and wish that things could've been different, I can see God's fingerprints all over my life. I can see things that I thought were ugly then, used by Him to make something beautiful now. I can see the shaping, the directing, the love and mercy that surrounded me even though I had no idea it was there. I don't believe for a moment that God "caused" bad things to happen in my life. But I would be blind if I couldn't see how He took those things and turned them around, redeeming them, making them beautiful again. What was intended for evil, God grabbed a hold of, turned it inside-out, and unleashed it for good. I keep wanting to go grab something else from my past and run to Him with it, like a little child, holding my hands open before Him, eagerly asking "This too, God? Can you redeem this too?"


I am amazed. And sometimes, honestly, angry still. Because part of me wonders....did those things really need to happen? Did I really need to suffer that? Couldn't God, if He was really all-powerful, have made my life good without the evil? I don't know. Would I be the person I am today if anything about my past was different? I don't know that either.

But this I know: Redemption. This is about so much more than salvation. This about our lives. This....is everything.

A wise man once said that there was a time and place for every purpose under heaven....the good and the bad. That God makes everything beautiful in its time. I hang on to that with everything I have. I look back and I see it, I look forward and I hope for it. And for now, in the in-between time, I proclaim it. And I marvel.

Redeemed, how I love to proclaim it!
Redeemed by the blood of the Lamb;
Redeemed through His infinite mercy-
His child and forever I am.

Emotional Purity and Courtship, Take 2

Last week when I posted my honest and rather awkward thoughts on the matter of emotional purity and courtship, I had no idea what was going to come of it. The response was overwhelming. I knew that these teachings needed to be addressed, but you, my readers, have confirmed these things in my mind.

While most of you agreed, even expressed similar brokeness, there are still some that think I'm exgaggerating, or over-reacting. Most of these dissenters are young parents who desperately want the best for their children. Or they are young girls, who are still being fed these lies and empty promises of life, who don't want to let go of them.

So allow me, for one post, to share the experience of others. Others who have "been there done that". Others who are the results and the fruits of teachings that we are only beginning to see come to fruition. Others who have thus far been afraid to speak up, thinking that there must be something wrong with them, thinking that they are alone in their dysfunction. Let their words and their hearts give weight to what I have written this far and will write in the future.

From my blog comments (emphasis mine):

"It honestly goes a lot deeper than I let most people know. Like, last night, while talking to my fiance, I mentioned how some people gave me grief for holding hands with him last fall, when we'd been going out for nearly a year. He couldn't believe it. Getting flack like that totally didn't surprise me; it's that sort of thing, though, that has made me second-guess and question myself very often during our relationship...I'm still trying to figure it all out. *sigh* For instance, to this day, I don't have ANY guy friends at all, aside from my fiance. Good girls aren't supposed to, you know. I'm not even sure I could have a friendship of any great depth with another guy, not because of my fiance, but because it's so entrenched in me that friendships with guys is wrong."

"Dysfunction? It took me ten years to figure out how to show a guy I liked him, and I still don't quite know how to be a sister to my brothers-in-law."

"I have been happily married for almost 10 years and still feel as though I have to give side hugs to my male friends at church. Sad, but true...this teaching makes you feel as though you must always be alert...never letting your guard down towards the opposite sex."

"Now in my later 20's and married, I still find myself incapable of knowing how to have relationships with other guys. I don't know how to be a *normal friend* to my brother-in-laws, hubby's buddies, or any men other than my husband. It's a sad struggle. "

"About a year ago, I became involved in a relationship with my best friend. Since then, I've heard more on the topic of emotional purity and "I love you" being defrauding than I've ever heard before! It's been really hard, hearing these things from my dad, and trying to figure out where my path needs to be....I'm afraid to care, I'm unable to show affection, it seems to be wrong... I haunted by doubts of "what if this isn't the 'right one'? I'm ruining myself for whoever my husband will be." etc..."

"I feel as if I could have been the one to write this post --everything you had to say mirrored my own life so closely. I am definitely on your same road to recovery. The biggest aspect of my own journey which you did not mention in yours is that all of those terrible ideas (which I'm still fighting!) also lead one to a great deal of suspicion. I am trying to take little baby steps toward *gasp* having some semblance of friendships with MALES (which is hard enough --it still feels so wrong)...."

