On Being "Gracious"

It seems that some people don't like my personal writing method. Apparently I'm not "gracious" enough. I'm too raw, too blunt, not "diplomatic" enough for the delicate eyes of some of my readers. I need to balance truth with a bit more grace. I have to wonder...what, exactly, is their definition of "gracious"? Because as far as I can see, I haven't maliciously attacked anyone. I haven't called names or imputed nasty motives. Mostly I just rip apart pet teachings and ideas. I take white-washed lies and expose them for the filth they are. (Oh, am I allowed to say "filth"? Or is that not gracious enough?) To these folks, "ungracious" actually means "saying anything against accepted religious leaders" and "finding fault with someone's teachings" and perhaps "rocking the boat".

I suppose Jesus could've been more gracious when He drove the money-changers out of the temple with a whip He made with his own hands. I suppose He should've use more diplomacy when calling out the Pharisees and using such ungracious name as "brood of vipers" and "blind guides, fools", "serpents", "murderers", and "white-washed tombs". I think that Paul could've been a bit more understanding and nice when writing the book of 1 Corinthians. He did use some harsh language in that one. Now that I think about it, telling the Galations he wished the religious leaders would mutilate themselves was a bit much. Stephen probably should've used some other words toward the Pharisees than "stiff-necked and uncircumcised" to get his point across. But I suppose he realized that a little too late. And can I just mention that John the Baptist wouldn't know diplomacy if it smacked him in the face?

You see, sometimes exposing ugliness is ugly. You cannot make it pretty or smooth it over with flowery words. You can't polish crap. In the end, it's still crap. Stating that a teaching or a book or an entire seminar is twisting the gospel of Jesus and causing all sorts of damage to the hearts and souls of people is not being ungracious. It's just exposing lies and darkness, which isn't a pretty sight and not for the faint-hearted. It's doing exactly what Jesus, his apostles, the prophets, and all the people of God in the Bible were called to do. If you can't take that, then go find some fluffy bunnies and rainbows and butterflies website to read.

Some of us have more important things to do than make ourselves and others feel good all the time. There's too much at stake here to stick our heads in the sand and ignore the pain, the darkness, and the ugliness. To try to brush it over with pretty pastels and nice pictures. People's lives and souls are at stake here, and I will not try to make that pretty just to keep from offending the sensibilities of people who can't take the reality of the dark side of life and religious addiction. If that makes me ungracious, then so be it. Just count me in with the many people throughout history who weren't afraid to tell it like it is. (Though thankfully I'm not in danger of being stoned, beheaded, or torn apart by lions like most of them were.)

People are being spiritually slaughtered, the Name of Jesus is being dragged through the mud and used to enslave souls, "christians" are pretending none of this happening and attacking others who say it is, and I'm beyond caring whether people think I'm being "gracious" enough. I don't have time for that. I'm too busy pulling people out of the ugliness to spend time making the ugliness sound better than it is so people aren't offended.

Stand Up

All the lonely people cryin'
It could change if we just get started
Lift the darkness, light a fire
For the silent and the broken-hearted.....


For all of you that have helped to light a fire....to shine a light in a dark place of bondage and pain and brokenness: thank you. You are a voice for those who have no voice. So many tears, yet we've begun to see so much healing and freedom.

Won't you stand up, stand up, stand up,
Won't you stand up, you girls and boys;
Won't you stand up, stand up, stand up,
Won't you stand up and use your voice.

You have stood and said "No more!" You have been so brave, telling your stories, speaking of things ugly and unspeakable. Standing, speaking out, using your voice.

There's a comfort, there's a healing,
High above the pain and sorrow
Change is comin', can you feel it?
Calling us into a new tomorrow.

And you whose voices have been shut up, listen and let us speak for you. What is happening to you is wrong. You don't have to suffer at the hands of others. We will speak up for you, stand up for you, fight for you, until your voice is silenced no longer and you can freely add yours to ours.

When the walls fall all around you
When your hope has turned to dust
Let the sound of love surround you
Beat like a heart in each of us.


We were you once. Our walls fell down, our hope vanished. But someone was brave enough to reach down and pull us out of the rubble. Someone was strong enough to speak the truth about our worth. Someone was fierce enough to condemn the oppressors. Someone loved enough to rescue us, tell us we were worth it, tell us we were beautiful and loved.

Won't you stand up, stand up, stand up,
Won't you stand up, you girls and boys?
Won't you stand up, stand up, stand up,
Won't you stand up and use your voice.

And now we stand with them. We stand for spiritual and physical freedom. We stand against those who would take that from us and the ones we love. We stand together and we will not shut up our voices. As long as there are people who think it is their right to take away the rights of others, we will not be silent. We will continue to reach down and remember the One, and the ones, who pulled us out of the rubble of our lives. Who cared enough about people they maybe didn't even know, to speak up and stand up.

Won't you stand up, stand up, stand up,
Won't you stand up and use your voice?

