In Which I Have An Epiphany

We went to a baby shower today. It was a family shower, so there were families there, moms, dads, and kids running around everywhere. In this group of new friends in our new church, we are the only homeschoolers. No one else has ever been exposed to the homeschool subculture. We are novelties to them. I don't mind. I've never felt so at home and so not judged before in my life. I like it. I love the people. They've opened up their hearts and homes to us before they even knew us and the love of Christ is so very evident in their lives.

But as I was sitting in the joyful chaos of that shower, a thought that has been bouncing around in my head for a while suddenly landed with a thud. Did you know that the only people who expect perfect behavior from small children is the ultra-conservative Christian subculture?? And did you know that the rest of the developed world doesn't expect this nor judge you as parents if your children aren't perfect little obedient angels all the time? When my kid throws a fit, no one looks down their nose at me. They just smile and nod knowingly...kids will be kids, after all.

It's so relaxing to realize. The unrealistic expectations of the culture I grew up in are just that: unrealistic.

Probably most of you are thinking, um, yeah? like this is something you've always known and Darcy must be slow. But see, I've never really shared my life intimately with anyone who has not had a similar background as me. I've always hung out with the same crowd and only now am realizing what most of the world has known and taken for granted. That the expectations and standards of the ultra-conservative crowd are unique to them and not indicative of the rest of the world.

Do you know how freeing that is for me? For the first time in my life, I feel like I can let my defenses down. I can be flawed and it's OK. My kids can act like, well, KIDS and no one thinks I'm a slacker parent. These people love me for who I am, not for what I believe or how I perform. They love my kids and accept my family without strings attached. It's amazing.

I think God has me in the place I'm in, sharing my life with these people for a reason. I think He knows I need it. My husband feel it too. It's like a breath of fresh air.

So this is what Grace looks like.

A Lot Like Me

baby I'm afraid you're a lot like me
you can't help feeling everything
I can see you trying to hold it in
I see your eyes and your trembling chin

And for you and myself I will pray
let our weakness become our strength

baby there are some holes you just can't fill
you try and try but you never will
baby I believe a God who can
he loves the boy and he'll love the man

And for you and myself I will pray
let our weakness become our strength

~A Lot Like Me, by Sara Groves

Hope

There is a flutter of something in my heart tonight. Something that scares me yet makes me feel...lighter somehow.

I think it is hope.

Like a breath of cool air on a hot summer night, it is elusive, and teasing. But perhaps that is because I am still holding it at arm's length. Still suspicious of it, afraid of it, wondering if this is too good to be true.

I've been doubting for so long. Hurting for so long. Angry at God and wondering if He even exists or cares about me. Wandering, trying to make sense of the last two years. When eveyone I trusted and loved failed me and broke my heart, it seemed like even God had forgotten about me. I know now and have known for a while that He's holding my heart, even when I'm doubting Him. This is what keeps me sane.

But as a new chapter in my life begins, a stirring deep inside is starting. Can it be that I can begin to breathe again? That I can hope for healing, joy, intimacy, and good things in life? I am afraid of hope because I hate disappointment. It has always been a struggle with me to hope for anything. I have had to purpose to hope, even if it means being disappointed because life without hope isn't life. It is death to the soul.

I so badly want to take in this elusive feeling of hope like a much-needed breath of air. I want to pray again and believe God is actually listening to me. I want to know that He loves me and has not forgotten. I want to read the Bible without feeling cynical and angry. I want to feel again, to be passionate about something instead of this dullness that has so long taken over my heart.

People around me think I'm amazing. They think my life is so perfect. That I'm so strong and spiritual. But they don't know what lurks in the dark recesses of my soul. I long to bring it to light, to be rid of it and all the pain it has caused. But it isn't my sin, my story to tell. It is the story of others who have broken promises and forced me to keep secrets too heavy to bear. I have fought for life and love for so long alone.