"As a homeschooled guy who got caught up in the S. M. Davis style of this teaching for a while, I can attest that it's not just the women who are scarred by this mentality."

"I'm a young man, and I'm glad that there are WOMEN that realize that this is all a bunch of crap, too....I adopted the mindset on my own as a late teen, thinking that I was going "that one extra step" and being a Good Christian. My (ex) girlfriend and I patted ourselves on the back for trying to have such a Godly relationship....There's also the obvious fact that much of what a Godly man will find attractive about a woman IS her heart. We're taught how the woman on the INSIDE matters, far more than mere physical appearance. Yet women are taught to guard their hearts and share as little of themselves as possible. I wonder who thought THAT one up ...Why would I knowingly, willingly, enter into a relationship with a girl who refused to allow herself to feel any affection for me, and, should either of us "drop the ball" and her actually begin to feel some, refuse to express it to me? That is so saturated with stupidity that it's astounding... We men are taught that it is our sole responsibility to pursue women while they more or less sit back and play mysterious, hard-to-get, revealing as little of themselves as possible and hiding their heart from us..."

"i love what you said about other men. I have been feeling that, and not knowing WHY I have such a hard time being comfortable around other happily married, fun guys. Who just like to visit, who like me as a friend, who flirt a little. I am such a prude! ROFL I am having a hard time loosening up ... even saying that, my first reaction it ... harlot! OMG .... I need brain surgery :P"

From personal friends:

"The whole courtship/betrothal idea definitely had some negative effects for me. It enabled my fear of guys to stay hidden under the guise of "I'm not supposed to talk to guys." As a result, I have had only about 3 guy friends since I entered my teens (I'm in my 30s now), but even those relationships are very difficult for me to feel comfortable with.... It caused me to be far too judgmental of potential friends. If they ever wanted to talk about boyfriends or hanging out with guy friends, I shunned them. It created tension in my extended family because I was afraid to acknowledge when my cousins had a boyfriend or girlfriend. I wound up shunning them too, assuming they wouldn't want to talk to me if they had a boyfriend or girlfriend with them. I believed that I knew the only Godly way to have relationships. I was very critical and proud and fearful and totally dysfunctional. I am trying to learn how to have good relationships, but it is very hard because of all the "rules" that keep screaming at me in my head when I try." ~Sharon

"It still scares me to be alone with a guy. My best bet at describing my feelings when I happen to be alone with someone who happens to be male would probably be a quote from All About Steve - something about "Thank you for not raping me." It still scares me to have any sort of friendly banter with a guy especially if he is married. I am afraid he, his wife, or someone else will think I am like being inappropriate or having an affair with him or something. It is so stupid....I sometimes despair of ever having a romantic relationship. I am scared of men - even awkward around the ones I would trust with my life. I don't know how to act normal around them.....In short, "courtship", and therefore my parent's feelings of entitlement to control of any romantic relationships I might have, has robbed me of ever having normal friendships or normal romantic relationship(s). No matter how much I work at it or how much I heal, there will still be those voices telling me, 'Your boyfriend is trying to seduce you by holding your hand, or caring about you and your heart. If he isn't excited about doing everything your parents want him to and being whoever they want him to be, then he just wants sex. He doesn't love you...you are seducing him by actually trusting him when he has earned it or by dressing in something cute...you should trust your parents - even though they have never earned it and have broken it time and again - over any young man no matter how 'trustworthy'. You are not smart enough, good enough, wise enough, etc etc to EVER know what is good for you. Don't ever trust a suitor, and for heaven's sake, for sure don't trust what you have seen, heard, and experienced for yourself!'" ~ Sophie

"I grew up with boys. My best friends as a kid were my brothers. At a young age, I figured out boys were better friends than girls: they weren't catty. Overall, I've had a pretty good relationship with boys, until my dad kept telling me the only thing on guys' minds was sex (nothing else), that I shouldn't talk to boys, etc. Somehow I even got the impression I was supposed to evaluate every guy I met to see if he met the husband criteria. When I got older, I wasn't allowed alone with any boys except my brothers..."in real life", when I'm alone with guys (except my husband, but even alone with my brother in law), I can't help but wonder if he's going to try to take advantage of me or something. It's hard for me to relax in the company of guys (unless like my husband is there or other people) because of how much my dad ingrained in me that guys were only after sex." ~ Anne