In Defense of a Friend

This website was recently brought to my attention. While reading, I was blown away by the cruelty masked as "truth-defending". I tend to think the best about people but in this piece, I can find no "best". She has gone from discussing an idea to attacking a person. That person happens to be my friend and one whom I love. What Mrs. McDonald wrote is nothing short of below-the-belt hits and deceptive, passive-aggressive personal attacks on someone she does not even know. Her words drip the venom of someone who is cornered and threatened. But why? If she is so right, and the rest of us so wrong, as she asserts, why should she even bother?

She says that she is thankful that the issues in Hillary's book have now been brought to the table for discussion. However, these issues have been discussed for a long time now. Could it be that before Hillary bared her heart in a self-published book, those of us who spoke out against "biblical patriarchy" and spiritual abuse were merely a fly in their ointment? But now....now a book has been written with the heart and soul of a living, breathing woman, her pain easily felt on it's pages, her heart for the hearts of others so evident, that now they are feeling threatened. Now they are on the attack. Now they are resorting to personal attacks of the kind that no person calling themselves a Christ-follower should ever participate in.

Is their Cause so weak that logic and reason and scripture can no longer support it so they have to resort to attacking people? People who are fellow heirs of grace? Her venom is masked with "concern"....concern that "children" will read Hillary's words and use them as fodder for "rebellion". But what about concern for the heart of all the men and women she has labeled as "rebellious", "wicked", "emotional", false victims, deceptive, "irresponsible", seducing, baiting, among other things? The whole tone of her post portrays, not concern for anyone's heart and soul, but the concern of someone who is afraid of losing control over others' hearts and souls.

Mrs. McDonald prints a letter from Hillary's sister that not only makes Hillary out to be a liar, but also outs part of her family whom Hillary has tried so hard to protect and keep anonymous. Mrs. McDonald pitted one sister against another and for what cause? Who could possibly be edified by a personal battle of "he said, she said"? It was an under-handed blow and completely inappropriate. But it certainly was revealing. Anyone who would stoop that low is not to be trusted with any personal information. Because it just might be used against you.

There are many issues I would like to address in her post. Perhaps I will when I can get past the mean-spirited tone of the whole thing. I certainly hope others who are better at articulating thoughts than I am will speak up. But for now, I will leave it at this: people can complain, attack, divide, and throw blows all they like. They cannot stop the outpouring of healing that has begun. They cannot take away our joy in the grace and freedom of Christ. We of the first and second generation of homeschoolers are discovering who we are because of Jesus Christ and nothing in heaven or hell will ever entice us to go back. You can throw your attacks, and it might hurt, but we are standing fast in the liberty for which Christ has made us free. We have tasted true intimacy with God, our Creator and Lover, and it is intoxicating.

On second thought, I am a rebel. I rebel against the idea that life can fit into a neat formula. I rebel against the teaching that says I am only acceptable if I perform correctly. I rebel against the thought that I, as a woman, cannot have a voice except through the men in my life. I rebel against anybody and everybody who invokes the Name of my Savior to control me. I rebel against the "christianity" that is promoted by posts like the above, and propped up by people who resort to name-calling and attacking a girl who they don't even know, whose heart they cannot even understand. I stand with a growing army of rebels, whose cry is "Give us Jesus! Give us the pure gospel!" No apologies. Just grace and truth.

Not So Clearly

There's something really bugging me about theological conversations with people who think they're got it all figured out. (Besides the fact that they think they have it all figured out....). I keep hearing the phrase "The Bible clearly says...", which is used to completely stomp out the opposition. Or just make them look stupid.

I am here to tell you that the Bible doesn't "clearly say" what everyone seems to think it does. There's not much in the Bible that's really very "clear" at all. The more I read and study, the less I feel I know, and the muddier it all gets. Think about it: we're talking about a book that's comprised of hundreds of documents, stories, instructions, poems, prophecies, and history, written by dozens of different men, over a period of thousands of years, in several different languages, to cultures that were very different than our own, and translated into hundreds of languages. How is that "clear and simple"??? Answer: it's not. It makes for very complicated study and interpretation.

It just kills me when someone quotes a scripture out of an English Bible and says "see? it's really very clear and simple". And it really gets to me when people downplay looking up the scriptures in their original language and say "well, it gets rather confusing when you do that. I just read it for what it says." *face palm* Clearly they don't understand the process of how that scripture went from God's mouth to our hands. How in the world is a translation from the original language more "clear and accurate" than the original launguage?!

I believe that God has preserved His written will and heart. But I don't think that much of the church's interpretations of that written will are very accurate. Nor do I think that they have been arrived at by the best methods. I also don't believe that just reading an English Bible is the best way to discover what God really thinks. That written will itself says to "be diligent to.....accurately divide the Word of Truth". If it were really as "clear and simple" as people seem to think, why would it take diligence and hard work to "rightly divide" what God has said?

I am not afraid to admit that the Bible is one complicated book. I don't think this makes God less personal or less powerful. It certainly ups my determination to study and seek after the Truth, knowing that it is there and it is important. I'm also not afraid to question everything I've ever been taught and to discuss it with others. But I seem to be running into two kinds of Christians. The first kind is so confident in their knowledge of "what the Bible clearly says" that they cannot see any other point of view enough to even dialoge about it. They just throw scriptures at you, thinking that that should settle it. This frustrates me to no end. The other kind of Christian seems almost afraid of digging deeper and re-examining scripture. Like they're scared of being wrong or "deceived" or finding out that what they've always been taught isn't God's clear truth after all. So they resort to judging motives ("you just don't like authority, you're a feminist, etc") and stating "Well, the Bible clearly states...and if you can't see it then I can't help you." End of discussion.