But now....something is different. If I can, for a moment, set aside my fear and anger, I can see light and joy. My soul feels lighter but I'm still afraid of embracing it. Afraid it'll vanish yet again and I'll be left to struggle along...again. Maybe staying dull is better than hoping and longing only to hurt again.

But no. I must acknowledge Him and His Presense in my life, even if I can't feel it. There are roots in my heart that the Enemy of my soul can't pull out; promises engraved in the pages of my life story that cannot be ignored. If He is the God of redemption, than my time is coming.

"Out of the depths I have cried to you, Oh Lord!
Lord, hear my voice!
I wait for the Lord,
My soul waits,
And in His word I do hope;
My soul waits for the Lord more than those who watch for the morning...
Oh, Israel, hope in the Lord!
For with the Lord there is mercy,
And with Him is abundant redemption."
~From Psalm 130

Endings and Beginnings

I've decided I hate endings. They're depressing. Saying goodbye, last things, I don't like any of them. Beginnings are great though. New experiences, first things, changes and new chapters in life. I wish we could have beginnings without endings.

This week, I said goodbye to my home, my family, and my many friends. It was hard. While I'm very excited about our new home and life in Montana, I hated saying goodbye to everything familiar, everything I've loved for so long. That tiny town in the mountains of Washington has been my home for 11 years now and my husband was born there. Leaving wasn't easy. Our last Sunday at our beloved church, spending the day at my parents surrounded by our siblings was emotional. I'm even a little scared to be venturing so far from famliy when I depend on them so much.

But this is where God has put us and we really do like it here. It's beautiful (see the pic at the top of my blog). I love making new friends and getting reaquainted with the families we met last summer. There's so many new things. Like having neighbors. I'm not sure I'll ever get used to that. :^)

I am glad that God has made a time and a season for everything under the sun. And that He has made it all beautiful in its time. Even endings.

Never Drive While Hormonal

Seriously. I wanted to kill someone. Or at the very least drive them off the road. I couldn't believe how ticked off every other driver on the road was making me today. Like all the idiots conspired together to be on my path all at the same time. It must be hormones.

Or maybe it was the fact that I'd just tried to go to the Goodwill with all my kids while their daddy was getting his wisdom teeth pulled. It sounded like a good idea. I am in desparate need of some clothes. I just can't ever seem to get to the thrift store, or if I do I spend the money on the kids (why can't they invent clothes that grow with the kids??). So since I had to wait around town for 2 hours I thought, hey, I'll just go see what I can find. Maybe come home with a new top or two. *insert sarcastic laughter* Right. I wasn't in there 5 minutes before all three of those little imps, I mean, children, were fussing. Including the baby who is usually more than happy to be toted around in the Baby Bjorn. But I kept on. Through all the dirty looks and sympathetic stares of the other shoppers, and the escalating noise that I pretended wasn't coming from my cart. ("Gee, whose annoying kids are screaming?? You'd think people could keep their kids under control!!" :P)I kept hanging clothes on the handle of the cart to try on since there wasn't room in the cart for them. It wasn't until I had gone through the entire women's section and stopped at the dressing rooms that I noticed that Faith had been UNhanging them and dropping them on the floor. (!!!) Looking back, I noticed the very efficient clerk picking up one of my shirts and hanging it back up. Gaaa!!! Didn't she have anything better to do than follow me around and pick up the clothes I spent precious time picking out?!?!?! Oh well...two cute tops remained on my cart. I pushed the entire cart, screaming kids and all, into the dressing room and tried them on. They didn't fit. They made me look fat. Why can't they make clothes for real people? And why can't they make 15 passenger shopping carts?

Then the phone rang: "Your husband is ready for you...would you like to come pick him up?" (I only briefly thought about saying no. Only briefly.) I drug the cart out of the dressing room, payed for a couple of dresses for the girls, and piled my crying children into the car. Upon arriving at the surgeon's, I found my very loopy husband trying to explain to me that he was fine with a mouth full of gauze. The nurse told him not to talk.