"Because of the dating advice (actually, advice not to date) I got in the books I was reading in my teens, including IKDG (I Kissed Dating Goodbye), I never pursued two men I fell in love with (four years apart)... I actively pushed each one away with all I was worth. Why? Because they didn't meet my 'checklists' of what I wanted in a mate. And I can tell you unequivocally, I wish I had pursued those relationships. I am happy that I 'gave them a piece of my heart' (though I was trying desperately not to and repenting and begging God's forgiveness for it because I thought it was emotional adultery!); what hurts is that I never had the closure that comes with working through a relationship. I never had the closure of breaking up because I never let the relationship start to begin with....And personally, I would like an apology. I, like many others, cannot go back and undo the damage caused by believing this garbage. It's not just Josh's fault. It's the fault of every other author and pastor who preached it, it's the fault of our parents for not alleviating us of the misconception, it's our own faults for not having the courage or whatever it is to challenge what we ourselves believe - for the latter I feel deep regret." ~Rebecca

"My first boyfriend was a casualty of courtship madness. Dad didn't like him, he had someone else in mind, so he stepped in and told the guy to stay away from me. The separation seriously hurt the boy... I became seriously depressed and anorexic after the whole mess. I swore off men until my husband came along. I hate what he had to go through to marry me. Dad made our lives as miserable as he could only agreeing at the last minute to walk me down the aisle. I wish he hadn't because he was still so hostile. I felt guilty for years that I couldn't trust God to change Dad and smooth things out so our marriage was a joyful event. It's not a good memory. I felt like a rebel. Like I was turning my back on God because Dad didn't approve. Damn courtship. Dad enjoyed the power it gave him over me as an adult. Ultimately it failed, but in the process everyone involved was badly hurt." ~ Maia

"I felt like a harlot compared to all the girls who were also into this teaching. In fact, the first time I ever attended their meeting, several of them came up to me and asked if I was saved....yeah, I got the vibe, from the girls and guys, that I needed a good washing from the inside out...It seemed to me that they tagged me as more of a rebel of purity than they were...the guys were weeding out for the purest most spiritual and marriage worthy girl to marry & I didn't fit that profile." ~ Lolly

"My dad was a big fan of Elisabeth Elliot's and Josh Harris' books. He made all of the teens he worked with read through them. Then he implemented extremely strict rules to keep everyone from "cluttering" friendships with bad emotional history. His and my mom's experience in college and highschool served as the example for everyone: how dating ruined friendships and broke up the chance of meaningful fellowship because of baggage. My brother was discouraged from dancing because you had to "touch girls" and it would be a defrauding situation for him. I was not allowed to talk with older guys because my dad said they were trying to manipulate me and I was too young/impressionable. I have been able to drop a lot of the fundamentals of what I was taught/indoctrinated in/brainwashed with in my second relationship. Breaking up with my first "crush" made me feel like total s**t for the longest time. I was on Elisabeth Elliot's "second-hand-goods table" and there was no hope for me. This time around I have been working really hard on keeping an open mind and implementing only what seems to be a workable idea... at least I try. Every turn I am accosted by the specters of "should" and "must" and big red flashing lights in my mind. I am crossing the pre-determined "boundary lines" of sharing information and time without a "determined" commitment to any authority figure. Hey, we even spent time in a room alone together!!! It is a constant, uphill battle to clear out the mental clutter and go with what I feel is right in my conscience and what works for the situation...." ~DaoHF

