My life lately is so full of conflicting ideas and beliefs. Half the time I think one thing, and the other half of the time I think the opposite. Beliefs that used to be so firmly rooted in my head are being doubted. One day I wonder if God cares what happens to me, the next day I know He does. Part of me holds on to the belief that prayer makes a difference and part of me wonders if I'm praying to a brick wall. I am alternately thankful to God and angry at Him. Just when I believe that all things have a purpose, I throw my hands in the air and declare that life-happenings are purposeless. Sh*t happens.
The thing is, this doesn't bother me. Should it? I feel at peace, even in the midst of the turmoil in my heart. Like there are Truths that never change, regardless of what I see and how I feel. Like there is Someone Whose existance cannot be threatened by my doubting or unbelief. And He is what is keeping my heart, the Keeper of my soul. Wandering I may be...but not lost.
It is enough for me right now to just know that there is nowhere I can flee from His presence. There is no darkness that can hide me from Him; no doubts that can take me out His hand. I guess I'll just have to rest in that assurance for now. Because I'm tired of trying to work everything else out in my mind.
Don't worry about me. I know my faith is still there...there are roots too deep for the frost to touch. This is just where I'm at, where I'm resting, waiting. Listening to the rumblings of a heart not quite whole yet. Perhaps here, in my doubts, anger, brokeness, and fears, is where God wants to meet me. To purge once again everything that is keeping me from trusting Him. Lord, I wait for You.....
All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.
The Fellowship of the Ring
by J.R.R. Tolkien