Maybe it's because I've been through two major religious paradigm shifts in my life, or maybe it's just my personality, but finding out I was wrong doesn't scare or intimidate me in the least. Why should it? I want to know what God thinks and if what I've been believing isn't it then I'm more than happy to leave it behind. Just, please, don't call me names and don't judge my heart just because you're too afraid of being wrong and too confident in your own knowledge to even consider that you might be.

So far the only "clear" things I see in the Bible are this: God loves us, we blew it, Jesus lived, died, and lives again to redeem us, and the Christian life is all about loving God and loving people. Everything else is a little foggy but I'm OK with that. I'm determined to ask, seek, and knock, and never stop until I'm dead. God's not going to strike me with lightning and send me to hell because I'm wrong about womens roles, church authority, dress codes, eschatology, or kosher eating. He's not threatened by my questioning. If that's the kind of god you serve, then I'm not the one with problems.

Don't freak out on me; I'm not promoting reletivism. I do believe in absolute truth. I'm just not sure that we're meant to find it in this life. Maybe it's supposed to be a journey, a process, a walking-with-God thing. For now, I'm confident in my unconfidence of my own knowledge and if I never get to the bottom of the egalitarian v. complementarian debate, I'm totally fine with that. Meanwhile, I'm lovin' on my husband, my kids, and everyone else who comes across my path; I'm walking with God and enjoying the journey. I figure that's what really matters anyway.

Answering Anonymous...Again.

I received an anonymous comment on my post about the Botkins' marriage article. Although the lady put it there, it seems to refer to most of my blog posts in general. Since many of us from legalistic backgrounds hear these sentiments often, I thought I would address them for all to see.

Here is what she wrote:

"This all just goes to show that we should never follow one person's/ organization's views on everything, but take the good from each. EVERYTHING should be tested against God and His Word first.
I am a very happily married, home schooling mother of 13. I have made mistakes and hope that my children will not judge me as harshly as some of you are doing towards your own parents. I am sure most of them meant well. You will make mistakes, too, not the same ones necessarily but mistakes none the less. You will beg for God's mercy and grace as you see the results of your own personal mistakes in your children.
It would be healthier to get on with your lives and not have a victim mentality forever. It is best to forget the past and press on towards the prize..."

I addressed some of this in my guest posts on Quivering Daughters, entitled "Abusing Abuse?". But I will now address them here. Again.

I never follow anyone's or any organization's views. I judge the merit of all things by what is written or spoken. I am not a follower of anyone. When it comes to my religious beliefs, I'm pretty much a mutt. But I assume that's not what you meant. I am judging by your comment that you generally agree with the Botkins but perhaps not on this particular subject. You seem to be cautioning us "not to throw the baby out with the bathwater" because these people have many good things to say. That is your opinion and you are certainly entitled to it. But let me be very clear here. When it comes to Visionary Daughters, Vision Forum, and all their associates and affiliates, or anyone who promotes the Patriarchial system, I do not believe there is any baby in the bathwater. I stand for everything they stand against. Every scripture they interpret, every issue they expound on, their very foundations for their beliefs....I disagree with them all. Matter of fact, their ideas and beliefs disgust me. As far back as their very foundational proof-text, the creation story, we disagree. Why? Because I DO "test everything against God's Word" and I have found them in error. Now that that is cleared up, on to your next point.

You said: "I have made mistakes and hope that my children will not judge me as harshly as some of you are doing towards your own parents."

But I thought that we weren't supposed to follow everyone's views, but instead test them by God's word?

That is exactly what I, and others like me, are doing here. We are taking the teaching of our parents and weighing them....denouncing the bad and clinging to the good. I don't believe this to be "judging" as you call it. It merely digging out the good from the bad.

Allow me to quote myself:

"Yes, healing is our choice. But we first have to recognize the wound in order to apply the correct balm. Ignoring it, or telling yourself to "just get over it" won't work. If I've grown up with the belief that I am only pleasing to God if I perform correctly, then I must see the lie in that messege, and apply the correct truth. The lie: that any works of righteousness can make me acceptable to God. The Truth: "for by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God" and "when we were still without strength, Christ died for the ungodly" and "He has made you accepted in the Beloved".

This is not a "blame game". We do not believe in sitting around and blaming our parents, church, friends, whomever for our pain and the consequences thereof. But the fact is, there are things passed down to us from our parents that contributed, if not outright caused, certain wounds in our lives. This is true for everyone, regardless of religious beliefs. Acknowledging this, recognizing it, and discussing it is not the same thing as blaming others. I believe in family wounds and generational curses/pain. A woman who was told she was never good enough is going to pass that lie to her daughters and they to their daughters unless it is acknowledged and healed by the Healer. I can see some lies and strongholds in myself that were present in my grandfather. I am not blaming him, just recognizing where the lie started and looking at all the heartache it has caused in subsequent generations. I also know that it does not have to be this way. That lie and the wounds inflicted by it can stop with me. I do not have to pass it on to my children. I will not; I refuse. I'm sure my mother would have said the same had she but known to even look for it. Had she not been told "You're fine, get over it."