"My parents had me read both of Josh Harris's books, as well as Paulsen's Emotional Purity and Wilson's Her Hand in Marriage and a couple others when I was in my mid-teens. And, yeah, it royally screwed up my relationships with girls. For a long time I insisted on awkward side-hugs, thinking that a real, honest-to-goodness front-hug would make me think too much about the girl's breasts, and/or that contact with them would stir up sexual feelings in her ... or maybe just that contact with her breasts would be sexually inappropriate. Mostly I just shook hands. With girls who were good family friends. Finally a particularly bubbly friend who had been away for a while greeted me with a tackling hug, and it just about paralyzed me. When my system rebooted and I ran diagnostics, I realized I wasn't defrauded, and maybe front-hugs weren't so bad. :-P" ~Scottie

"The fear of doing the wrong thing, robbed us of enjoying male/female relationships outside of courtship and robbed us of relational enjoyment through our own courtship, rather than enjoying the process that God created to be enjoyable. Purity was turned into such an idol that I had to repent with my wife before God that we had given purity higher value than married sex, and attached shame to something God had said was good." ~ J.

"I first ran into the emotional purity concept in high school, from friends, magazines, and books within the homeschool culture. To my early teen mind, it made sense: protect myself and the magical prince charming will arrive, ready to receive my pure heart. But I didn't see how this influence was confusing my ideas about interaction with any guys I knew. The strong emphasis on avoiding "giving my heart away" made me see every guy as a "potential". He had the potential to take away my purity if I developed any feelings for him. This created a cycle of paranoia that left me unable to relax, have fun, and develop normal friendships. Rather than protecting my innocence, I think emotional purity took away from the carefree innocence I should have had as a teen. Instead of laughing off a crush, it was a guilty experience that was only made more serious by my confused conscience. It wasn't until I got to college and suddenly saw normal interaction everywhere around me that I was able to appreciate and learn to have friends who were just that - friends." ~Amy

"I have issues with the idea and concept of courtship as defined by Josh Harris, et all...that involves and puts more emphasis on the parents than the couple. By issues I mean, I completely totally, and utterly disagree with the idea that parents should have any right at all to inherently control/have input (that is actually demands)/ orchestrate the entire process. Because this takes away the responsibility from the two people who are actually going to have to live with the consequences of the decisions made and puts it on people who think they have "their best interests at heart" and perhaps they do, but they do not know their kids better than their kids know themselves. Not to mention this ROBS these young adults of an experience - a right of passage - it robs them of the GROWTH into healthy adults that happens and NEEDS TO HAPPEN in relationships. It tries to take away any mistakes and ends up causing MORE damage in maturity than saving of heartache. This idea and process as I've experienced and read in Boy Meets Girl (Mike Farris anyone?) is wrong....I'm not talking about irresponsible 14 year olds here, I'm talking about young adults old enough to date and make their own decisions. Adults have no right whatsoever to control or manipulate other adults in anything and especially not romantic relationships. Those are hard enough of a learning curve on their own without parental-rights-we're-older-so-obey-crap adding to it. I am however completely for parents giving advice if it is sought, and if they have problems, respectfully communicating that to the couple and leaving it in the couple's hands and not interfering after that. The line is crossed when "courtship" becomes a wooing of parents and fight for control rather than two people on a journey learning and making decisions that will affect the rest of their lives." ~Hannah

"My family had been "non-dating minded" since I was a little girl. At first the fairy-tale loving side of me resisted, but as I grew older and encountered the same mindset among others, I accepted it, along with its emphasis on emotional purity. Consequently, I was terrified to even strike up a conversation with a guy during my teen years. I remember a few well-adjusted guys who treated me in a friendly manner, but those interactions were very rare, and I never knew how to respond.
When I was 17, I attended a conference by a well-known betrothal guru. He outlined the steps two betrothal-minded families should take if God revealed that two young people should marry. As I recall, it went something like this: If God revealed it to one of the dads, they were to approach the other dad. If he revealed it to a mom, she was to approach her husband. If he revealed it to the son, he was to approach his father. And with a laugh he finished, "And if God reveals it to the daughter, she should be quiet and wait for God to tell someone else." Shortly afterward I believed God told me who I'd marry. It's a long story, but basically I had noticed this guy for awhile. However, it would have been "forward" to strike up a friendship, and "sinful/impure" to feel attracted to anyone, much less to admit I had a full-blown crush. So in order to rationalize my feelings, I convinced myself that they meant God was revealing him to me as my future husband.