After arriving at home, everything got worse. Faith wouldn't take a nap and kept finding banana peels to put in the most inconvenient places; Kailey filled a cup full of spit and rubbed it in Baby Joel's hair (who then had to have a bath); I made her go outside where she screamed bloody murder until her grandma came running through to woods thinking one of the kids was dying; Sky just laid on the couch and couldn't even get himself a glass of water (yup, shoulda left him) and I kept cleaning only to turn around and find the girls undoing everything I just did. And I'm still ticked at all the stupid drivers.

But I suddenly remembered something. Earlier, after trying on those two shirts at the Goodwill, I put my own shirt back on. Kailey immediately stopped crying and exclaimed happily, "OOOH! Now you're Mommy again!!" :^) And Faith counted clearly to 5 on her fingers today all by herself, several times, without any prompting (a HUGE step!). So I guess my life isn't so bad after all. Crazy, yes...but at least I'm able to eat my chocolate chip cookie. Unlike my husband who almost agreed to my proposition to stick a cookie in the blender for him. Poor man.

One of these days I'm going to have to get myself some new clothes, though......

A Love Story, The Wedding

Hot summer day, ripe with anticipation. I stand there, surrounded by giggling bride's maids and sweet flower-girls. Hundreds of friends are gathered to witness our joy. Music plays "Fair are the meadows, fairer still the woodlands..." I can't believe this is finally The Day. We have waited so very long, my Love and I. We have cried, laughed, sighed, and longed. Our waiting is finially over. Our faithfulness to God and each other is about to be rewarded.

My groom is standing out there, waiting for his long-awaited bride. I can't see him, nor him me, but for each of us there is no one else present but the other. Flowers everywhere. Someone adjusts my train for the forty-seventh time.

Suddenly the music changes.

"All of my life I have dreamed that somehow love would find me;
now I can't believe you're standing here..."



One by one, the bride's maids, sisters, cousins, friends, walk down the aisle, flowers in hand. Oh, the littlest flower girl doesn't like all the attention and is carried down the aisle by the maid of honor.




"If beauty is all in the eye of the beholder then I
wish you could see the love for you that lives in me..."

Breathe, just breathe.

The moment has come and I go, walking slowly down the steps of my parent's front porch, through the arbor of flowers and lace, I turn to face my friends and family. My Beloved awaits....



"And you would know you have my heart
If you could see, what I see
That a treasure's what you are
If you could see, what I see
Created to be
the only one for me
If you could see, what I see."

I watch his face. He is smiling, tears in his eyes. I smile back as I, flowers in my hair and in my hands, dressed beautifully just for him, walk towards him. Time stands still...



It seems an eternity, but I finally reach him. Turning toward him, I relinquish my bouquet to a waiting maid and give him my hands. The ceiling of our wedding chapel is the blue, blue sky and green grass the carpet. On a mountain top, in the woods, our vows are witnessed by the sparrows. We gaze deep into each other's eyes...




"Do you, Sky, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife...to have and to hold from this day forward...til death do you part."

"I do," says my Beloved, for all the world to hear.

"Do you, Darcy, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband...to have and to hold from this day forward...til death do you part."

"I do," my strong voice carries on the wind.

The earth holds her breath, while angels watch this mystery...two hearts becoming one...two lives joined together forever...

"I now pronounce you Man and Wife!" exclaims the preacher. "Sky," he says, smiling, knowing, "you may now, finally, kiss your Bride."



In all the world, was there ever such a kiss? Our friends cheer, for they know our story. Some of them walked with us through the dark times of waiting. Joy erupts across the yard, a joy that heaven itself cannot contain. My heart is full...I think it may burst.

Grabbing hands, we run, laughing down the aisle as cheers, laughter, and music surround us. Then the party begins. Dancing, feasting, laughing with friends, hugs to grandparents, kissing while everyone watches. It is heaven on earth.