This is why we even bring this up. Not only so that we can live from a healed, whole heart, but for our children and our children's children. Broken people produce more broken people. It is an endless cycle of pain and brokeness and the Enemy of our souls loves it. Ignoring it will only perpetuate the pain. The Church today has very little understanding about matters of the heart and this has to stop. It is because of people saying "Buck up, stop blaming everyone else, get over it" that there is so much brokeness and dysfunction among Christians today. We've ignored our pain and the causes for too long and are now reaping the harvest of broken people, broken families. Christ's little ones are stumbling and falling and being told to "get over it" because their wounds aren't visible to the world. These things ought not to be."

You said: "You will make mistakes, too, not the same ones necessarily but mistakes none the less. You will beg for God's mercy and grace as you see the results of your own personal mistakes in your children. It would be healthier to get on with your lives and not have a victim mentality forever. It is best to forget the past and press on towards the prize..."
"

As for my own children, I know I will hurt them. I know that I have made and will make mistakes. But I have something that my own parents didn't. I have an understanding of my own pain...where it came from, how it came, and how to end it. Because I dare to go where they didn't: into the darkness of my own heart, and the pain of my own past. I don't expect to do anything in this life perfectly, certainly not when it comes to raising my kids. But I would never tell them not to judge me, to ignore the pain I caused them, and to "get over it". My oldest is 4 years old and I am already practicing how to admit I was wrong and apologize.

I don't have to beg God for grace and mercy. He freely lavishes it on me so that I might in turn lavish it on my children. I am not offended when my daughter tells me she doesn't like me. Instead, we talk about it, work through it, and I tell her I am sorry when I am wrong. We are practicing grace and communication now while it is easy so that later, when it becomes more complicated, grace and communication will be an integral part of our relationship.

You said: "I have made mistakes and hope that my children will not judge me as harshly as some of you are doing towards your own parents. I am sure most of them meant well."

I've said this elsewhere, and I'll say it again. It is not a strength to deny pain. Nor is it a strength to ignore inner wounds and say "well, my parents had good motives so I won't worry about the outcome and actions caused by those motives." I'm fairly certain the Puritans who killed hundreds of innocent women, the Jesuits who tortured natives "to convert them", the Mormons who practiced blood atonement to save people's souls, and others who have used God's name for horrible things had "good motives". What makes a teaching good or bad? The motives of those who teach it?

I will never use the excuse "I meant well". Because that's all it is: an excuse to not own up to my own sin. Sometimes I think we use that line on others because it makes us feel better about our own problems and mistakes. But I personally don't care how well I meant. If I've hurt people, my well-meaning doesn't negate their pain.


Do the motives of the people who hurt me negate the pain they caused? I think not. I can appreciate that they really wanted what was best for me. But can I be honest? There were times when I am certain that all they wanted was what was best for them. That their desires for their own lives overrided their desires for my good. And that they couldn't even tell the difference. Is it "judging" them by saying so? I don't think so. It's just sayin' how things were.

I don't resent them, though I certainly did at one time. I am not bitter toward them, though God had to do much healing in my heart in the past. We actually have a pretty good relationship now. Only God couldn've woven our lives with the healing, forgiveness, and relationship that we have now. We're not perfect and we have a long way to go. But none of this could've been possible without first going right where you say we shouldn't: into the pain, darkness, mistakes, and sin of our hearts and the hearts of our parents.

Allow me, one more time, to leave you with something I wrote not too long ago:

"Jesus said "Come unto Me, all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest". But how can we get that rest unless we first admit we need it? How can we leave our burdens with Him unless we first admit we have a burden? Ignoring the burden or downplaying its effect on our lives will not make it go away. It will only cause us to live a half-hearted life and when we die, to pass that burden on to our children. Brothers and sisters, I beg you, do not perpetuate pain by ignoring, comparing, downplaying, and telling others to "get over it". And stop critisizing those who are recognizing wounds, denouncing lies, and inviting healing into their pain-wracked hearts. Be cautious lest you find yourselves fighting against the very God you serve. In the words of a very wise man, "And now I say to you, keep away from these men and let them alone; for if this plan or this work is of men, it will come to nothing; but if it is of God, you cannot overthrow it---lest you even be found to fight against God." Acts 5:38,39""

I encourage you, and anyone who has the same sentiments, to read a few of the other posts, such as Stories, and Abusing Abuse? (and part 2), so you can get a better idea of why I write and what my heart is.

I Remember.....

I remember wondering if it would hurt to pull the trigger....and wondering if even that would silence the voices in my head that told me that God hated me and I was an awful daughter. And if anyone would even miss me.

I remember trying so hard to look like all the other girls at the Basic Seminar (ATI). Because they were so Godly, so happy...they must've been doing something right.

I remember musing aloud to my mom during a geography lesson that I would love to visit the Bad-Lands sometime because they looked so wild, beautiful, and untamed. And she then telling me I should examine my heart because it obviously had rebellion in it.