In obedience to Mr. Betrothal Guru, I said nothing to anyone, but kept this belief close to my heart for about two years. I waited patiently for God to reveal this to someone else, waiting on a miracle, since my family had moved and no longer had any contact with the young man. Finally the burden became too heavy for me to bear and I just had to confide in someone, so I told my parents that I believed God had told me who I was going to marry. They liked the guy and weren't opposed to the idea, but it never occurred to them that this could just be an overblown crush. Their daughters didn't have crushes, because crushes were impure and ungodly. In my mind, we were as good as engaged. I didn't know how it would happen, but I was certain that it would. A few months later we heard that the guy I liked was engaged to someone else. It's a huge understatement to say I was devastated. I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown as I cried for weeks, trying to accept the fact that the guy had "missed it" so completely and forced us both to settle for "second best." Finally I was able to face the fact that I had taken a perfectly normal teenage crush and rationalized it as "God's voice" so that I would not have to feel guilty about feeling attraction toward a guy. That is when I finally began to heal.

Looking back I am absolutely amazed that I couldn't see this from the beginning. And it grieves me that I basically wasted two years of my life praying and waiting, with such devastation at the end. I could have avoided so much drama, obsession, and heartbreak if I had simply been able to admit to myself that I liked a guy. But I couldn't do that. In my belief system, liking a guy was sin." ~ Grace

"As a teen, my parents would pray with me that I would save my heart for a man who was saving his heart for me. I saved it. Now I don't know what to do with it. As an adult, I pray that my first kiss will come before my thirtieth birthday. My next birthday is my twenty-ninth." ~Anon.

These are stories of brokeness by real people. There are many more where these came from. But this is not the end of the story. Because with great pain and mistakes comes healing and learning. Redemption is happening all around us, all the time. God is giving back the years that the locust have eaten. Confession is the beginning of healing; acknowleging the lies, the genesis of transformation. We know now what is wrong. But what then is right? What is the solution? How to encourage people who are fighting for healing and truth in their lives?

I leave you with encouragement from my friend, Rebecca. Listen to the words of one who has been there and back again:

"1. Love as many people as possible. Give away as many pieces of your heart as possible. Love your friends and acquaintances - not just in a so-called 'agape' altruistic way, but really invest in, care about, desire them... The more people we love the fuller and richer our lives get. As C.S. Lewis says,

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

2. The key is to not harden your heart when it gets broken. Your heart will get broken, no doubt about that. The more you love, the more your heart will break. The test of character is how you respond to it. Do you continue to bravely love and reach out to new loving relationships? Or do you climb into a shell, bury your heart in a casket as Lewis says? IMO IKDG is 'casket' mentality. It's the wrong response to a challenge. As the Bible says: "There is no fear in love. Perfect love casts out fear." And with Christ we have an infinite fountain of love to draw on and share.

3. If you fall in love, pursue it, no matter how 'wrong' the guy seems to be for you. Chase it for all it is worth. (Except: do it in a healthy, boundary-conscious way.) If it is not the relationship God intends for you to have, you will fall out of love. This is true! This is what the books for some reason ignore. If it's an unhealthy relationship and you are committed to developing a healthy relationship, the relationship will end. If there are irreconcilable differences, these will cool your heals. But if you are in love you must try and see if you can form that healthy relationship, if you can work through differences. That way you can find out for sure if it is not meant to be - rather than going based on probability.

I think the pain of heartbreak is exactly what motivates IKDG and every mother who loves the book.

And the pain of heartbreak isn't just a poor motivator.

Fleeing it is outright wrong.

Heartbreak is something we need to brave to be alive, human, Christian.

Heartbreak is part of being in God's image. All of creation groans until it is united with him and God yearns to be united with us. The tragedy of sin is the rend it creates in our relationship with God - our separation from him breaks his heart. This is why the cross was worthwhile to Him. If we are to imitate Christ, we cannot avoid heartbreak. Christ courageously loved us despite knowing in advance that his heart would be broken...

And honestly, how would we feel about Christ and God if he never really loved us and it never really pained him that we didn't love him back?"

Be sure to read Emotional Purity and Courtship, A Conclusion.