I was told later that the most amazing Northern Lights filled the skies that night. They lasted until dawn, dancing, twirling, ribbons of color in the night. I like to think that the angels were having their own celebration; that God was saying "This is how much I love you."

"Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and feed on His faithfulness; Delight yourselves in the Lord and He shall give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:3,4




The End....or should I say, The Beginning.

A Love Story, Part 10

It was the worst month of my life. I missed my best friend. I missed sharing my life with him, missed calling him at the end of the day just to chat. My grades suffered and I all but abandonded my social life. My heart was hurting so badly. I was disappointed in God. While my belief that God had been the creator of our love never faltered, I couldn't get over the distinct feeling that something had gone very wrong.

One day, in mid-October, Sky showed up at my house in town. I sent the kids off to play and we sat down.

Taking my hands in his, he started, "Before you say anything, I have an apology to make. I haven't told you I loved you in a long time, too long, and I'm so, so sorry. I love you, from the depths of my heart, I love you."

I started crying, but he wasn't done.

"I hurt you, I know, but I felt like I had to do it. I had to know that our relationship was what God wanted for you, for me. There were so many other voices telling me I was wrong that I couldn't hear God's. I let them tear us apart, and I'm sorry. Will you forgive me, my love?"

I couldn't speak, couldn't breathe...all I could do was throw my arms around him and weep.

That was the turning point in our relationship. We recommitted our lives to each other and never looked back. We decided that we needed to get married and couldn't wait for my parents any longer. It's very difficult to be passionately in love for so long without threatening purity. It was time, and we knew it. I didn't know how my parents would react but by that point I just didn't care any more. We had God's blessing and that had to be enough.

The first night of our church Christmas play, Sky said he was coming over because my dad asked him to. We wracked our brains to figure out what we might've done to prompt another "talk".

Settling down in my parent's room, we all looked at each other...me, defensive and worried, Sky, composed, my parents, unsure. My dad cleared his throat and started, "We were informed by someone tonight that you two were seen holding hands at the church skating night last week."

I looked at Sky in disbelief. That's it?? We were "seen holding hands"? This was getting ridiculous.

Dad went on, "Do you really think that's OK? I mean, obviously you do, but I want to hear it from you guys. You know we wouldn't approve. What do you think is OK physical contact? "

Sky cleared his throat, "Sir, we're planning on getting married, you know that, though you've been ignoring it. We love each other, are committed to each other, and I don't see anything wrong with holding hands and I really don't care who sees us."

My dad nodded, distant, thinking. Suddenly, he and Mom stood up and said "We'll be right back."

They fled the room and we were left, confused. What in the world?

They came back in and we braced ourselves for more critisism.

"We've decided that you have our permission to marry. Obviously you aren't going to change your minds, so you have our blessing."

We sat there, stunned, silent. Dad cleared his throat, "Well...aren't you going to say to anything?"

We couldn't...we were too shocked at the turn of events. Sky kept opening his mouth but nothing came out. I started laughing and crying at the same time. Dad smiled at us and I looked at my mom who was smiling through her tears. I don't remember what else was said or done after that. It's all a blur to me. I know we settled on a July wedding, outdoor, and in my parent's large back yard.

When Sky went to leave, I wasn't sure what to do, what was now acceptable. My mom prompted me, "Go see him out." Gladly! We stood on the porch, alone for the first time that crazy night. I threw my head back and laughed, joyously, the weight of the last three years rolling off my sholders. Sky laughed too and we stood there in each other's arms for a long time, in wonder of life and happenings.

"Can it be that this whole thing is over? That we're finally getting married and our dreams are about to come true?" I wondered aloud.

"I keep pinching myself to see if I wake up," Sky laughed.

"I love you, Sky" I looked up into his blue, blue eyes.

"I've always loved you, Darcy," he replied as he gazed into the depths of my soul.

At least two people didn't get a wink of sleep that starry night.


Conclusion: The Wedding