I remember standing in front of my mirror in a long denim skirt and button-up shirt that was 2 sizes too big and wishing I could dress in cute clothes. And wondering if I was going to defraud anyone that day. And feeling guilty for all of it.

I remember being told that godly girls treated their siblings with selflessness and submitted to their parents in all things. And that I wasn't doing that.

I remember thinking I would never be a Godly girl. And I desparately wanted to.

I remember my mom lamenting "Why can't you be more like _____??! I'll bet she never talks to her parents like you're talking to us!!"

I remember signing a paper when I went to teach a Children's Institute that stated: "I believe that my parents are God's ultimate authority in my life, that they are an umbrella of protection for me, and I will strive to obey them because they are directing me in the will of God." Even though I didn't believe it. And felt guilty for a whole year because I had lied on a contract.

I remember resenting my best friends because they got to look cute and girly and I had to dress like a frumpy homeschooler. And I hated my parents. Then, of course, felt guilty. Dad said I should be glad I wasn't wearing pants like them. Guys could stare at their butts instead of ours.

I remember the day I wore jeans and a cute top to college for the first time. I felt elated and fearful.

I remember the day I stopped worrying that my parents were going to send someone to my college to spy on me, who would then see that I was dressing "immodestly" and report back to them. And I didn't even feel guilty.

I remember crying because they wanted me to shut down my heart and just do what they say. And knowing I could never do that.

I remember being angry that a parent could ever ask their child to choose between their way and God's way.

I remember asking Sky why in the world he wanted to marry me when I was so selfish. "What makes you think you're selfish?" he asked. "My parents always say so". "Well, they're wrong" he said. "You're one of the most self-less people I know." And I cried.

I remember them telling me that loving Sky was dishonoring to God. That I wasn't following God's will for me. That maybe I wasn't even saved.

I remember them telling me that no man would ever want to marry me because I wasn't submissive enough. I was too independent and strong-willed. And I just knew they were right.

I remember not being able to tell them I loved them. Because I couldn't lie just to make them happy.

I remember one time Mom said "I love you" and I replied over my sholder, walking away, "Yeah right." She looked like I'd hit her with a two-by-four. And never said anything about that incident again. I felt terrible later.

I remember the first time Sky kissed me. And I was surprised that I didn't feel guilty. I felt like I was flying and that all was suddenly right with the world.

I remember the day I finially gave up trying to please anyone but God. It was a turning point in my life.

I remember the shackles falling off, one after one, day after day, until I was free and ready to be the person God was making me. I cried for a long time....for the joy and freedom in my heart, for the loss and pain, for the severing of relationships that wasn't my fault.

I remember the day that I realized that these memories don't hurt anymore. That I don't hate my parents for any of it. That I can remember these things and feel loss, but not bitterness. That God must've done this.

I write these things, mothers and fathers, so you may understand that what you say and do when your children are young will have a profound impact on the rest of their lives...for good or for evil. Your motives will not matter; your words and actions will. As a fellow parent, I urge you to daily run to the One who showers grace on you so that you may shower it on your children. What will they write about us when they are grown?? Will they say we stood for Truth and Mercy, even in our imperfection? Or that we stood for the rules and commandments of men?

I write these things, brothers and sisters, so you know you are not alone. That all manner of hurtful things are done and said in the name of God, love, and wanting what's best for you. That you're not crazy, they really did say such absurd things, and it wasn't your fault. That love cannot be earned by performance. It is a freely given gift. That there is hope for healing, forgiveness, and freedom...even if you cannot even imagine it right now. God is in the business of restoration.


"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,

to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion--

to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.

They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations.

Aliens will shepherd your flocks; foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.

And you will be called priests of the LORD, you will be named ministers of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations, and in their riches you will boast.

Instead of their shame my people will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be theirs.

"For I, the LORD, love justice; I hate robbery and iniquity. In my faithfulness I will reward them and make an everlasting covenant with them. Their descendants will be known among the nations and their offspring among the peoples. All who see them will acknowledge that they are a people the LORD has blessed."

I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

For as the soil makes the sprout come up and a garden causes seeds to grow, so the Sovereign LORD will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations."

~Isa. 61

Searching....

I feel....empty. No, that's no quite right. I feel like I'm searching for something and I can't find it. Spiritually, something is lacking. I go to church, hopeful for that elusive Something. I look for it while reading articles from really spiritually-together people. While interacting with friends, online and in real life. But I can't find it. I sit and listen to the sermon at church, waiting, hoping for the piece that will fall into place and make everything make sense. But instead, I find myself cynically replying to everything the preacher says. "God will always take care of us!" (except when He ...doesn't.) "Everything happens for a reason" (even that little girl that was abducted the other day? God better have one hell of a reason for that.) "Ask Him to show You where He wants to heal your heart" (I've been asking a long time, Lord...) "Isn't God good?" (Maybe. Sometimes. Then there's those other times...) "Lord, we pray for Your hand of healing on Brother Smith" (Right. Because that works.) "Lord, thank you so much that you spared Sister Jones' house from the fire" (what about the other houses that didn't get spared? Why do we give God all of the credit and none of the blame?)

