tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3113535730415912557.post7662540409089664931..comments2024-02-16T19:07:42.535-08:00Comments on Darcy's Heart-Stirrings: Thoughts on Christian Marriage Teachings, Part 1Darcyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03702441292981376229noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3113535730415912557.post-5409217664755664622015-09-07T18:19:31.827-07:002015-09-07T18:19:31.827-07:00Love this! It's bizarre reading your story bec...Love this! It's bizarre reading your story because it sounds so identical to mine. I always felt all this pressure to perform and frustration with my husband's "lack of spiritual leadership". Luckily we crashed and burned in a year, thank god (lol to the spiritual reference) and it's been so much better! <br /><br />I always felt like the teachings I grew up hearing was bullshit since my father left my mom and was abusive so based on the teachings I grew up hearing I was bound to be "screwed up" since there was no spiritual leader in my home, even ppl in the church talked about me. Anytime I did anything remotely close to wrong they'd judge and remind me that if I had a dad around I'd be better; and I was a goody two shoes! I'm so glad I'm done trying so hard and I'm just myself :)Elizabeth K. Caseyhttp://saturdayafternoonphotography.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3113535730415912557.post-85914982946428553692015-03-27T08:44:26.091-07:002015-03-27T08:44:26.091-07:00That's so difficult. :/ I'm glad you got o...That's so difficult. :/ I'm glad you got out though. Darcyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03702441292981376229noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3113535730415912557.post-18252298467220646092015-03-27T07:40:27.071-07:002015-03-27T07:40:27.071-07:00In a marriage for 25 years. I left these teachings...In a marriage for 25 years. I left these teachings behind, my husband hasn't. You are totally correct. Run, run like the wind from any of this stuff. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3113535730415912557.post-7158415196978237062015-03-23T13:26:35.077-07:002015-03-23T13:26:35.077-07:00Ah yes, the pyramid, in which we must always be su...Ah yes, the pyramid, in which we must always be sure to have a three-way with the Almighty. LOL Darcyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03702441292981376229noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3113535730415912557.post-77853259571980266342015-03-23T12:27:15.268-07:002015-03-23T12:27:15.268-07:00I found your blog through homeschooler's anony...I found your blog through homeschooler's anonymous and this post made me want to stand up and cheer. You are so dead on. I grew up in a stereotypical, conservative homeschool family with all the usual beliefs. My mom was forever grieving my dad's lack of spiritual leadership which prohibited her from submitting to the level she felt she should. <br />I heard these sorts of sermons and comments all my life (don't forget the pyramid illustration that shows just how impossible it is to be close to one another without first being close to God.) I always agreed with them in that casual way you agree with cultural beliefs you have never thought through for yourself. Then I met my husband and fell in love and while he was a Christian he was not part of the home school-y group of Christianity I grew up with. Being married quickly showed me that all of those spiritual sounding cliches and vague "rules" of a Christian marriage were in a practical sense either completely meaningless (spiritual leader? What even is that?) Or counter productive (complementarinism). Having a great marriage (granted I'm only 5 years in, but great so far) isn't as complicated as Christians make it sound. It really comes down to mutual respect, trust, and making an effort now and then.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3113535730415912557.post-42887032072207811812015-03-20T09:29:29.927-07:002015-03-20T09:29:29.927-07:00It's interesting that the thing that kills a s...It's interesting that the thing that kills a spiritual discussion more than anything is giving it an agenda. I remembered after making my previous comment that the premarital "counseling" done by the man who married us included the nice little Christianese statement that "you are marrying for the wrong reason unless your reason is to help your spouse become a better Christian." Sure, because there's nothing like a "spousal improvement project" to make a happy marriage, right? (We treated this particular counseling as something to be endured rather than as likely to be legitimately helpful. The secular-based counseling we did on our own initiative was much more useful. It confirmed, for example, that my wife is further to the "masculine" side on certain measures than I am - an insight that has really helped us through the years.) <br /><br />So, as you note, you really end up having more discussion when you aren't trying to "fix" or "improve" the other. But, maybe marriage isn't meant to be that, anyway. Maybe we are to be each other's companion on the journey and help each other with life's burdens. Diary of an Autodidacthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11849157548643091986noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3113535730415912557.post-89503352974399212422015-03-19T18:57:51.317-07:002015-03-19T18:57:51.317-07:00You give excellent advice. Especially about sleep,...You give excellent advice. Especially about sleep, lol. You know, your comment made me realize that we have talked more about spiritual matters in the past few months than in the past 10 years. Weird. I suppose though that honestly searching out our beliefs and working through them without any expectations is more conducive to discussion than what we've previously tried to do. <br /><br />And we always hated church-related marriage stuff. We'd get talked into doing something by friends and were always annoyed, disappointed, and flat-out angered by the advice encountered. Darcyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03702441292981376229noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3113535730415912557.post-43133148247730001062015-03-19T12:41:16.581-07:002015-03-19T12:41:16.581-07:00I'm going to come out and say that, as a man w...I'm going to come out and say that, as a man who is still in the Christian faith, married to a woman in the Christian faith, you are ABSOLUTELY correct. <br /><br />The last thing our marriage needed was a spiritual burden in addition to the normal ones that it has. I consciously chose to "despiritualize" (for lack of a better term) our marriage, because the expectations that you detail nearly derailed my own parents' relationship, and I knew that the last thing my wife needed (after her experience in a cult-like group) was more spiritual pressure. Do we talk about spiritual things? Sure. Like we talk about other things. When we want, and how we want. And we do not expect the other person to share or to perform. Ever. <br /><br />Furthermore, we have chosen to NEVER participate in a church-based marriage anything. EVER. Because I agree with you. There is nothing that the church is bringing to marriage right now that is helpful - and much that is damaging. I have never regretted this decision. <br /><br />If I were to give one bit of advice (and I occasionally have, when pressed), I would say that the two most vital practices to our marriage are: 1. Actually listen to each other. 2. Make sure the other is getting enough sleep. Particularly during the years with small children, because no amount of spiritualization will help the way a good nap will. Diary of an Autodidacthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11849157548643091986noreply@blogger.com