I feel so guilty for thinking such things. I pray, but with no faith. I want to, but praying with faith didn't make much of a difference. I know that Jesus is a huge part of my life. That He cares about me and about my family. That's He's healed me from so much pain and sin and He's directed my life in obvious ways. I try so hard to listen and believe but I can't help the barrage of cynical questions and thoughts that bombard my mind. I try to talk about it with others but I'm only met with tired cliches and Christianese. It just isn't enough anymore! I'm so tired of hearing them. I need answers, real ones. And I'm wondering if there's anyone out there in Christendom who can give them to me.

I'm tired of church. I go only to find community. I love the people, the friends we've made, the community we've formed. But church...even some of the songs we sing drive me crazy. It's not the church's fault. Honestly, this church we're attending is great. The people are passionate and sincere, and the preaching is full of grace and truth. I feel accepted and loved. But for some reason, it's not enough. Enough to answer the burning questions and fill the void in my heart.

Why can't we get a break and get ahead financially?
Why can't God help us find a job that would be easier for our family?
Why do little children have to suffer at the hands of adults?
Why does my daughter have to struggle with autism?
Why doesn't God heal people?
What good does following Him really do?
If God isn't inept, that seems to make Him aloof and uncaring....

And if one more person tell me to "just take your questions to Jesus" I'm going to blow. What do they think I'm doing?? I read my Bible and all I get is more questions. I used to be so optimistic and passionate and now I don't feel much of anything except cynicism. And I hate that! I am craving community, close friendships, someone who won't either freak out or offer pad-answers when I ask questions. I sat in church on Sunday and I looked around at eager people soaking up the Word of God and I wondered, What's wrong with me? I listen to my friend tell me her problems yet still saying "but I know that God will work it all out" and I think, I used to say that. Do I still believe that? I don't know. What happened? Life, I suppose.

I think we're missing something. That Christianity, with all it's ministries, programs, churches, worship, and VBS's is missing something. There's should be so much more to this thing we call "church", this label "Christian". But I walk into a church and it's like time freezes around me, and I'm the only one still moving while everyone else is frozen and I can see all the happiness and joy on people's faces but I can't be there, experience it with them. I want to reach out and connect but I can't. Am I the only one that feels like this doing church isn't enough? Everyone else seems perfectly content while I sit here, frustrated and lonely. And doubting. I just can't seem to reconcile what I read about God with what I am experiencing on a daily basis.

I crave a real relationship. With a real God. Not the God everyone has neatly in their church-defined boxes. But the God of the Bible Who came through for His people in mighty ways. I crave community. Not Sunday morning "let's stand and worship the Lord". But Monday night Bible-study-turned-comforting-and-holding-up-the-broken-ones. Friends that do life together. Fellowship that you literally cannot live without. I've seen glimpses of this amazing life. And it leaves me wishing, longing, grasping for more. And tired of missing it.

Does this resonate with anybody?

Just Try Harder and Do Better

I read something that really ticked me off. It came from this blog. I don't like the Botkin's teachings anyway, but this...this tops my list of Worst Blog Posts Ever. I hurt to think about the poor girls that are going to read this and get the messege "There is something wrong with you, you need to try harder". At best, it's confusing and contradictory. At worst...it's driving the arrow of shame and blame deeper into the hearts of girls everywhere who want to know why they aren't married yet. It is their response to the so-called "Marriage Crisis" and it is a painful thing to read.

First they claim:

If there is a problem, we believe it’s not that so many young people are not married – it’s that so many young people are not ready to be married. The capper is that we have such low standards for ourselves that we don’t even realize it.
Let’s be honest with ourselves about the ways we’ve been compromised by our society, usually without knowing it. We are still swaying to the beat of our culture’s drum, in many of our attitudes, our affections, our expectations, and our actions. Many of us have picked up Hollywood ideas about what men should be like, and what makes a good match. We’re often double-minded, with our convictions and our affections running in two different directions, looking for a man that will somehow gratify both. Many of us claim to be preparing for godly wifehood, but actually are doing so with a narcissistic and feministic self-focus. We often have lofty demands for suitors (well, not that lofty – just that they be Jonathan Edwards in Edward Cullen’s body), but love ourselves just the way we are. So the men we want to marry often don’t really exist – and if they did… well… why would they want to marry us?

How can they be serious? They are insulting every sincere, Godly young lady I know. Oh yeah, and the feminists, of course. Seriously, I don't know any girl who wants only "Johnathan Edwards in Edward Cullen's body".

Thanks to cultural confusion, personal baggage, or pendulum swings, guys and girls are can have a hard time knowing how to have relationships with each other.

Unbelieveable. So instead of laying the blame for dysfuntional opposite-sex relationships where it belongs, which is squarely on the sholders of people who teach what they and other ultra-conservative teachers proclaim, they lay it on the feminists, the culture, and the girls themselves. What?!?! This is so absurd. The reason that homeschoolers of my generation have skewed ideas about guy-girl relationships is admitted far and wide by we and our parents who are honest enough. Because, as a result of a pendulum swing against the culture, our parents were a little too over-zealous about promoting ideas such as courtship, betrothal, and "emotional purity", to the point that girls are afraid of speaking to guys and guys are scared to death of even looking at a girl. We bought hook, line, and sinker that if we "gave away pieces of our hearts" that we would have nothing left to give The One someday. And, thanks to a certain author that wears a fedora and will remain nameless, we had nightmares of all our "crushes" standing at our marriage alter claiming us for their own. Is it any wonder that we can't have normal, healthy relationships with each other??

There are, by the way, plenty of people who have maturely avoided these mistakes, or repented of them. Among our friends, they are getting married. (If panicky singles would start looking outside of their own situations, they might notice all of the wonderful marriages taking place.)

Right. All you "panicky" single girls should forget your own fears and notice that I, Darcy, am married. Then you won't feel so bad. Yeah, that's helpful. This is like putting salt in the wound of so many girls who want to be married and aren't. I'm married, and I'm insulted.

Whether or not the young men, fathers, and leadership involved have behaved infallibly is not our place to say; we are here to point out that we girls have no business fixating on anyone’s faults but our own. This is partly a point of Christian charity and proper jurisdiction. It’s also a point of having to be honest with ourselves. After all, in any one of our individual cases, the problem just might be: Us.

While I agree that blame-shifting isn't helpful, they then go on to do just that: Blame the single girls for being undesireable marriage material. It's painful to read.

This next section completely blew me away:

For every girl we know asking why so few young men are “ready,” we know a young man asking where the ready and eligible girls are. Our brothers and their friends have told us that many of the qualities girls have cultivated to make themselves “eligible” are things that won’t come up on young men’s radar screens, and the qualities the young men are most looking for have been neglected.
There are many girls who look prepared to be good mothers and good housekeepers, but not to be capable helpmeets. Our brothers and their friends have told us that they’re not looking for mere live-in maids and nannies; they want wives who would be capable of coming alongside them in the rigors of their lives; being engaging, iron-sharpening companions; and assisting them in business, ministry, adventure, risk, conquest, and uncertainty. The young men we know are asking, “Where are those girls?”

Where are THOSE girls?? Those are the girls who these people label as feminists because they dare to believe that God has gifted and called them too, not just the men, and they are the ones living out those callings. They are the girls who aren't staying home practicing to be Daddy's helpmeet and learning for years on end how to cook and clean and tend babies. They are the girls who are living for Christ, some inside and some outside their parent's homes, who have been sent into the world to fulfill their callings as daughters of God. They are the ones who have been ignored, looked down on, and labeled rebellious feminists and "harlots" for leaving their father's "protection" and learning how to live life and walk with Jesus. This is amazing. These people preach for years what a "Godly young woman" should do and be and now the guys want something else!!! And they blame the poor girls?!?!

The rest of the article is nothing but "try harder, do more, be better" and other such shame-heaping tactics. The messeges that I see loud and clear are "You aren't measuring up; you need to try harder; there is something wrong with you and that's why you aren't married yet; here's 4 steps to ensuring you are marriagable material". Then they contradict themselves by saying that God is actually the One in control of when you marry so try not to fret. But, in the meantime, you aren't good enough, you need to do better.

Girls, if any of you are single and have read this, please, don't believe it. You aren't "the ugly step-sister". You are a beautiful princess of the Most High God. These messeges of "try harder" will only break an already hurting heart. This is a burden that is way too much for you to bear. You are "accepted in the Beloved" and no amount of trying harder is going to make you better or ensure that someone will love you. The Botkins were right about one thing: God is writing your story. I don't have answers for you. I can't tell you what to do to fulfill your heart's desire for marriage. I don't know why God gave me my husband at such a young age while others are still waiting. And I don't pretend to know the ache you have for love. But this I do know: you are so loved! You are worthy because God made you so, not because you did everything right. Dear sisters, don't listen to the lies that tell you you don't measure up. You are beautiful, you are loved, and you are blessed, wherever you are, in whatever season you're in.

I speak out against such lies as this article because I see the damage that they do and I ache for the ones whose hearts are weighted down by them. Listen to the words of the One who made you:

"Fear not, for I have redemed you; I have called you by your name; you are Mine...Since you have been precious in My sight, you have been honored, and I have loved you."

"Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformedl And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me when as yet there were none of them. How precious are your thoughts toward me, Oh God! How great is the sum of them!"

This is the truth and don't you ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

Oh yeah, as a parting shot, the girls that wrote the article said this:

People sometimes ask why we, at the ages of 22 and 24, are not yet married. The only answer we can give is that God has not ordained for us to be married yet, and that is, like all His other works, “very good”; we are enjoying the extra time to labor with our family, to prepare ourselves more fully, and to “occupy until ‘he’ comes.” As much as we pray for godly marriages, there is much to rejoice about in the calling of visionary daughterhood.

So, every other girl isn't married because they aren't ready or good enough, but these girls are still single because "God has ordained" it?? This should be enough to negate the rest of this ridiculous, unhelpful, and burdensome article in the minds of every thinking woman who read it.

So Sad

This was taken from a discussion between conservative homeschool grads:

But think about it....if you want to be a homemaker/wife/mother as your full time life calling, then a husband is exstreemly important. He is THE key to fulfilling your life goal.

Whereas with guys, they have at least one other life calling--their job. Getting married is wonderful but it's not THE key to them being able to fulfill that life goal. So it stands to reason that they don't think about it as much as girls do.

This is so very, very sad to me! Is essense, what this girl is saying is that women need men in order to fulfill their lives, but men don't need women to fulfill theirs....we're just an added bonus, I guess. Please tell me where in all of scripture, this idea is presented? If anything, it's the other way around: God created women because MEN were incomplete in their "life-calling"! You know, "it is not good for a man to be alone". =)

I believe that this idea is why so many conservative girls are so lost and dissatisfied with their lives. They're waiting for a man to "complete them" so they can fulfill their "life calling". How detrimental to the very heart of a woman! And what does this do to our perception of Who God is? What kind of God tells a woman that she can't fulfill her God-ordained calling without a husband, then lets her stay single her whole life?? It's like some cruel joke. The Bible says that when God calls someone, He equips them with what they need to fulfill that calling. So if all women are "called" to be wives, mothers, and homemakers, God must've dropped the ball.

I love my man. He does complete my life. But it's a mutual completion. And I don't believe that my life-calling would be unfulfilled if he weren't in my life. My identity is from who I am in Christ, not what I do (life-calling) or who is in my life (husband). When Jesus said "Follow Me" he wasn't just speaking to men.

Lies We Believe

God has been showing me some things about myself. Revealing lies that I have believed that have shaped my entire life. And I never even knew it.

The most recent one is "I have to perform to be loved and acceptable." I have to wear the right clothes, speak the right words, do the right things, have the right friends, believe the right doctrine, etc, or no one will love or accept me. It was that way with my parents. Sure, they always said they would "love me no matter what" and I'm sure they would, but unless I followed All The Right Rules, I was not acceptable. Even a small child understands the difference. I learned very well how to "perform" for them. I was even taught how to perform for God. Our church was the queen of religious performance. One wrong move and there goes our salvation! This lie, and the fear of not measuring up, was one of the cornerstones that our church was built on. I am so grateful to God that He revealed Himself and His heart to me at a very young age. At least I didn't grow up trying to perform for Him. It was hard enough to perform for everyone else in my life. I think I would've given up if I had to perform for God too.

But it's amazing to me how much that belief has affected my life. You know one of the reasons I fell in love with Sky? Because I didn't have to perform for him. He saw me and loved me, who I really was, not the fake, perfect person I put on every day. I didn't need the right clothes or the right doctrine...he loved me without any of those things. He saw my heart, and he loved it. And I loved him for it. Still do. :)

I think the reason God's shown me this is because that lie is beginning to creep into my relationships...even my marriage. My heart has been so heavy lately with the thought that if I don't perform for Sky then he won't love me. Some days it seems so true. Only now I can see the warfare. Satan is using this unhealed part of my heart to take me out and steal the joy that I have in my marriage. Trying to bring me into that bondage again. Well, I will not be bound by that lie anymore. Now that I can see the chains, I refuse to be bound by them. "You shall know the Truth and the Truth shall set you free." I have been "accepted in the Beloved"...THAT is the truth! God has accepted me and loves me because of Jesus Christ, not because of my performance. The Truth has and will continue to set me free.

What about you? You have lies that you've believed just as I do. Deception is the Enemy's only weapon against believers. What lies have helped shape the bondage in your life? What have you believed about yourself or about God that is not true? Have you ever stopped to think that the issue that you keep butting your head against has been caused by belief in something other than God's truth? That the problem in your marriage that won't go away is due to some lie hidden deep in your heart? Or that the sin you can't seem to overcome has been caused by a lie that Satan spoke into your heart long ago and you made an agreement with? You see, every time you agree with a lie the Enemy tells you, you've let him create a stronghold in your heart. A stronghold that can only be torn down by replacing that lie with the truth.

Look what 2 Cor. 10:3-5 says about this: "For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal (of the flesh), but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exhalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ." Paul here is telling us what Jesus already said: that every lie (arguments and anything that exhalts itself against the knowlegde or truth of God) creates bondage (a stronghold) and has to be cast down by the Truth that is in Christ Jesus. The Truth will set you free.

Some examples of lies that shape our lives could sound like these:
"Everything I love will be taken away from me."
"If people really knew me, they wouldn't like me."
"If I can just be beautiful enough, or talented enough, or smart enough, or good enough, I will have worth."
"Beauty is dangerous and can be used for evil so I have to do everything I can to hide mine."
"There is no such thing as intimacy in life."
"I am on my own."
"I will never be good enough."
"If I want something done right I'm going to have to do it myself."
"If there is a God, He's too busy to care about me."
"God helps those who help themselves."

Any of these sound familiar? Some of them are from my own heart. All of them are lies that have terrible consequences in our walk with God and the people around us. All of them must be renounced and replaced with the Truth from God's Word. But first they must be recognized. Ask God to show you where you have lie-based strongholds in your own heart. Then ask Him to show you the Truth that will set you free. He who promised is faithful...my whole life is a testimony to that Truth.

"For He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound..."
~Jesus